I Missed You Butterfly.

She was running in circles, with her arms open is a horizontal way, in the garden and he was just sit down asking himself if she has lost her mind, he didn't really cares anyways, she always was a weird girl, but she wasn't seven years old anymore but ten! she should act as a girl of her age, shouldn't she? he asked himself.

- Why are you doing that? It's too childish. Giving her a bad look.

- It is okay though. She answered him with a big smile on her face.

He stayed quite and she stopped playing to go and sit by his side, not too close though, otherwise he'll stand up and go immediatly.

- Do you really don't know why I am flying? She said while she looked at him seriously.

- Flying? You're not flying but running in circles around the garden Malika! Answered him starting to get nervous.

- Am I? She answered pretending to be surprised.

- Yes you are. He said carelessly.

- I was flying, but you didn't notice. I was trying to make the flowers happy. As you can see there's not butterflies right now so the flowers must be sad without butterflies. I was trying to let them think I am a butterfly so they may be happy. She answered in a serious tone.

- You're hopeless. He said amazed of her insanity.

- You're a butterfly too. She told him looking down and a bit ashamed cause of her ideas.

- I am not. How dare you to say something like that? He said in anger

- I am a flower and you're a butterfly to me since you came back. She said while a few tears appeared up in her eyes. 

- Oh, geez. Don't over react. He said looking away.

- I miss you these vacations. She said smiling now and cleaning her face.

- I didn't. He answered in a low voice.

- It's okay, as long as you're back, it's okay. You're the best friend I've ever had, you know so, right? She told him opening her eyes a lot curious about his answer.

- I know. He said and a half smile was draw on his face.

After all, they both were happy, even when the sadness wasn't away enough to let them be for more than a few minutes. Still those minutes were enough to feel over them the mercy of God for the friends.

Meanings. 1.

And she was crying because it was a serious matter, because she couldn't help herself this time, because she was a slave of her own wishes and she wanted to be free of those destructive feelings; so she walked out of that room & opened that door in front of her hoping someone behind her could actually help her... someone who would save her.

— Welcome. Said the young man with light brown eyes and dark brown hair.

— Good afternoon, thanks. She replied while she looked around the whole office.

It was her first time visiting a professional of his type. After all why would she need a specialist of the mind for? Her friends could give her all the suggestions she needs and... for free! Still her best friend insisted about she should go & kept telling her this guy was a genious who would help her to find a solution to her never-ending problem, and that was enough for her to want to meet him.

Here is where everything starts, still the begginning was also the ending and that was pretty exciting... but also scary.

Mystery

But words were never enough to let you know how much I adore you, what I did was never enough to prove me truthful, to prove me worthy of a person like you... You just don't know how much I miss you... and, deep inside, how bad it hurts. It's frankly tiring, to bear with the silences and the indifference. Sometimes I go crazy and think your hate will be accepted in order to imagine there's something still there, but then I see myself breaking into more pieces to imagine you hating me... I wish I can just errase this moment and stay for some time more in those days where you were dancing and I was laughing... or where I was singing and you were laughing... Maybe I'm asking too much, I always ask more than what I can get, but this time I've done my best, I haven't bothered you at all & I hope you're doing great, I'm sorry if I show up from time to time to check on you, it's just kind of hard to stop caring about a part  of your life, it's like stop caring about a part of your body that you know you'll die without... Just in case you ever read this, things get easier for me when you smile, when I find any trace of happiness in you, because you know? As long as you're happy I think I may enjoy that even when we're far apart... I will like to know if you still care & what will you do when I stop caring? Anyways, will I ever stop caring? Such a mystery! 

No podía, no podría.

Y aunque el camino estaba despejado, las fuerzas se había agotado 

¿Podía caminar? 

No, no podía más... simplemente, no podía más. 

Pero, faltaba mucho por avanzar... 

¿Avanzar? No, no se podía avanzar más, hasta aquí se llegaba 

¿Hasta aquí? El camino está entero. 

¿Entero? ¡Pues que se vayan lo que quieran! 

No podía más, no podía... 

¿Esperando? ¡No esperaba a nadie! 

¿Por qué mira hacia atrás una y otra vez entonces? 

Porque... porque... porque algo se le quedó 

¿Qué cosa? Alguien iría por eso perdido. 

No es eso perdido, es ese. 

¿Ese? Entonces, ¿Perdido o huido? 

¿Huido? ¿Por qué huiría de su persona? 

¡Huyó! ¡Huyó! Por eso no ha vuelto. 

Lágrimas, lágrimas, ha empezado a llorar, no parará. 

No, no podía, no podría más.

