Excerpt of a Love Story that Never Was

—“I love you, I love you, I love you” she said frantically while holding his left arm desperately and rustling it with an anguish expression all over her face, while he looked at her intensely and breathing heavily.

As he was starting to get his face closer to hers, she would move violently fast away from him and cover her face with her left hand while seeing aside and start weeping.

—“I am sorry. I am so sorry, please forgive me. Please don’t take my words into account. I could not know less what I am saying nor what I want.” She would say sharply, covering her mouth with her left hand and he would storm out of the room, slamming the door behind him, while being as hurt and disappointed for the confusion she would drag him into, as usual, one more time.

She held in her wishes to stop him and retracted her hands to her breast, in an intent to keep herself together and not let her heart fall. She couldn’t retain him for the rest of her life while being as messed up as she was. He was not going to allow it, she didn’t want him to allow it.

Fui y me escondí, en un sitio lejano...

Y justo cuando piensas que hay fechas que ya no duelen más, que ya no dolerán más, esas fechas de nuevo te golpean fuerte, te golpean sin piedad alguna, entonces te das cuenta, una vez más de que no has superado nada. Y que si bien los seis y los diez, no chocan con tanta intensidad, siguen doliendo hondo, hondo, hondo... y te preguntas cuando serás capaz de sacarte ese dolor de adentro. Cuando serás capaz de mirar atrás y perdonarlo, y perdonarte, y perdonarnos, porque: todos cometemos errores y confiar en él no fue tan malo porque te trajo grandes enseñanzas, y a su manera y tanto como pudo él te amó; porque no es culpa tuya que las cosas no hayan funcionado, algunas cosas son destinadas a ser y otras no... otras no, otras no ¡Otras no! ¡Y no es tan malo! Se sobrevive, se sobrevive... con lo sueños rotos y el alma herida, se sobrevive.

El maldito problema es que nadie va a entener jamás, y que sus tantas palabras no te llegarán jamás, que los besos, las atenciones y el afecto no serán capaces de curarte, porque lastimosamente tantas cosas se han ido con él... más de las que esperabas, más de las que quisieras, más de las que puedes costearte. 

Me gustaría ser capaz de confortarte, de decirte que ahora lloras pero mañana no pesará más... pero han pasado ya dos años y tres meses y sigues llorando con tal desesperación que me parece casi imposible, y mientras más pasa el tiempo, más lo dudo. El punto es que puede ser que llegue un momento en que de verdad dejes de hacer castillos en el aire a su lado, pero las heridas quedan... y aunque sanen superficialmente, temo que nunca sanen por dentro. Interesante, antes habían inseguridades, miedos a medias, sorpresa... ahora hay dolor, miedo... mucho miedo y un tipo de desconfianza a otro nivel, una desconfianza tal que te hace preguntarte ¿Confiaré alguna vez en alguien más? Porque no tiene sentido darse tanto a alguien y pensar ingenuamente que esta persona de verdad esta dispuesta a hacer el esfuerzo y quedarse pese a todo, pero mientras sonreías dandote la vuelta y llorabas, en la segunda ronda esa persona ya no está ahí... y te niegas a aceptar que no está, y todos lo buscan contigo porque ¡Estás segura de que solo está echando broma y aparecerá el rato menos pensado! Pero no... de verdad no está, entonces pierdes la cabeza y lo buscas, lo encuentras... ¡Lo encuentras! Y te dice a gritos "Déjame en paz", pero tú traduces esto de mil maneras excepto como lo que es... un simple y llano "DÉJAME EN PAZ"... le das mil sentidos, entiendes siempre lo que quieres entender. Probablemente él te ama pero no lo entiende, o te ama pero lo has herido, o te ama pero necesita tiempo, o te ama pero eres un poquito insoportable y necesita un poco de aire, o te ama pero le cuesta admitirlo, o te ama pero... pero talvés no te ama y ya. Talvés es eso... talvés no te ama y de verdad quiere que lo dejes en paz. Entonces un buen día, después de navegar tanto contra la corriente, lo dejas en paz. 

Entonces miras a tu alrededor y piensas en que hay que seguir adelante, porque eres demasiado joven como para dejar que la vida se termine ahí, tienes demasiadas oportunidades como para dejar que tu esperanza muera ahí, tienes demasiadas opciones como para pensar que no hay más salidas... afortudamente la vida te sonríe y te dice que puedes tener eso y más. Pero tú no quieres eso y más... tú querías eso que tenías con él y basta, a ti eso te bastaba; a ti solo eso podría bastarte, y si no lo tienes entonces no tienes nada, porque insistió tanto en entrar, cuando nadie había entrado que no solo le abriste las puertas de par en par, lo alumbraste, lo protegiste de tus propias espinas tan bien como pudiste, facilitaste todo lo que pudiste el camino para él, y te llenaste de gozo cuando llego al centro y se acomodó, y le sonreiste, orgullosa de él, orgullosa de ti, entonces cuando decidió marcharse no pudiste creerlo... pero ¿Cómo? ¿Y todo lo que se esforzó para llegar hasta aquí? Esas cosas quiebran, quiebran tanto que luego de eso pareciese que nunca más lograrás recuperarte. Entonces si antes era difícil entrar, ahora es tres, cuatro, cinco, seis, siete... ocho, nueve... infinitamente difícil entrar, porque nadie más jamás te encontrará con la guardia baja en absoluto, porque las llaves y todo lo demás ya las tiene alguien, las tuvo, las tiene y las tendrá por siempre, porque son de él, solo de él... por siempre.

