I prefer it that way

I came in and found her staring straight at some paper on the table so I walked towards it and couldn't believe what I found.

- A flight ticket to...! What have you done now? He told you to stay away! What in the world have you done now? I asked extremely irritated, I was simply done with her irrational behaviors about this matter, I was done fighting with her and trying to convince her to pursue what's better for her, what's better for him! For their own's sake, they should remain separated. She started crying while sitting down and looking at the floor.

- You're not going anywhere! I said and broke that ticket in tons of pieces just reminding myself that it was a piece of paper she could print as many times as she wanted.

I walked out the run annoyed with the whole situation, but entering the bedroom only made things worse... There was a bag already done on the bed, I opened it and there was nothing. An empty bag! She was taking with her an empty bag! I walked out of the run profoundly desperate, thinking whether I should truly lock her in a mental institution or keep on trying but actually I couldn't handle such insanity anymore.

- If he meets you he's going to be so mad! He'll shut the door on your very face! What if you don't meet one person but two? I said anxious and she just looked straight at me like wanting to kill me with her eyes.

- At this rhythm you're going to kill all of us, we can't bear it anymore... I said softly now expecting for some reminders of humanity inside of her but she only covered her eyes like admitting she was ashamed but at the same refusing to give up on the idea. I couldn't take it anymore, this state of passivity was taking me nowhere. I started hitting her uncontrollably, her arms, her head, her legs, her hands, I wanted to destroy her with my own hands! I wanted to destroy her myself before than allowing her to destroy herself, before than allowing him to destroy her in such despicable way! 

- You are not! You're not going after him anymore! You better pull yourself together because I am not rescuing you not even one more time from the hole you fall in whenever you exchange words with him! He doesn't want you in his life anymore! Do you understand that? I said and I stopped myself when I saw the mirror and I saw her nose bleeding... and all those scratches all over her body... What was I doing? What was left for her if I'd leave her? My tears started falling and I let myself fell down on the couch.

- I am sorry... I am so sorry... I said over and over again extremely surprised and embarrassed of such reproachable behavior but at the same time overwhelmed. How could I made her understand he destructed us by leaving but she was damaging us by coming back over and over again to him when she knew his answers in advance.

- I believe there's someone else... but I prefer to die with the uncertainty than ever get to know he's actually holding someone else in his heart, I prefer to bury myself over and over again fantasizing him sharing his life with someone else than ever getting to see such image, I prefer to be murdered every night by the jealousy going through my veins than he admitting someone else is going to refugee herself in the warmness of his arms, I prefer the lack of oxygen than ever truly accepting all the words he said to me mean nothing to him today, I prefer eternal loneliness that ever gives myself to someone else by acknowledging that man doesn't belong in my life anymore. I may be sick, but I prefer to die slowly with this sickness inside myself than ever letting go all we had. You're not allowed to follow him anymore, you're not allowed to call him, you're not allowed to contact him, you're not allowed to appear in front of him because if you do, it'll be the very end of the last piece that has been left for us of him. I said while looking at my harm hands and thought how right he was about the "self-destructive" word, I just stayed there... looking at the tiny pieces of paper of my flight on the floor, I'd have to cancel it.

Photo by Madelaine Bustamante

“Prayer: 'Oh God! May I be alive when I die.'” 

(Winnicott, C. 1989)