The risk

‪“Why are you saving them this time?” My shadow asked and it startled me, as you must know my shadow doesn’t talk to me on a daily basis.‬

‪“Well, I am doing my research,” I answered. Why would I have to give an account of my actions?‬

‪“People isn’t supposed to be an object of study,” she clarified and I couldn’t help but giggle, “Oh, what a dreamer,” I thought, and what a dreamer indeed, to think that a person can be discovered through a bunch of letters, but... aren’t we all a bunch of letters? There I go again, confusing books with people, or not?‬

“I would say that that is for me to decide, thank you,” I replied.

“What about that person?” She insisted.

“What do you mean?” I asked confused now. What was she referring to?

“Don’t people have a choice to decide their own definition in your eyes?” She replied with another question.

“That’s subjective. I see people in a way, they see themselves through a different lens, and it applies the same method the other way around.” I said a bit annoyed. Where was this conversation leading anyway? It seemed a bit pointless to me.

“Isn’t that a bit unfair though? Not to allow the other person to have a word on what you make out of their words?” She said and I could’ve sworn she was looking at me in the eyes if it wasn’t because a shadow has no eyes.

“Has that option be given to me then?” I asked hurt now. Everybody builds a person out of their own impression, and I didn’t see them having a judgemental shadow blaming them for it. 

“You seem to believe I am being unfair, without taking into consideration your own unfairness; and you seem to think I am talking out of place here, but aren’t you always thinking out of place? You say to hate double-standards but you are fast to take them yourself as if they were alright when it comes to you. All I am saying is to give people a chance to know you, and give yourself a chance to let them know you; to risk it won’t kill you, even if you consider sorrow a small death, isn’t that better than not living at all? You want the world, but you would refuse to open your eyes the minute the world comes in front of you. Then what is it that you want?” My shadow said throwing light in my darkness and I wondered if the word “shadow” was nothing but a way to hide them.

“If you are talking about... I am doing my best to handle things on that matter while hefting the different options regarding life choices I am being faced with at the same time.” I replied.

“Why do you have to be so tight for everything?” She asked and I thought she was good at taking risks.

“Because it is safe,” I replied sure of my answer for once.

“Might as well die.” She said sharply.

“Might as well,” I confirmed. The cold silence followed after that got me crying all night long. How much I hated to be a source of my own unhappiness, while thinking there may be, even in a world like this, space for some gladness.

Side note: This is me writing about whatever I write, while the world succumbs to the coronavirus.