Cold House (3. Pleasure)

She was in the living room reading what seemed to be a new love's book and eating some popcorn. He sat down next to her.

- Do you want to play some chess? He asked interrupting her, she looked at him for a minute and asked.

- Will you help me to remember you that I am the winner? And he laughed.

- But I always win! He said playfully.

- I am not playing. You don't know your place. She said annoyed.

- I will let you win... He said provocatively.

- I don't need to "let me win" I am a winner. She said and they both laughed.

- Never mind, if you don't want to play it's okay. What are you reading? He said reading the title. "Behind Closed Doors"... Why do you and my mom like love stories so much? He asked curiously.

- Because, apparently, we both suck at love. If we can't get it on our own, at least let us imagine it. She said making a pout and he smiled and tried to touch her hand as giving her emotional support, which surprised her and she removed her hand immediately and he felt uncomfortable.

- Don't you trust me? He asked hurt.

- Don't ask obvious questions. Of course I do not. She answered sharply.

- I may go one day and not come back due to your constants mistreatments. He said angrily.

- You're always leaving. I am nearly used to it. She answered placing her eyes on her book again.

- You know I always come back regardless of how long I take to do it, and this is why you feel so safe. He said stealing quickly some of her popcorn and she looked at him with her open mouth.

- How dare you! She said smiling indignantly. And he laughed while leaving the couch ready to run in case of her throwing anything at him.

- You began! He said smiling and she smiled back.

- Go and play on your phone, don't bother me anymore. She said moving her hand in the air indicating him to leave.

- I like to be with you sometimes. He said lying down on the couch next to her again.

- "Sometimes". She emphasized.

- Do you know? You're a very possessive friend, you need to stop it. He said placing his eyes on his phone.

- Do whatever you want. She said turning around, placing her left side on the couch, not allowing him to see her face anymore.

- Come on, don't get mad. I was just playing. He asked looking at her but she said nothing and he sighed. The game was over, she came back to her book and he had to come back to his phone. At least she seemed to be in a better mood today, yesterday she seemed so down and broken after he got to fix the air conditioner and even when the house was warm enough, she was still wearing huge and long sweaters like if she remained cold inside after all... He wondered what could he do to make her feel better... He wondered if that guy would ever truly come back for her... He wondered if she was still waiting for him even though she said he won't come back... but as the questions started breaking up his peace of mind, he decided to focus on his game and stop tormenting himself. Suddenly she turned around, now placing her right side on the couch but kept her eyes on the books.

- Thanks for staying. She said and he smiled. She acted so almightily all the time, but her heart was still so soft... and she couldn't hide it.

- My pleasure. He answered and kept on playing now happily on his phone.

[First part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/10/cold-house.html ]
[Second part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/12/cold-house-12.html ]
[Third part: https://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/12/cold-house-13-together-separated.html ]
[Forth part: https://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2017/11/cold-house-2-sweet.html ]

Joie di Vivre.

The pertinent question for which the depressive patient seeks an answer in successful therapy is not, "Will I become lovable enough so that mother will love me?" but rather, "Will I love my mother (or my wife or my child or my friend) even though I am not lovable?" The road to such maturity may only be through the fullest awareness of the deepest despair. The constant protest of the recovering depressive is that he has always suffered, and that now at last he is ready to experience some joie di vivre. If he continues in therapy beyond finding satisfying activities with which to defend himself more successfully against his preconscious or unconscious feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, and unlovableness, he may discover that an ability to experience the depth and wealth of all his formerly forbidden feelings will lead him to greater satisfaction even in the emotions he has found more acceptable.

- Clevans, E. The Depressive Reaction. 

Cold House (2. Sweet)

He knocked the door, she opened.

- Come in. She said while going back to the living room and sitting down on the long couch to continue watching her movie.

- You're always cold, aren't you? He said sadly while sitting down on the small couch next to her.

- Don't start. She said without looking at him.

- Did you miss me? He asked looking straight at her.

- Don't ask such stuff. She said getting the remote control and putting up the volume.

- Two years. I've been by your side for two years... and that f*cking air conditioner is still messed up. He said angrily.

