Fears

Sometimes I think of the possibility of losing you... I have lost some valuable things in the past, therefore the experience isn’t foreign to me. The closer we get, the scarest I get, because I feel I am always one person away from losing the person I care the most about.

Everything has been so very kind with you, and even if I believe, myself, recovered sometimes I still feel like a broken piece that must be handle with care; but you are, already, the kindest! I feel increasing guilt for my ways before and now, for putting my fears first instead of your love, always my fears. These useless and ridiculous fears... I have carried them for so long, it feels as if I am leaving behind an old friend of mine if I were to leave them, and isn’t it like that?

I would like to embrace all that you offer me with the same keen I seem to embrace my worries. I wish I can just give myself into the softness of your soul, but arms can appear so scary to me sometimes. But yours are so welcoming and I am afraid of feeling too comfortable in a house that would throw me out at some point, leaving me, one more time, all alone to face the cold of the night. 

Not just that... I am so very afraid of giving you any kind of pain. I don’t want to ever hurt anyone as badly as of what I have been accused of in the past, especially you. In truth, I don’t believe things will play out the way they did before ever again, I hope so. But this guilt won’t abandon me and causing you the slightest ache would tear me apart.

Maybe I am not good enough. I have been called all these horrible names... from people I have once thought would never harm me. But then again all the blames are mine, and I can’t even complain nor cry away my sorrow because there is a judgemental part of me, even now, telling me I have no right to. How come your beautiful soul has decided to stay by my side? Will you wake up one day noticing you didn’t marry the fairy you thought, but a simple human being instead? My beloved, I hope you do not.

I hope to be able to fulfill your dreams and mine, to hold your hand and walk this prickly path and I believe I can keep on doing it as long as I have those pretty roses you gave me. I will carry them with me forever, combined with your love. And may our love clear up the way for both of us... may our souls always be able to bond and allow us to go on. 

I love you, D.

Por el resto de mi vida

¿Y ahora qué? Ese llanto silencioso que se hace cada vez más fuerte, que está cada vez más presente, que me ahoga y no me deja ver más que cristales. ¿A qué se debe esta vez? ¡Oh, alma mía! ¿Cómo es que ningún tratado te basta? ¿Cómo es que nada nos alcanza? Nuevamente hastiada, este sabor a vida que empalaga. ¿Cómo saborear la muerte sin morir en el intento? ¿Cómo probar tal elixir sin dar tanto a cambio? Necesito respirar... tal vez si me acerco más al precipicio seré capaz de obtener una bocanada de aire, un ligero empuje que me permita volar. Explorar los mundos que no puedo con este cuerpo, con esta mente, con este corazón: todos tan llenos de vida, no cediendo espacio alguno a la calma. Esos latidos tan fuertes, tan fuertes, tan fuertes ¡Cada vez más fuertes! Casi amenazantes... como jurando vida eterna, que angustiante. Todo parece tan angustiante. ¡Oh alma! ¿Dónde están tus nuevos dioses? Tus nuevas fuentes de paz, esa paz que no encontramos dentro de nosotras mismas, ni dentro ni fuera.

Quisiera querer vomitar... sacar de alguna manera este sin sabor ¿O es amargura? ¿Qué es? ¿En qué momento veremos la divinidad que reside dentro de nosotras? ¿O es que estamos vacías? ¡Dime si estamos vacías! Invítame a reírme a carcajadas, por la tonta vacía que anhelaba sacar la nada que la ahogaba. Es todo tan absurdo... Soy tan absurda, una completa idiota. Hoy estoy tan cansada... cansada de esta guerra sinfín del día a día de mi vida.

[Luna en Virgo, Mercurio Retrógrado en Géminis]