Let's do it, one more time.

She was looking to the skyline asking herself as many things as usual... just trying to figure out what her next step will be. She was amazed at herself, she was alive after all and in situations like this she just used to lose her heart and that was it. She was actually completely done with that vicious circle but she kept thinking about if she was able to stop it or not.... she thought the new piece may help with that.

"All this has been really hard... and I'm in a point where I can't take it anymore, I can't handle it. My own life is such a mess thanks to this... I don't mean to say all was such a mistake, I'm just saying almost everything is going in the wrong way otherwise I wouldn't be feeling so heavy... I just want to run but I can't stop looking back, I know it's mostly my fault for letting things go so far but I will like knowing if you ever think about it... Like seriously, if you ever think about all the hurting things you can do or say in order to let go your anger, but how all that destroys me... I ask myself if you want me alive, not just physically alive but psychically alive."

She left that place because it was getting late to go to her meeting, she was going to go out with the girls, it wasn't going to fix a thing, but for a few hours she may not stop feeling but stop thinking so much about all. She was listening to Lady Antebellum and their words were saying it all "Nothing more to say, nothing left to break, I keep reaching out for you, hoping you might stay. Nothing more to give, nothing left to take, I keep reaching out for you." so she could do nothing else but shed some tears.

On her way, someone called her name but she didn't stop; a second time... she didn't stop still it sounded closer; a third time, she was not going to do it but this time the boy touched her bag.

- Hey Menna weren't you listening? (he said but she didn't turn around yet)

The number of tears increased, telling her "here he is" laughing cause of her luck. She tried to clean her face and turned around.

- Hey Amged, I'm sorry I couldn't actually hear you. (she lied while putting out her earphones and falsified a smile)

- Are you okay? (he asked worriedly)

- I am, thanks. What about you? It has been a while. (she said calmly)

- Yeah, I'm sorry we haven't been in touch I've been really busy with my exams. (he said that as the biggest truth of the world)

But she knew perfectly the reason, he could not lie to her, not even once because even trying was a fail. It was okay anyway, she wasn't going to say a thing, she wasn't even going to react as she should, she wasn't going to get mad, she wasn't going to apologize, she wasn't going to give him any bad face, she was just going to hear and take his words how he gave them to her, as the biggest truth of the world even knowing it wasn't like that.

- It's okay. How were your exams? (she asked without any special expression on her face)

- Good, thank God. Happy Ramadan Menna. (he said and smiled)

- Good. Happy Ramadan. (she smiled back)

They started walking in the direction of a little opened store, once there he opened the cooler, took two ice creams without even ask if she wants one or not, and paid. It was getting late anyway though, they were already able to start eating.

She sent a message to the girls saying she's sorry but she ain't going, and she stayed talking with him mix feeling of peace to seeing him again and anguish thinking about when will he leave again.

That was it, she thought; let's go back to the routine, let's make it right, and let's ruin it one more time. Let's try to be okay and let's start a silent war one more time. Let's laugh for a few hours and let's cry and get mad for whole days one more time. Let's do it as we've been doing it all this time... one more time. 

- It's not so bad, right? (he told her referring to the weather lately)

She didn't really pay attention to his last words and she even forgot what were they talking about and a thousand memories went through her mind, the days crying, the nights without sleeping, all that time being so moody, the mistreatment of the people she loves cause of her sadness thanks to him, the empty days on the bed trying to don't break when she was already broken... but even through all that, she just gave him the answer he wanted.

- It is not actually. 

And those words hurt her as well because it was really bad, but at the same time, It Was Not So Bad as long as he was there... as long as he stays, even if it means staying to cut her into pieces more little, after all, he was going to pick them up later and cut them one more time. She asked herself how many pieces does he actually need to cut her in order to be pleased with her. She laughed, the answer didn't really matter, she wasn't going to get completely tired as long as he was there she thought bitterly. 

"Do not grieve; indeed Allah is with us."  

[9:40]

Forever.

