The broken

And for some strange reason, I couldn't write anymore... it felt like the words were stuck in my neck, in my fingers, about to go out but never actually doing it. I just thought about him and his perfect image hit me with such strength that I thought for a second that he really wanted to destroy me.

- What is that you want to ask? He asked calmly and I seriously wanted to get crazy on him. I wanted to start breaking everything in the house if we would've had a house; I wanted to know if all that was worth, all the pain, the problems, the discussions. I wanted him to assure me that all that I was giving up for him was worthy because he loved me, and if not then I wanted to know if our relationship was falling and if it wasn't just me overthinking.

But I was just too afraid to ask: "Do you still love me?", "Have you ever loved me?", "What am I for you?" Those questions that I asked him in one or another way many times before and always seemed to get the wrong answers; and for the first time ever I was too tired to get along with his silence, with his secrets, with his mystery, I was drained. There was the man whom I was offering my whole life but I wasn't sure whether he even loved me.

- You're not ready for this. I am not ready for this. I answered begging to the sky for him not to insist, not to ask again, not to break my heart in such a cruel way; because this was the last time I'd allow him such imprudence, if he'd insisted, I'd had to let him go even if I wasn't ready to do so.

- I am ready for anything, just ask me. He said and I really wished he was ready for the question I was going to make because my heart was hanging by a thread.

- Do you love me? I felt how all my pride fell to the floor because I never listened to that from him but had to ask myself; I felt my heart getting broken into thousands and thousands of pieces because his silence said it all; I felt my world falling apart because I'd built up my whole life around him because he meant everything... absolutely everything to me; but if he wasn't loving me at that point, there was nothing that could ever make him love me. I already gave him all I could, there was nothing left for me to offer him so that he could love me.

- Let's talk tomorrow. That was his answer and it hit me like a bucket of cold water, no... it was more like snowballs hitting me strongly on a winter day in the coldest place in the world anyone can imagine. I lost it all after that.

After that everything changed... I just felt how in a matter of seconds my depression got deeper in such a way that was scary but I didn't have the guts to tell him why. I didn't want to pressure his feelings on me, but I also didn't want to go on in a relationship with someone that doesn't love me, nevertheless, I couldn't let him go. I didn't want to give up on him but by going against the waves I was hurting myself deeply. 
I started living in hell day after day, even when life was hell since a long time ago don't ask me how it suddenly became just worse; the freshwater that he was throwing in my days suddenly stopped refreshing me. And even when I didn't mean to, my pain spread so much that it reached him.

The days passed by and I felt I was turning into a real danger to myself, this whole situation was out of my hands and I just needed it to stop. Whether emotionally or physically I was being killed by my own hand.

- What can I do? What do you want me to do? He asked insistently and I felt over and over again how the words refused to pop up, how they hid inside my heart preventing another homicide; instead, he was also struggling because of my silence.

- Nothing, really. I couldn't ask him to love me... it was useless.

- I'll do whatever you ask me to, I put my life in your hands. He said so sweetly but his words sounded like a lie. Why would someone that doesn't love me offer me such a huge thing as his own life? Whether he loved me but couldn't acknowledge it, or I was missing a point and couldn't get to it unless he himself would explain it to me. There was something wrong in all that I couldn't tell exactly what was it... 
I was just making him unhappier, making myself unhappy, making us unhappy, until one day he decided it was enough and throw me away expecting me to go back crawling to him... not keeping in mind that I didn't even have the strength to crawl back then. Even with all the love stored in my heart for him, I didn't have the power to go through all our turbulences while knowing I wasn't being loved. I could take anything from him, except for him not feeling me at all.

I was just way too broken to make anything right... but that he couldn't see it. He was way too broken to make anything right at that very moment as well... but I just couldn't see it.

(Photo and drawing by Madelaine Bustamante)
How does a romantic fall out of love?

The concert.

Tasnim was deeply sleep when a hit made the car shake waking her up.

- What...? She said pushing away the hat from her face and opening her eyes, annoyed by the sunlight.

- We ran out of gas! Agatha said in despair while moving her hands and arms hysterically.

- Don't we have more? Nicoletta asked putting down her purple sunglasses and playing with her dark hair with the other one; while looking to Carlos directly in the eyes. 

- Actually no... Her boyfriend looked at her with a "I am sorry" face.

- Are you kidding me? Tasnim said sitting down immediately and started fixing her black veil. 

- No, Tasi. I thought we were going to travel three hours only so the gas was more than enough, then you girls changed plans this morning and I totally forgot.

