Courage.

- Are you okay? She said while helping him to stand up.

- I am fine. He answered undoing himself from her hands.

And walked on his own even when the doctor recommended him not to do effort while he’s recovering, but that was just how stubborn he was. She remained looking at him, asking herself: When will he allow her to hold him? When will he trusts her? She couldn’t even understand how she could wrong him so much for him to have that attitude towards her.

     - I am not mad at you. He said before she said anything.

     - I haven’t said anything. She said pretty softly.

    - Yes, but you are probably thinking about it since I didn’t let you help me. I want to do it on my own. I can. He said firmly.

    - I haven’t said you can’t yet it’s better if you don’t for now. She told him. But she thought many things she could never tell him, things that wouldn’t mind how many times she’ll say he wouldn’t take, because he was he and he couldn’t.

Because you can go around life dreaming and making yourself illusions of what you want, yet it doesn’t mean you can get it all; because, certainly, the most precious things are the hardest one to get… You can’t get them in an easy or a fast way.  Reality is not like fantasy.

     - Will you come back home tonight? He wanted to know.

     - If that’s what you want. She said while looking at the floor then he stopped walking and looks at her directly in the eyes.

     - Are you or not? He asked strongly.

    - I… I… I will. She said against her own wish, because even when she wanted to stay at his place nursing him she knew he wouldn’t allow her even when deep inside he would like it.

    - Okay, let’s go to the park for the rest of the afternoon and then I’ll walk you until the train station for you to leave. He said.

    - Okay. She answered.

They went to the park and saw the animals there. They stopped for long times to watch the lake in front of them and it was not even because of his inability, even when he was recovering he was as active as usual, it was her; it was cause of her the constants stops they had to do. She wished she could get some more time, some more time of his presence, it was maybe not much what she could get yet it was enough, it was enough for her as long as he was there and they were breathing the same air, under the same sky, in the same place… which used to be a certain miracle before.

They didn’t talk at all; she didn’t even try destroying the beauty of the silence since what she was going to say wouldn’t be as good as the silence itself…

Once night arrived he did as he said walking her to the train station and she left leaving him behind, looking at him and fearing deep inside for the distance, wanting to close it, wanting to delete those imaginary spaces between them both, trying to reach his soul, trying to help him, trying to save herself from the sadness of a new goodbye. But calming down with the single fact of seeing him one more time soon, cause no matter what they'll always have each other she thought.

But she was just daydreaming as usual and the silence was still better than anything she’ll allow herself to say, the silence was still better than anything he could say to distract her; because they both knew what they were thinking in, they just couldn’t say it aloud, they couldn’t speak it out, but why? Why? Because some things are better unspoken… because the fear the words bring is stronger and bigger than the little courage some words hide.

Destroying me.

And then you left... it didn't matter how hard I tried to keep you, one day everything was nothing and the place fill with you was empty, there were just shadows and more shadows and more shadows and I started noticing there was no possible way of me living as I was doing anymore, I wasn't even sure about my existence anymore because you left and the air wasn't enough, the water wasn't enough, the food wasn't enough because if I used to get sick when we used to fight, I found myself dying since we don't talk. I should fix it, but how to fix something when you don't want to? how to help myself when I destroy myself with you? how to talk, how to explain when you just shut me up? how? how to be real friends when you just don't want me anymore? 

I try to go ahead and fix my life, I try to go on without you and get used but it just hurts, and I can't take anything from anyone without pain, and I just can't explain it because I laugh in pain, I enjoy in pain, I talk in pain because everything everything reminds me of you even when I wish it doesn't. I try to find new people and take it easy but I can't take anything because when I take I also give and when I give I keep on asking myself if it's okay, if it won't hurt this time and I don't want to get hurt again! and I don't want to trust again! and I don't want to keep on going! and I don't want anything! I don't want anything! I want to stay here, just here, in my bed, and tell to my pillow that everything is okay in the absence of everyone, in the absence of everything that I need nothing because if I need anything, you'll exist again and my life will be the mess of always but if I don't need anything, then I'll be fine in the empty of the nothing and everything will be fine because I won't need to feel nor think nor eat nor drink nor cry nor sleep, nothing. It'll be just me and the nothing... the peace of a world where everything is nothing... the peace that I need.