- Mom... Do you miss daddy? Asked her little daughter
- I do baby. She answered and her eyes held a lot of depth.
- Mom, did he love you? The little girl asked with real curiosity.
- He did, he does and he will. The mom answered firmly.
- And me? does he love me too? She asked shily.
- Yes... a lot baby, a lot. She answered with tender.
- Mom... why are you wearing your wedding dress again?
- Because I miss your dad. And the tears start falling.
- Is this dress himself? Asked the kid confused but excited and made her mother laugh even through all her tears.
- It is not... But it reminds me of the second best day of my life.
- Second? What's the first one then mommy? 
- When you were born. They smiled and hugged each other.

He was not there but he was... after all he never left in first place, she couldn't allow that. They wouldn't do so.

And they lived happily forever, because daddy is always here, even when my eyes can't see it
my heart can feels it. Mommy taught me that... and I'm going to teach you about grand dad presence.
END.

Pain.

She was admitted in the hospital one more time, if things continue like this she was going to die even if no one meant to kill her. 

- What happened this time? Asked the doctor who used to attend her while she was on bed.

- Nothing. She said barely breathing.

- You got a heart attack one more time and I am sure it was not cause of excitement and joy. What has happened now?

- Nothing. She insisted with a better breathe now.

- Why are you hiding it again?

- I am not.

- Then everything is fine...

- It is.

- I guess you want to come back home since you're better now.

- I want.

- You'll die at this rhythm

- Probably this is one of the best ways in any case.

- Wh...what?

- Can I go now doctor?

- You can. He said with a deep pity in his eyes.

- Thanks and goodbye. She said with a sad smile. See you soon.

- Goodbye. He said admiring her strength.

She moved hardly and sit up by herself the best she can, the nurses weren't allow to try helping her since she used to refused to get any help; and left, walking in a strange way and holding her breast as if her heart was going to fall at any moment.

- Will she be okay? A nurse asked to the doctor.

- I hope so. He said and stated attending someone else.

And what no one saw was her tears while she was leaving. Actually she didn't want to come back nor she wanted to leave... she just didn't know what to do and how to live anymore.

Let's go to the park.

The day was beautiful as usual in that zone, I was taking my kids to the park as every Wednesday afternoon and my husband was waiting for us to get ready in the car, he used to help me to get the boys ready, Isa with nine years old and Yasin with three years old, and get in the car; still preparing Hanan our six years old daughter, to go out was almost a real challenge due to her father preferences and mines when it comes to dress her.

Yasin and Isa were already in the car with their dad, once I got Hanan ready I walked with her til the door realizing about how fast Mounira was growing up and stopped for a minute when I felt a little kick in my belly, it was a fact, she wasn't going to be a football player as Yasin, I used to believe my belly was a ball and not a part of my body when I was pregnant of him. 

A huge light got me blind for few seconds when I was close to the car I got dizzy for an instant, Hanan smiled and I noticed her dad took a photo of us as usual, I just didn't know how he still get to catch me when I was not looking. 

- Let's go baby. He said grining. 

- Let's go. I said smiling. Actually I used to get mad when he took pictures like that but after having three kids and spending twelve years by his side I was already used to those pictures as well. 

- Mommy mommy you look very cute today. Said Yasin as soon as I got into the car.

- Shsh Yasin, you know nothing, mom looks cute always. Isa corrected him and we all laughed.

- Oh that's right! mom you look always cute. Said Yasin pleased with his own words.

- Thanks everybody. I said to my boys.

While everybody was praising me I noticed my little girl was looking down to her shoes.

- Hey honey, what's wrong? I asked worried.

- Mommy you look so pretty. She said looking at my face with those big diamonds that God let her as eyes.

- Thanks sweet heart. I answered smiling to her but she was still down.

- What happen my love? 

- Mom... you always take long dressing me and you're always saying I look pretty but Isa and Yasin never do... She said so doubting of my words.

- Oh really? I said so and hold her for the arms and put her up til she reached the top of the car, she just opened more and more her eyes and smile cause she used to love that game when she was smaller. 

- Mom! She said screaming with joy. 

- Boys, here is your sister today, doesn't she look cute as well? I asked.

- Of course she does. Said Yasin.

- We all know Hano looks great, you always say it, doesn't she know? Said Isa.

- Apparently she wasn't sure. I said looking at my girl with complicity.

- Hano just look at yourself in a mirror. Said Isa in a funny way. Her brothers made her blush and I was just happy to see her so excited.