- We're going to die... I am going to pray my last Hail Mary's. Agatha said. Nobody could believe that blondie was devoted and dedicated catholic, her blue and apparently seductive eyes due to the light make up would have never let you know it though.

- Are you serious? I have to pray too then. I need some water to wash myself and I need my carpet and... I am lost. Why didn't I bring anything with me? The girl in veil asked now looking really concerned to Aga. Nila and Carlos bursted in laughs. The girls looked at them immediately profoundly indignant.

- I didn't want to come! I told you that concert has nothing to do with me! Tasnim screamed.

- But you said you wanted to see the city... Also we were going to hang out around before the concert and you said you were going to meet the mosque there. You were happy about coming! Nicoletta said now a bit annoyed now while thinking about what to do and looked at Carlos who was in his phone. Agatha was compulsively reciting her Ave Maria's and Tasnim started crying.

- We're half way. Carlos said looking at Agatha. I could asked Romeo to come and pick us, but I don't know if we'll have any time to tour before the concert. Sorry Tas. He said turning around in his sit giving and apologizing look to her, while she cleared up her tears.

- Thank God. Tasi said. It's okay Carlos, thanks. She said now calm.

- Thank God indeed. Agatha said smiling and Nicoletta started laughing.

- Thank you, my love. I'd be lost without you. Nicoletta said to Carlos and pecked him. Can someone again remind me why in the world did I bring my boyfriend for this insane trip with my crazy friends? He could be at home watching sports and not losing his mind with three babies! She said joyfully and everybody laughed.

- Thanks, Carlos! Tasnim and Agatha said at the same time and kept on laughing.

- But seriously, Tasi, a carpet? Wash yourself? In the middle of nothing? Do you really take a shower and a carpet everywhere? I mean, I have seen you prayed in your extra sweater or that extra veil you usually take with you, but... Nila asked skeptical.

- To pray is always good. Agatha said and Tasnim laughed.

- It is! Tasnim answered smiling and holding Aga's hand. Other girls take a small carpet on their bags usually, I just don't like to carry heavy things with me. I mean I already carry my laptop and my drawing notebook and my notebook and a bunch of things more... But yes, during kind of long trips I tell myself better to be ready. Tasnim said and sighed.

- Will he be there? Agatha asked.

- Will he!? Nicoletta asked turning around and looking to Tasnim alarmed. Carlos left the car to talk on the phone.

- I don't know... Tasnim answered embarrassed. I saw him on the break time yesterday but he was talking with his friends so I couldn't approach him... Also I didn't have any excuse to do it. She said now bitting her thumb nail and pretty much covering her whole mouth.

- Oh my! Agatha said disappointed. You should just invite him to the mosque you attend! He'll surely go! He seems really nice and easy-going from a far. 

- Maybe he will say yes... Or maybe not. In any case, you could approach him with any excuse! Nicoletta said frustrated.

- Last time I approached him asking if she knows Luisa because I saw them talking and I was needing to reach her, he gave me her number; before that I asked him if he knew what metro should I take to get to my aunt's home since he knows better this city; and before that I asked him what classes he took this semester! I can't continue doing it! He'll notice if I don't appear up with a proper question so that he won't notice! I can't be like "Hey, Jhon! Would you like to go to the mosque today with me?" or "Hey! My friends told me about this awesome movie, want to go to the movies?" Seriously girls! Are you trying to take me to my grave?! Tasnim said and started laughing and so did her friends.

- But you could just... Agatha said before getting interrupted.

- Of course because whenever you see Mateo at the church you walk right to him and start talking about the weather. Tasnim said ironically. Mateo seems like a really nice guy too.

- It actually works. Nicoletta said. My psychologist told me to do it, to talk to people about whatever, so when I met Carlos I didn't know what to talk about, but I didn't want to lose the chance of getting to know the first guy I have come to like after Francis. So I went to him and told him "I think today is going to rain, did you bring an umbrella?" And he laughed. That's how everything started.

- Well, Carlos is a sweetheart! John isn't precisely "sweet", I mean, he is cute but... not like cute-sweet, just cute like a child, but I don't know... Tasnim said concerned.

- You don't go to the church to talk with boys... Agatha said a bit annoyed and laughed.

- True. Tasnim said.

- Are you going to his house then, so that you could approach him? Also, you're in that catechesis thing on saturdays and he goes there too; you guys don't give those classes at the church but your sister' school, then? Nicoletta said trying to motivate her and Carlos got into the car again. The girls stayed in absolute silence.
- True. Tasnim said again.