- Fix it. She said and looked at him.

- What did you say? He asked extremely surprised.

- Fix the air conditioner of this house... winter is way too cold and I am way too done. She said giving up.

- Are you serious? He said smiling openly and she looked at another place again with a small smile.

- Yeah. She said and wondered if that was a wise decision.

- Oh, I will fix everything in this house! Do I have carte blanche? He said excitedly and suddenly standing up.

- You do. She said and he was getting closer to her when she continued. Carte blanche around the house, don't you even dare to get close to me. And both laughed.

- Of course. Well, there's always a beginning. He said proudly.

- And an ending. She said laughing. So you better behave. I really don't want to have problems with you, I can't afford it. And he laughed.

- Do you want to help me to fix it? He asked, he just wanted to spend some more time with her in fact.

- I am busy. She said pointing out the television in front of them with the remote control.

- I missed you. He said in a pitiful tone and making a pout. She turned off the television and stood up, he just looked at her.

- I am not planning on doing anything. I won't help. I will just sit down close by while you fix it. I want a complete report on what you've been doing the last couple of months. She said emotionless.

- You never change. He said playfully.

- Neither do you, so let's go. She said and they walked to the second floor where there was the central air conditioner. They walked up the stairs and got there, he got some tools but before touching anything he wanted to make himself sure about it was okay for her.

- Are you sure about this? He asked looking at her worriedly.

- Don't ask and fix it. She said coldly.

- But you told me he... He couldn't finish because she threw something on him and almost hit his head, he opened his eyes widely.

- I won't fail next time. She said looking at him expressionless.

- You're so crazy. He said disturbed and started working.

- I am. She said and one tear fell down her cheek, but she cleaned it immediately.

- Not sure about him being happy to see some changes around here if he ever comes back. He said trying to turn down the tension and trying to cheer her up. He knew her better and he knew how hard this was for her.

- He's not coming back, there's nothing to worry about. She said with an empty voice while hiding her face in her legs.

- Why are you asking me to fix this now? Is there someone coming over? He asked a bit concerned and she laughed thinking he may be a bit jealous over nothing.

- Just fix it. What a curious guy you can be. You wanted a warmed place, fix that. I'll get some chocolates, do you want some? She asked and he nodded.
She went down the stairs, picked up some chocolates and came back up. He didn't seem to be the right person to fix anything but she enjoyed to see him trying so she didn't pursue him about letting it be until she may bring someone that can actually fix it.

- This is a bit strange... I mean... I don't know... It's a bit weird, but I will fix it. He said looking at it very carefully. She put a small chocolate close to his mouth and he looked at her speechless.

- Open. She said and he opened his mouth. - Sweet, no? She said and smiled and he couldn't tell what was sweeter for him, if the chocolate, her actions, or her smile... He decided to believe it was her smile, he would never get tired of being able to taste a bit of the sweetness she spread around when she seems to be in a good mood.
He missed her... he really missed her and due to her actions, it seemed to him she did too, even when he knew better she was never going to say so, at least not to him. In any case, he wanted to believe so... And he also wanted to believe he will be the one fixing that place, and bringing back the warmness to her house, he wanted to melt down her cold heart and bring back her true-self. She couldn't be that lifeless, distant and icy, of course not, after all that time around he knew better how the sound of her laugh break the strongest rocks and the gentleness of her soul can give peace even to a fatal wounded soldier and this is why he was still there... This is why he accepted to stay even if she offered her friendship only, this is why he didn't just let her go, because even if she seemed to be deeply hurt over a past love, she was still a shining diamond in his eyes; and even as a "simple friend", she still had the power to make him shake.

[First part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/10/cold-house.html ]

[Second part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/12/cold-house-12.html ]

[Third part: https://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/12/cold-house-13-together-separated.html ]

Dead Wishes.

When you get sick life changes... When you get diagnosed everything turns around, and all your plans fall down. Like when you get a death sentence... and there is no hope left. 

There is two kind of sick people: patients willing to fight and patients willing to give up. But then, how can someone fight against a death sentence? You can only let it be... and suddenly every single day starts to count.  Every. Single. Day. Because you are not free like the rest anymore, you can not tell you will do something next year, or next month, or even next week! Let's don't talk about the next day, there's no such thing as "tomorrow", all you have is today. And you start wondering constantly if your life made any sense... if you can look back and say "I did well" and smile, at least me when I looked back I still don't know if I've done the right thing. Probably one of the few things I feel proud about is having been able to let people go... not because I am happy letting people go, but because it's healthier for them. What can someone do for you when there's no salvation? They only get frustrated, and you feel that your life ends up even sooner while they're too busy trying to keep you breathing. That's not for me.

If there is something I have learned well is to bear with my sadness on my own, I may not know how to handle other feelings by myself, but sadness has always been my forte. I have had to cope with depression for way too long not to know how to. One more thing added to the list of reasons to be in such state doesn't really make the difference. 