- Prins. Said my husband while driving.

- Yes daddy? She said shyly and looking at him now.

- You look gorgeous. He said with a half smile and wink. She hided her face into my neck hugging me fastly. And he and I laughed hard.

- By the way baby, you're looking more handsome than usual today. And my babies boys are looking perfectly, there's no other way since they are adorable always. I said and looked down finding my little men looking at me with opened eyes, smiling a lot and pleased with my words. 

- Thanks babe. Said their father.

- Thanks mom! Thanks mommy! Said my boys.

We reached the park and my husband tried to take his kids with him but while Hano ran to him, little Yasin came to me and Isa tried walking alone in first place but since he saw one of my hands with nothing he just walked towards me and held it.

I couldn't ask for more, I was just so thankful with God and my wonderful family.

The Why's

If I cry, why do you cry?

If I laugh, why do you laugh?

At the end, what do people want?

If they don't even know why should I think about that?

More Than Special.

You know… I’m the kind of person that don’t stop loving someone easily, that kind of person you come to think “uff, when will she leave me alone?” yeah, I gotta admit I’m pretty annoying, like a child and ever worse… still there are so many people that have let me and I’ve let go out of my life so many times… It has been so painful, still nothing as painful as just the idea about losing you :) NO WAY MAN, that’s not even an option in my head, anything would be better than losing you… I really mean it when I say I know you’re not perfect, I can’t say I know absolutely everything about you… but I can say I love everything I know about you (: for me… you’re not just a friend, for me you’re not a part of my life, you’re my life itself… I mean, if you’re not in, then my life is… it’s not my life for real, because not an important only, but one of the most important pieces is missing: You <3 I think you’re one of the best person I’ve ever met, yeah you :D with all your things, I swear to God, with everything, with your good virtues but also with your flaws, also I don’t want someone perfect since I know no one can be that but God, so… all I want is you to be there, no matter what… maybe I’m selfish, maybe I’m childish, maybe I’m too naïve, maybe just maybe I’m asking and begging for something eternal even when I know nothing can last that long… still, while you’re with me, I want you to know, how amazing you are, how you come to be such an exceptional human being, that kind of person that you look for over and over again everywhere but you barely find… like a real treasure, that kind of treasure that make you think “what a miracle” yeah… that kind <3 you’re not an usual person, you’re not as weird as you think you’re though; yeah, you’re not easy, you’re so hard to handle sometimes… only God knows how many times I have shed tears for you… you have no idea about how many times I’ve been mad at you or sad over something you do or say, but nothing has been sooooooooooo painful as the thought about I might lose you… that kind of thought is… unbearable, that’s why I care so much, because I can’t be without you for real, for me you’re the best friend I’ve ever had & I’m sure about you don’t know how much it means to me… You may think I over react about your value, you may think I’ve put you in a throne and I can’t really see the way you are and how you’re not as amazing as I seem to think… but it will be an understatement saying whatever I say. I can say a lot of bad things in you :D I can name one by one ;) still if I try saying all the good things I find in you, all my knowledge in words will come to an end still my good thoughts won’t; if just for one day, you can see you the way I see you, you’ll start loving you sooooo deeply, that you’ll never ever feel any kind of hate over yourself.

Probably you’re already thinking I write too much… no matter how many I write, I never come to express all what I feel, seriously, no matter how many. I just pray to God, there will come a day when you open your eyes in your day to day and you can see there’s no need to be the best, being yourself is more than enough, being yourself is already being the best even if it’s not like that in your own eyes. I trust you so much, that I can say you’ll always be a little better than what you’re already are because you’re always improving yourself, to you own rhythm for sure, you don’t have to be like the rest, it’s good the way you do, stay true to yourself you’re doing it great, just don’t let people, don’t let your mistakes, don’t let anything make you think you’re anything less that all what I’ve said, because I can assure you’re all what I say and more. Please… smile at the mirror every day at least once… because that mirror is showing you one of the person I love the most… my best friend in the world :) and looking at him is certainly one of the biggest gifts life can give you, apprec iate him & value him as much as you can and remind him day to day how much I love him <3

The air that his body left.

She was shaking again, all her body was having compulsions, the nurse called immediately the doctor of the department and he came as soon as possible; he ordered the nurse to give the young lady some pills and they put her to sleep again.