- Scary... What were you girls talking about? Carlos said and everybody in the car started laughing. Romeo is on his way. We may have one hour to hang around and then we can attend the concert. By the way Tasnim, he told me he's coming with a friend of yours... Mateo I think he said. The girls were in shock. That Mateo isn't going to the concert so you could hang around with him in the meantime, the concert won't last more than a couple of hours and this guy knows well the town because his family lives here. Tasnim started laughing.

- God's will. Agatha said and Tasnim laughed even harder and Nicoletta joined.

- You girls have definitely lost it. As long as you don't drag my girlfriend with you, I am fine. He said intertwining his fingers with Nila's, they looked at each other smiling in complicity.

Vuoto

“«Molto tempo fa» disse «molto tempo fa esisteva qualcosa in me, ma ora è scomparso. Ora questo qualcosa è scomparso, questo qualcosa è scomparso. Non posso piangere. Non posso soffrire. Quel qualcosa non tornerà mai più».”


Francis Scott Fitzgerald - Sogni invernali. (Dalla raccolta “28 Racconti”).

Real

I realized that too much presence turns into absence
And too much trust, into naivety
Too much sweetness, into bitterness
And too much hope, in absurdity
Gradually I learnt the meaning of realness.

Balance was never a place for me to stand,
Insanity was my second name
And chaos my personal stamp;
How could I survive in a world this?
Reality never fit me, still I am real.

My core hurt constantly cause I used to believe
That I have gotten some control over all this;
I guess lying to myself is the best alternative
I don't know how to bear life as it is;
Maybe magic realism is all I've ever believed in.

June 25th, 2017

Let's talk in silence

- What are you doing? The little girl asked me, I looked at her for a minute and I decided to ignore her since I wasn't in the mood to handle anyone, not even a child.

- Hey, what are you doing? She said now getting closer and touching my shoulder, I just looked at her again. I stayed quiet one more time, waiting for her to leave and she did.

Surprisingly after some minutes, she came back with a cloth and a small tray that seemed to contain water. She sat down next to me and cleaned the puddle of blood and I started crying. I couldn't believe she was there just helping me when the rest of the people left when the people I thought would help me didn't do it, when the people I trusted in, betrayed my trust; when my people's selfishness was stronger than their so-proclaimed love.

- It's okay to cry sometimes, don't worry. I will help you to clean up this disaster. She said kindly and my heart felt such comfort that I nearly couldn't bear it. I wouldn't tell this beautiful soul why I was crying, I don't believe she could have understood anything, nor my pain, nor my embarrassment, nor my confusion, anything... But, at least, with her sincerity and company, she could hush the demons eating me inside.

- Does it hurt a lot? She asked with those pretty eyes and I just nod with my head, because I couldn't stand to say a word, but at the same time, I couldn't stop answering to that human being showing me such kindness even when I didn't deserve it.

- It will be fine. Pain doesn't destroy you, it makes you stronger. You'll learn with time. You must stand by yourself. You don't need anyone to be fine. Also, I will always be secretly here for you. She said almost whispering as if she was trying to lower the impact of her words on me. And I don't know if she got her goal or not, but I just kept on crying while cleaning the blood all over the floor next to her.

- Black looks good on you. Bleeding is okay, I guess it's some sort of disease, look. She said and open the middle of the front part of her pink dress, she had a huge scar. - When you'll stop crying, it'll stop bleeding and someone will sew it up for you and you'll feel better, then you'll have one like this. I used to hate it before, but now I like it, makes me feel stronger... It's like the proof of it. She said smiling at me and I just looked at her surprised, I wondered what her age was, but I thought she couldn't be more than eight. My hand, almost instinctively, reached out to her scar and touch it tenderly, her skin was cold but the zone around the scar felt really warm as if it wasn't really part of her... I just admired its constitution and for some weird reason I found it beautiful, I lost myself in it. Then I looked at her eyes again and she seemed okay with my action but I retracted my arm immediately nearly apologizing with my eyes. 

Suddenly, I was not crying anymore and I was excited about getting a close wound, I didn't want to cry anymore nor clean the blood anymore, I wanted to be as amazing as this lovely and bright little girl. It was okay being cold outside as long as my inside would remain warm, I just wanted to get rid of the sorrow and have the strength to go on and show proudly what a warrior I was. I was tired of getting hurt, I was tired of being part of the civil, and I wanted to be part of the militia, just like her. 

And this is how, in a matter of seconds, a little girl helped me recover the hope I lose from time to time, I wonder if she ever gets tired or bored of us and this cold house, in any case, she was growing up strong and I expected her to continue like that, she was my main inspiration and my role model.