I can't even describe how it feels, I have good days, even good weeks, moments of my life where I think soon or late I'll delete of my mind those two years and more that I had by your side, then I find little things, details, simple details that tell me it won't happen even when I know it will! Because I know I'll be better as good as I know I am not right now, but right now is not forever and forever doesn't even exist... yet the pain, the pain now is so scorching that I can't even tell how it feels, because it's worse that a blood disease, it's like a soul disease and I try this and that to get better, to heal, to keep it cool, to come back to normality, but it is still there burning like virus, trying to end up with my soul and the little pieces of life I feel... it's unbearable.

And I wish I am able to start all over again, be myself and be okay, grow up and get better on my own, see life with good eyes and don't get  mad at all yet I can not, even trying cost me and people just don't know, I miss you and I don't know if I miss you or if I miss who we were when we first met because even if we come back to talk now would we be the same? I doubt it, but at the same time I know we would make it possible if we just want, but we don't, we can want yet we won't make it real because in the same way for it's over, it's for you & I don't blame you, I don't even blame myself anymore.

I just want to cut the memories, I'm begging to the air to stop throwing flashbacks to me because I'm getting blind, I'm destroying me, I'm literally destroying me and I wish it so bad that it scares me because I don't know what to do, I don't know how to stop me and convince me about it's okay, I tell myself over and over again it'll be okay but I keep on finding a way to kill me, slowly, pretty softly but I am not stopping me, because it's so cold here, it's so dark, it's a place that has been abandon and it doesn't matter how many sweaters I wear, how many lights I turn on, how many people I let come in, I keep on taking out the sweaters, turning off the lights, pushing people away, because nothing feels right and everything feels so wrong... and I walk in different ways but I always find myself all lost, I can find the guide and crawl to it for long yet at any moment I just stop because my knees hurt in the same way my hands do and my eyes can't help it anymore, they feel they can't take it anymore, my brain is so obvious  now, the headaches come daily now, the nightmares have gone when I sleep yet they appear when I'm awake and close my eyes if I just do it while any flashback is on... It's a state of madness even me can't hold... 

The taste of my life.

"Take this" She asked to her friend shaking the flowers on her hands and pointing out a small jar with some light red liquid.

- What is this? Manon asked.

- Just drink up. Maud replied so she drank it.

- How was it? She asked with open eyes really surprised.

- It was kind of sweet... just a little bit though.

- Geez! How can it be? Maud asked and made a cut in Manon's arm.

- Ouch! Manon screamed while Maud hold her hurt arm and licked it.

- What the...? Manon said and removed her arm from Maud's hands.

- It taste to iron! To iron and a bit salt! Maud cried.

- So what!? Have you lost your mind? Manon asked angrily.

- I am not... But Maud aren't you a sad soul? 

- What? Manon asked again.

- A sad soul!?

- What's a sad soul for you Maud? She wanted to know. But Maud stayed in silence for a while so Manon gave up and started walking away.

- When you can smile and jump and scream and be happy outwardly and apparently but inside it hurts, inside it's never okay and ever when it's okay there's a bad taste like if it's not completely fine and it'll never be! Maud screamed anxious with a preocupied face so Manon came back to her and looked at Maud seriously and more calm.

- I am. Manon answered.

- Then why does your blood taste different than mine!? Maud said annoyed.

- Because I am not sick in my body but in my soul only! I am simply big mess! But you're a huge one! A complete one! Manon said in her face and Maud laughed.

- Right, you're so right! This soul would be taken faster than yours, unlucky you. Maud saying happily and Manon laughed.

- We must be insane.

- We are. Maud said with a sad smile while a tear rolled her face, and Maud did nothing nor said nothing but laughed over the good/bad sense of her friend.

- Anyways Maud, why do you say "are" instead of "have"?

- Why? Well because you don't have a sad soul, you are a sad soul... without your soul you don't exist... you need body and soul to be a human and since we're humans we're bodies, we're souls... But you know, you and I, we're sad souls. No one can break us, we're already broken. Maud said and shot a wink smiling pleased, and Maud closed her eyes for a little.

- We should go and pray instead talking about these things. Manon finally said with a serious face.

- Let's go then. Maud replied.

"The Life of this world is nothing... But An illusion." 

[Qur'an Al-Hadeed 57:20]