Are you okay?
Yes, I am fine. 

So, drugs are doing a great job on you. 

Shut up. 

What was that? 

Nothing. 

Why are you here anyways? 

I don't know. 

I'll go now. 

N... okay.

She woke up, she was dreaming about him as usual, she was missing him as usual. She had to talk with her doctor today, after all making her spend her whole life in a mental hospital wasn't the plan of Doctor Amged. 

- Hello Menna, how are you feeling today?

- Good, as usual. Thank God.

- Have you been talking with him today?

- With who? Am I even able to talk anyone here? Half of the  people here isn't okay in their heads.

- Is everything okay in yours?

- Why do we have to have this conversation every single Wednesday? What's the point?

- We need to see your improvement.

- I haven't talked with him for entire months now.

- What about the dreams? Are you still having them?

- It doesn't count! This is pretty unfair, my dreams are something I can't control.

- Fine. What about the compulsions yesterday?

- What about it? It's not like I control that neither.

- What were you thinking in to get like that?

He said so and she shed a tear, obviously she was thinking about him, killing herself with the remembrance of his death, thinking over and over again how he disappeared without letting any signal of life and made her fall into that eternal state of depression.

- Nothing.

- Why are you crying now?

- Because of nothing.

- What's "nothing" right now?

- Nothing means nothing! What do you want from me? You seem to know everything! So what the heck do you want me to answer? Isn't it obvious? I was thinking about him as usual! I am freaking sick of myself, yet I can't control it! Everyday I ask myself how it comes he has gone and haven't even said goodbye! I keep on thinking he's alive and it hurts to know he abandoned me! then I think about he has died and it hurts even more to imagine he's not breathing any longer while I am! I don't want to get attached to anyone ever again! It hurts too much to care so much! I'm going to spend the rest of my life in this stupid place, so just leave me alone!

- At least you can talk openly about your feelings now... It has been a while since you do so.

- He was being an idiot today in my dreams, after the pills he just appeared there making fun of it, saying I'm in drugs. I frankly don't know how it comes I get attached to people like that, it must be a damnation.

She made the doctor laugh and even her couldn't believe he was laughing at something like that.

- I'm a patient, you suppose to respect me and be serious with me. Don't forget what I was studying, I know well how your behavior must be.

- I wasn't laughing at you.

- Oh really? Then about what?

- About him. I mean, your memories about him are so clear than even your brain works out to make him appear in your life pretending he's still here. It's like a transfer, I guess I don't need to explain what is it, you know it. Yet it's not like you've transfer your regard from him to an object or other person, but you've made the transfer to your brain, to the air that his body left. We don't know if he's dead or alive, so you make sure yourself about don't put that feelings on anyone nor anything else... like if you're waiting for him to appear one day and come back to normality. It's simply amazing because no one in the whole family has gotten into this kind of depression, not even mom. And he used to say you're a strong girl and your love for God was always pushing him to be stronger. Now you're here, stuck in this four walls waiting for a friend that you don't even know if he'll come back. You say you don't control it still you do, because since you want it, your subconscious find a way to bring him back, so at the end, it's still you who's making all this.

- Sure and he has nothing to do here.

- He's not doing anything. We don't know nothing about him since last year.

- It seems like you've gotten used to the idea of his absence.

- He's my brother, it's not like I don't miss him, but it's not the first time he does this. He has done it several times before you met him, yet he has never been away for so long.

- Stop it. The consultation is over. I am still sick, gotta stay here, bye.

- Have sweet dreams Menna.

- Not funny.

- Goodbye girl.

- Peace.

Menna went out to her room and lay down on the bed looking at the window as she used to do. 

The nurse came into the doctor's office.

- Is she getting better?

- She still doesn't know who I am. She's waiting for me but she's not letting me get into her world ever again. She expresses herself more openly now, still she makes me see I am no one, the one who left is all and the one that came back, after leaving for only six months, three  years ago is no one.

- I think she's improving then. At least she talks more now, this one last long.

- It may be possible.

- Keep on trying doctor, your colleague still needs you.

- Certainly she does, thanks.

- You're welcome boss, excuse me.

- Go ahead. Bye.