A true friend for each other

- Jump. He said with confidence and I looked at him with hatred.

- What if I get hurt? I said looking down and looking at him. I was really scared but somehow he convinced me about this being a great idea.

- You won't. I am here with you, come on. I am going to jump too, I am going to jump with you. Trust me. He said really sure about every single word but still I wasn't that sure... In fact, I was terrified and if it wasn't because he was right there about to jump with me, I would've given up on the idea long time ago.

- I swear I am going to kill you if anything happen to me. I said and he laughed as usual, because apparently I was some sort of joke in his life, he wasn't afraid of me anymore!

- Okay. He said and I was wondering whether it was because he really knew nothing was going to happen to us or because he knew better I wouldn't have the guts to kill him, since tons of times before I've threatened him with the very same thing but still he has always found a way to escape unharmed. We jumped. 

Frankly a few times in my life I have felt so scared and even less times I have been able to survive without even a scratch, to be fair enough here, I must almost the most of the times his advices were good and he was really a trustful person even if the most of the time I was accusing him from not being the trustworthy type. I must also admit I made it really hard for him in the very beginning but after nearly two years handling me I should give him some credit and confess what a real keeper he is... Yes, we've gone through a lot of rough times and our friendship isn't always as stable, but somehow it's real, even if he himself may deny it sometimes. Don't misunderstand him, he doesn't actually mean our friendship isn't real, he just means it could be "more real" with a few more "conditions" on our favor.

Now coming back to our jumping experience, I won't tell I enjoyed to the maximum such adventure, but I must also say I was happy to know I got the courage to do it thanks to him, I was happy that he was so happy about doing it with me since he had done it before and wanted me to go through the same "awesome" event, I was happy to be able to do something for him; I was happy to see the great involvement of both on us in our friendship.

- Did you like it? He said after it with joy. 

- Sure. I said sarcastically and smiled. Yes, me the girl that doesn't really know about sarcasm talked with sarcasm and what did he do? He laughed, of course. 

- Come on. Didn't you like it for real? Okay, tell me what you felt. He asked.

- No. I said sharply, but there was no use in that since he knew better that me answering sharply wasn't always a big deal and since he hasn't done anything bad to me I didn't have any real reason to be mad at him.

- Tell me, if you don't tell me I won't be able to get anything of it. I want to know your thoughts and feelings about it. We could do something else next time. He said.

- Something else!? I said alarmed. Him and his extreme sports were going to kill me at this rhythm. I don't want to do anything else like this again. I said annoyed while looking at my hands.

- I meant some other activity, maybe something softer so that you can enjoy it. He said looking at me.

- Will you enjoy it too? I asked looking at him now. We have different tastes, so for us to be able to enjoy the same thing was pretty much a challenge. 

- Yes, we can think about something and discuss about it, so that we may arrive to something that we both may like. He said and I got happy. Sometimes I wonder how can he enjoy to spend time with me, I am sincerely that what people describe as "a pebble in the shoe" especially for him... he was right there during one of the hardest time, if not the hardest one, of my life and he just stayed even when I am a bunch of insecurities and I am always putting silly blames on him, even when he doesn't deserve it. He's not an angel indeed, I have gone through hard times thanks to him as well, but he is a sincere and caring friend and I believe I couldn't ask for more from him. 

- Alright then. I answered now excited. Let's pick! I said while getting my phone to asked google about the sort of activities we may like. I guess he won't ever be able to know how much of a blessing I consider him in my life and how grateful I was with him for getting along with me and for enjoying the fact of being the friend of a lunatic, chaotic, crying-baby, annoying, insecure girl like me, but I couldn't help but smile while sit down near to him while doing our personal research because even if I wouldn't say it often he was one of the people I was proud the most to have... he himself was struggling a lot with his own life, but somehow he got a way to be an exceptional friend to me and even if he was always giving me headaches, he was also teaching me and helping me to grow up without putting too much pressure on me, he was awesome and very beloved to me and I hoped it'd remained like that forever. And I really wished, deep in my heart, to be able to be at least half of the friend he is for me, for him.

If you'd just let me

I could re-build the world by your side…
If you’d just let me;
I could be the strength you say not to have,
If that’s necessary;
I could be the love that you lack,
If that’s what it takes;
I could be the willing to go on,
If yours isn’t sufficient;
I could even be the peace of your mind!
If you’d just let me…
Because you’re the love of my heart,
Without even trying!







(May 2017)