First Day of Ramadan

Photography was taken by Madelaine Bustamante

It is the first day of Ramadan and I am at ease. See, in my constant search for understanding many times, I forget to recharge my batteries. I forget that my heart and soul need to be fed more than knowledge. I forget that I have a strong need of God in my life. A need for God that isn’t minimized to a few reminders here and there, or to a bunch of studies, but in truth, to a real relationship, within my current capacity with God.

If I have to be completely honest, the past two years have been a big challenge for me regarding understanding many things in the spiritual realm, and I felt lost, confused, overwhelmed, and scared many times. But not once did I turn to the divinity without feeling protected, recovered, stronger, motivated, and recharged. Still, I have this terrible habit, just like most of us, to push away my spiritual needs and overload myself with teachings, books, and writings; and don’t get me wrong, I have learned a big deal and I am nothing but grateful. But, only God knows how much I missed this feeling, this inner peace, this calmness. This sensation of being able to breathe in this air seems so asphyxiating sometimes.

Many times I wonder how we make it. I wonder about the reality of my fortitude because I always find myself so weak. I can’t face things on my own, because I find myself so small, I find everything huge! And it is just when I turn to Allah and I am able to see my own power through Him that I feel I can do it. I can do it because I am part of Him, I can do it because there are still thousands of worlds and mysteries for me to discover; and if my frailty, accompanied by cowardice doesn’t allow me to go on, my curiosity and my deepest feelings that I can’t even name will always do the job.

I was not born imperfect. I was born the exact way I was supposed to be born, and it is up to me to navigate this life and find in this sphere and others the many gifts God has put along the way for me. Just as He has done for all of us. I hope you are all suffering and enjoying life as much as I am. I hope we are all alive enough, to revive to the death call every single day.