I was needing to tell you this...

It has been exactly one month two weeks and one day without sound and one month and two weeks without words... my first greetings doesn't count, only yours counts, yours, because yours are complete, yours are shameless, yours are different than mine. I'll like to know where is the sound and where are the words... this silent place is getting darker, and this empty place inside is getting bigger. 

You know at this point I am done disturbing you... I am always trying to get back to you because maybe I used to feel you care, I used to believe you want me in your life... This year has been hard, seeing you sad for so long has being so hard to handle... also this semester has been so difficult, you have no idea... You know I really miss you but I just don't know if you miss me too... I don't know if you hate me now, I don't know if you think about me now, I just don't know... It's the first time things have been so wrong for so long. 

First off I felt replace, like you're always telling me I have too many friends and so on, but this time it was not me being nice, it was you being extra nice to someone else and certainly I love you getting new friends because that's good, but... putting her in a place that I consider mine? Seriously? That was way too much. It was something out of my hands... Do you know? feeling that your best friend doesn't need you anymore, doesn't care about you anymore, doesn't love you anymore... it was heartbreaking. I just felt I was doing nothing in your life, actually I still feel like that; but I am not jealous anymore, maybe that's why I can open myself again... Maybe you think I don't care about you anymore and I already got over you and I just moved on, but heck no! Who the heck do you think I am? Don't you know me at all? Maybe you forgot me... You forgot your kitty so fast... and got a new one, didn't you? I miss you everyday & little by little my depression consumes me and, as usual, I don't know what to do... and people confuse me... some people tell me to go and talk, some people tell me to wait, some people say you care, some people say you don't... and since I am sad I can't think clearly and get to know or at least imagine what you're thinking over the whole situation...

Second, I guess you have your reasons... don't you? Because there must be a reason or more than one, for you to just leave me hanging in this way... I am almost sure about it is not a big thing, I am almost sure about it's something that can be fixed but you haven't told me what did I do this time and I can't know, also... I am confused! I tell myself over and over again that you wouldn't have kept me for so long in your life if you don't want me, but then I think, he has pushed me out so hard in so many ways so many times, but it has always been me trying to stay there and saying I won't leave you and begging you not to leave me, so... I think maybe it's me pressuring you, maybe it's me forcing you to keep me in your life but you actually don't want me there... I've had too many time without you to overthink... and there are so many ideas disturbing me... telling me you don't care... and it's hurting. I really wanted you to appear up saying you miss me, deep inside I wanted you saying you care and you value our friendship, but it never happened.... it never happened... and it just made me think I was right about my thoughts, because even when you are you and probably your proud wouldn't let you get close even if you want to, I think in case you really care about us, our friendship would've been bigger than your pride but apparently it is not.

Third, I tried... even in a silly way, I tried... maybe not enough, but I tried... I wrote as much as I could considering the fact of you acting like you don't want to answer... I called, considering the fact of you acting like you don't want to talk to me. I am sorry, I am this annoying and probably you're completely done and you wish I don't exist for sure, but you were one of the best things that ever happened to me, even with all our fights, so... thank you. May Allah reward all your patience with me all this years; by the way, in case you forgot, on July 29th it was our Second Frienship's Anniversary, yayy, hehe.

Forth, I am sorry for making you read all this, I know I write too much, but I was needing to tell you all this. I know you're still here, you gotta know I am still there but somehow we are not... anyways, thank you for everything, seriously, everything, even the most simple detail counts for me and you know it. I am sorry for everything as well, I know I've done wrong many times and well, I am not perfect, but you gotta be sure about I did my best, I really did. I want you to know that it's all right... the fact about you not wanting me anymore in your life, it is okay; don't feel you're a bad person or I'm leaving you, or any bad thought towards it, it's okay, so don't worry please... I am not saying I am fine, certainly I am not and I won't for a loooooooooong time, but I will be fine one day, so do me a favor and don't be hard on yourself. I love you deeply, I really do. Be happy, okay? or at least try to. May God, praise be upon Him, always always always bless you and protect you puppy...you may think you're a big boy, but you're still a baby for me and you'll always be so be careful over your actions and words and be a good little boy. We're still friends, I know; but it's not the same as before and you know.

Incomplete

My baby girl was screaming once more time and I was starting to get worry, she used to scream a lot while playing but in a joyful way, this time she was screaming with anguish, with pain and I couldn't understand it since she was playing alone at the living room and I could see her since the kitchen and apparently she wasn't hurt. I stopped my activities for a minute to check on her since she had being acting in that weird way for over thirty minutes what's way too much for a four years old girl. 

- Nini, what's wrong baby?