Still, I wonder why in movies, it seems once you get sick, everything turns to be perfect, everybody loves you and you have no other worries than your illness and suddenly faith recovers you and so, and so. In reality, life goes on, as usual, and the difference is that you listen to a clock in the background, that keeps on striking the time in a super rude way, like... it's super noisy. I mean, we all have a clock in the background, but when you have counted hours earlier than you thought, earlier than others, then the clock seems to be merciless, it seems the volume gets to its maximum automatically. 

Oh and your body! It turns into a real pain, in fact, that's the hardest part to hide... How to excuse the changes in your weight? Your skin color? Your energy? It's a bit hard to make up excuses all the time and convince people about everything is well... staying away from people helps them not to notice though... I wonder if they really don't notice or just close one eye, I guess I'll never know.

But then again, as you breathe, life goes on... and things hurt the same for everybody, but your clock being noisier than others dispose you to be in a constant hurry, you don't have time anymore to make decisions... at least not the time you used to have before. Suddenly you ask yourself "Should I call him?", "Should I explain to him?", "Should I let him know?", "Should I apologize one last time?", "Should I let him know one more time how much I've loved him?" but all these 'Shoulds' are useless, at the end one last question turns down all the previous ones "What for?" On the verge of collapse, you realize any move you do will end up being absolute nonsense, then you become a passive being... you become an observer... and you feel lifeless before you life end even, because there's nothing waiting for you, and there's not certain about anything anymore...  

I wonder how other people go through this, and I wonder how the fighters, fight it. My own experiences have taught me that fighting doesn't really lead me anywhere, so I ended up becoming a coward and a surrendering. I guess I don't even have the right to live anymore... I wish I could have had more time, I wish I could have done things better, I wish I could have been less weak, but all those are just wishes... dead wishes that will never come true now... Wishes that will die with me the minute my illness will decide to bring me completely down, wishes that will get buried with me... Wishes that were destined to die the day I was diagnosed, or even the day I was born. I guess the doctor was right... I guess cancer is not a joke and I guess my blood is not good enough for this world.

Still... all I care about.
[Photography by Madelaine Bustamante]

Space Bound - Eminem

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JByDbPn6A1o

We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much
But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us
It's lust, it's torturous, you must be a sorceress
'Cause you just did the impossible, gained my trust
Don't play games, it'd be dangerous if you f*ck me over
'Cause if I get burnt, I'ma show ya what it's like to hurt
'Cause I've been treated like dirt befo' ya
And love is evol, spell it backwards, I'll show ya

Nobody knows me, I'm cold, walk down this road all alone
It's no one's fault but my own, it's the path I've chosen to go
Frozen as snow, I show no emotion whatsoever, so
Don't ask me why I have no love for these mo'f*ckin' ho's
Blood suckin' succubuses, what the f*ck is up with this?
I've tried in this department, but I ain't had no luck with this
It sucks, but it's exactly what I thought it would be
Like tryin' to start over
I've got a hole in my heart for some kind of emotional roller coaster
Somethin' I won't go on, so you toy with my emotions, ho, it's over
It's like an explosion every time I hold ya, I wasn't jokin' when I told ya
You take my breath away, you're a supernova and I'm a

I'm a space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you, right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you, right at you, right at you

I'll do whatever it takes, when I'm with you I get the shakes
My body aches when I ain't with you I have zero strength
There's no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths
Why do we say that until we get that person that we thinks
Gonna be that one and then once we get 'em, it's never the same?
You want 'em when they don't want you
Soon as they do, feelings change
It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate
I wasn't lookin' when I stumbled onto you, musta been fate
But so much is at stake, what the f*ck does it take?
Let's cut to the chase
'Fore the door shuts in your face, promise me if I cave in and break
And leave myself open that I won't be makin' a mistake

Cause I'm a

I'm a space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you, right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you, right at you, right at you

So after a year and six months, it's no longer me that you want
But I love you so much it hurts, never mistreated you once
I'll pour my heart out to you, let down my guard, swear to God
I'll blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms
Drop to my knees and I'm pleadin', I'm tryin' to stop you from leavin'
You won't even listen so f*ck it, I'm tryin' to stop you from breathin'
I put both hands on your throat, I sit on top of you, squeezin'
Till I snap your neck like a Popsicle stick
Ain't a possible reason I can think of
To let you walk up out this house and let you live
Tears stream down both of my cheeks, then I let you go and just give
And before I put that gun to my temple, I told you this
And I would've did anything for you to show you how much I adored you
But it's over now, it's too late to save our love
Just promise me you'll think of me
Every time you look up in the sky and see a star 'cause I'm a

I'm a space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you, right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm so lost without you, without you, without you

Picture and Drawing by Madelaine Bustamante.