Some kind of love letter for you

Dear you,

    This is a love letter. I told you in advance because I'm a bit excited, I've forgotten the last time I wrote you a real love letter; during all this time apart I've written anything but a love letter... it's not like a love letter would fix anything, but I'll like to write something sweet. Don't worry, I won't send it to you, so that you won't get disturbed; this is between your imaginary presence and me, about us.

    It's a bit depressing knowing I am writting a letter I'll never send because the addressee is done with me and doesn't want to get a word from me, but somehow it's even sadder not allowing me to express myself when it's all I can do freely. This probably wouldn't make sense to you, since it doesn't really aim to anything, but talking about purposes... it lets me be, it helps me to handle your absence. I've tried it before and it doesn't really help that much, but it's better than nothing.

    Sometimes I'd like to go back in time and understand you a bit more, you surely believe I don't understand anything about you, not even now; but believe me if I say that the cultural differences make a lot and I am not sure about you being able to find all of them in a simple book as the one I sent you. Anyways, after all this time apart, where I've dedicated so much of time to the study of your nation, culture, costumes, language and so, I can see many times it was just us not being able to communicate properly cause some things that were normal here, aren't normal at all there & viceversa; and I am not talking about my personal particularities nor yours, but general ones due to the places were we raised in. But we can't go back in time, chances don't pass twice in life, no matter how much you beg and pledge for them to come back.
    I wonder if you're forgetting me, maybe I am way too egoistic wishing for you to remember all those things about me that can only hurt you now; I say it because those same things only hurt me now in any case. It's such a pity I never got the opportunity to see directly to your eyes, more than sad eyes, they are your eyes and for that single fact I'd love to see them... I never saw you smiling, nor I listened you laughing, isn't it such a waste? I'd pay to see and hear that, at least once in my life... You aren't dead still that's an impossible wish, how unlucky!
    Last time we talked you said you remember clearly the mood of all our last conversations and I remember that too; but, don't you remember our good times? We had so many... even if not in the last months, we had so many good times... it's just very painful to recall them because they seem so far away, almost unreachable but they're right there... maybe I have better memories since you were so sweet... I know you said I'm sweet too, but I don't see my sweetness reaching your level, you were just so sweet to me. So how in the world can I possibly forget you? How...?
    I remember the day you told your mom about me, even if it ended up badly, I was so excited about you telling YOUR MOM that day, telling her about me! Everything felt so real... I remember the first and last time we went on call, it was a bad experience for you since I couldn't get to control myself, but putting aside the fact of you kind of scolding me, I was so happy to finally be able to listen your voice and how I made you say that "purrr", that was one of the sweetest things in the whole universe! I remember you waving your hands "goodbye" to me because I asked you to, how can't that be considered one of the cutest things an human being can do? Even if I didn't see you doing it, I trust your word completely and if you say you did it, then you did, my love. I remember you staying awake until late for me... you may think I didn't value it because at the end I said you did nothing for me, but I was just hurt and those words don't really count, I truly valued those effort of yours, especially when you use to try to go to sleep but I asked you to stay longer and longer and longer and you stayed! Until your eyes couldn't bear it anymore and used to close themselves cause you were just so sleepy. Then? Can you admit you're a sweetheart? Because you are. I remember you making fun of me... in so many ways, and I miss that; and even if you making fun of my jealousy isn't something I exactly "miss", it is something I can appreciate by now, I hope you may understand me if I just couldn't take, can't take and will never be able to take jokes about you with other women, that's just not allowed unless you want to disturb me. I remember those videos you made for me showing me the places around you... I remember so much...
    You wouldn't believe me if I tell you you get me over and over again, in so many ways; I could fall in love with you every brand new day, I actually do... it's a shame me not being able to cause that on you... not to be able to make you like me every new day... Even in your absence, I fall for you every single day, even the days I deny it! It's funny because the days I deny it, I just say that “I hate you”, but by saying that it's pretty obvious I still love you... I couldn't hate someone I don't love in first place. I wonder when will come a time where the memories wouldn't be enough... because that day seems so far and even if some days you hurt less, there are moments like now, where you still hurt so much, but so much... that I feel like getting crazy.
     Do you know? I want to learn maths now, would you still like to teach me? I always find an excuse to text you, even if the excuses have always a solid base, still excuses to text you somehow; but obviously they don't fool you at all and I have reached a point, where I can't continue pretending I don't get your message about you wanting me to disappear from your life, but... I just, already, feel myself so out of your life... I can't believe it'll come a time when you'll forget about me... I've read and heard and watched that you never forget your first love, also that the things with your first love never really work out, but if so many people have gotten it, why couldn't I be among the ones that got it? Why couldn't I stay with you forever? Why my love wasn't enough to keep us on going? I miss us so much... but I understand that you don't...
    I'm sorry I couldn't be your strength back in time... I'm sorry it took me so long to get myself together and regained the strength necessary to fight for us both... I don't know if I am asking forgiveness to you or myself right now... all I know is that I feel sorry for it because somehow it broke us... But... did you know? I loved you... yes, in past tense; I love you, in present tense; and I will love you... even if you may not believe it, in future tense... I didn't make a mistake by loving you, my mistake was loving you wrongly, you deserved a better kind of love and back then I couldn't offer it to you while being in such state... And now I can't give it to you because you wouldn't allow me but still I offer it to you as always, handed on a gold plate, I offer it to you with open arms, I offer it to you sincerely... I offer it to you because there is no one but you that I could offer it to, because there is no one but you I'd want to give it to. I love you, so much... so much...

Picture and drawing by Madelaine Bustamante