- Mom, it falls and falls and falls over and over again, it doesn't matter how many times I build it, it falls again! 

She was just playing with her cubes but it was certainly an important matter for her.

- Oh, let me see, build it one more time so I can see why it falls.

She built it so fast that I couldn't believe she was just four years old and yeah, it fell as she said but thankfully I found the problem immediatly.

- Here, there's a missing part honey. Where is it?

She looked at the place I was pointing very carefully and thought really focused. 

- I lost it.

- Well, you can't build it again without it falls if you don't have that piece. 

Her eyes got like water fastly.

- Why? She almost whispered this.

- Because there's a missing part. It is not complete anymore.

- It's not complete anymore...

And when she said this we both started crying, it wasn't complete anymore...not anymore.

Are you really smiling?

- Smile

- I'm smiling (she said trying to force a smile)

- Smile!

- I'm smiling!

- Smile...

- I.AM.SMILING.

- *put a mirror in front of her* This is what you're doing

- *she saw a mixed face between tears and grimace* NO! *she pushed the mirror and it fell while she put her hands on her face trying to hide it*

• Are you really able to see your face? Or do you still think you're smiling? :):

The NO logic of My crying

Have you ever find yourself crying and crying again over the same person without a specific reason? I'm asking cause I find it curious... I've found myself crying over and over again along for a whole month and more and I just don't understand why, because it makes no sense... When you miss someone you try to talk to that person, why haven't I? When you don't want someone in your life anymore you put that person out of your life, why haven't I done so? If I don't want this nor that, why do I cry? over what? Because it's not once or twice, it's over and over again... like it's an endless source of pain, maybe I cry because it hurts, but if it hurts so much, why haven't I tried to stop the pain? Maybe because no matter what will I do, I will always end up finding a reason to cry over that person, right? I am just saying no matter what will happen it'll bring me pain, right? But I've laughed as well & I have been happy as well... then why am I like this right now? Is it maybe cause I felt replaced and I thought I was nothing but a memory then? But why am I not taking my place back? Maybe because I find it as something impossible... Like I don't understand how I ever become in someone important for someone else, actually I understand when people leave me but I don't understand when people stay, I mostly think they do out of pity or cause they find me as a source of entertainment but if I am busy or sad or angry I find no reason for anyone to stay by my side, why will anyone want to stay by my side in these circumstances... then why do I cry? I always knew this may happen, I never understood a reason for this person to stay for so long, then why do I cry? over pictures, videos, images, words, memories, why? why can't I smile normally remembering good old memories? why do I cry with deep sadness? I am good at meeting new people and apparently people like me easily and I like them back since I find it as an act of kindness so why do I cry over losing someone? I usually don't, If I loose someone I obviously feel sad but I don't cry, crying won't make that person come back to me nor fix anything, in fact I'm a very logical person even when I'm pretty sentimental as well. But I insist, why do I cry over what's going on lately? why can't I face my days with the knowledge of the absence of this person? why can't I just be okay and let it go? Why does it hurt so bad? Still the main question is Why Do I Cry Over It? I find myself crying hysterically, walking like a death body, sometimes eating too much and sometimes not eating at all, sometimes sleeping too much and sometimes not sleeping at all, making draws, writtings, poems, I find myself really depressed but over what? Maybe in the future things will be okay but okay how? Maybe I cry because right now everything seems like a big mess, but why will I cry over it? If I find something that needs to be order or there's not way to put it in order, I just forget it and go on with my life. So why do I cry? Maybe because I'm use to this person presence more than my own and I find myself empty... but I used to be okay before this person coming in, so why? Maybe because it feels like I'm losing my bestfriend and it certainly kills whoever who loves her bestfriend as deep as I love mine... but still why do I cry instead doing something over it? Maybe because I'm so tired and feel so weak that can't even afford to move to something that can bring me a bigger pain? Maybe because that new friend presence made me feel I'm nothing but past... There are many "maybes" and not a accurate answer. The matter is that I am not this kind of person, yes I am a weak person but I've never found myself so weak over someone as now... I'm so absorbed by this person presence that I've certainly forgotten my own... Will this person miss me half of what I do? Love me half of what I do? Maybe I'm asking too much and not remembering my own feelings when this person was around, maybe the answer ain't in my head but in the feeling of some moments, maybe just maybe; or maybe it's over and I'm overthinking and crying over something that has already conclude without my permission or participation even when I'm an active member of it, or was... I'm just so confused, but guess what? Right now I am not crying, even when later I may will be doing it, but why? I don't know, I just know I will, because the absence is still here and I don't really know how to bear it.