Let's just go home

- Oh my God! Where in the world have you brought me? She said with a disgusted face.

- He is "hiding" here. I answered calmly while going on.

- He lives here you mean. But why? Why, the heck, have we come here? Why are you looking for him now? She said while stepping on something she had no idea what it was other than a slimy substance and screamed horrified.

- You can go back if you want. I answered and sneezed.

- You're catching a cold in this piece of nothing you've brought me in. She said now offended.

- I will be fine. I said wiping my nose and starting to feel some headache and stopping for a second, just to continue walking.

- If he is nowhere to be found, don't you think it'd be better for you to let him go? She said finally calmly while putting aside the limbs over her face.

- I didn't come to get him back. I came to check on him. I said thinking about how senseless my words were and she sighed.

- Then you are saying you don't want him back and we have come to this den just to see how is he doing? She asked skeptically.

- Yes. I just want to have a look... If he is doing well, I will leave in peace. I said wondering if I was hiding something from myself apparently, I was uncovering already because I was thinking about the matter.

- Sure and if he is not doing well we're going to nurse him and take care of him until he gets on his feet and send us to the beach one more time? She asked ironically and I chuckled.

- No, if he's not doing well, I will keep praying for his well-being expecting he'll recover soon. I said and I regretted it immediately because I knew what she'll say next.

- Perfect then! Let's go back home! You can keep on praying for him, it's not like you'll do something different than that. You lack the guts to even face him now, oh! I know that well. She said and I wished she could shut up for a minute, for goodness' sake! I was starting to get annoyed and my body increased on feeling indisposed as we penetrate into that place. I didn't even know if I would find him there but had left with my tied hands and without any more resources, this seemed to be my one and only option.

- There is someone waiting for you right now... and this person may get hurt to know this. She said more like a threat than a piece of advice and I turned around swiftly in rage.

- Don't you dare! I said with my closed fist.

- You made your decision and he made his. This dude is not your business anymore and that person you're carelessly neglecting will give up on you at a certain point. This story is over, stop wanting to re-read it because it can bring you problems. She said looking at me pitifully and I cleaned up my tears.

- That story’s character is dear to me. I tried to explain myself with that lack of sense always present in my sentences.

- Let's hope for the best. Hopefully, he's involved in the best story of his life by now. But you darling, you can't check on him as you please. There's too much at stake and it's not worthy anymore. You may end up doing more damage than good and not just to yourself. She said and I knew she was right! I just didn't want to come back without having a peek, I just wanted to see he is fine.

- But... It's all I could say before bursting out in tears and my legs started trembling, I felt I was going to fall but she held my arm before it happens.

- Let's go back home. This is not a place for us to be. You'll be taken care of properly at home. This is not worth it, let's go back home. She said and I just let her drag me out. 

Once we reached the outside and the sun lit up our faces one more time he was already waiting for us lying down in the car. I didn't really know what to do, say, or even think... I was feeling way too sick and ashamed.

- She's not feeling well. She said still holding me and looked at her thankfully because I couldn't extract a single word out of my chest and when she talked I felt she saved me from drowning.

- I will take care of her now, don't worry. He said holding my arms now, giving me firmness I wondered if I hurt him and felt like vomiting over the thought.

- I... I wanted to say I was sorry, I wanted to explain to him it was all over but my conscience was not at peace by knowing I have left someone I loved deeply behind. It was not me being in love anymore! It was my sense of responsibility, it was the importance of my promises, it was my sincere esteem that would bring me back to know if there was anything I can help with. But I just started crying again, because I knew that in order for me to feel better I was hurting him by being careless over his feelings for me and over my silence because not explaining my actions in advance would only lead to confusion and could push him to insecurity about us.

- You don't need to say anything. He said and hugged me... I felt so beloved I couldn't stop crying. I knew he was kind, and I knew he would always do his best to keep me sane, I just didn't take into consideration how hard that could be while me being in such a state. I know you love me. I know you would never do anything in order to hurt me. I know you're "freaking crazy" as you would say, but at the end of the day, I know very well there is nothing I should be scared of when it comes to us. And do you know how I know it? I know it because I wouldn't let it happen, and because day after day you show me there is stability for us in your chaos. And I know it because, even if I am not you, I've learned to love you, feel you, and love you just the way you are. I know you wish the best for him and you're just worried, I know he gave you way too much for you to just stop caring and I know he meant way too much for you to stop wanting to get involved. I won't say I am okay with it, nor that I like this situation, I really hope this won't happen again... but even if it happens again, I want you to know I understand, even if I dislike it. It doesn't hurt me as you may be thinking, it bothers me because I don't believe he deserves it anymore, but then again I know the way you are and I know you believe he deserves good no matter what. But if he deserves good, I must deserve even better and I got that having you so don't deprive me of the blessing of your sight. He said superbly and my heart was beating to such a speed I was fearing it may stop working at any time, then again I felt reassured, I felt strong, I felt renewed and thought about how important his presence in my life was and I squeezed him and he laughed. 

- Don't you dare to bite me! He said scared and smiling, but it was too late for my "vampiristic instincts", I was ready to attack and he was ready to receive my own doses of love... A sneeze of mine saved him though and we all laughed in the unison.

Yes, you will.

“What’s your alibi?” —She asked concerned.

“That I was with you that night.” —He said spinning fastly carelessly in the turntable chair.

“No, you were not.” —She said looking at him feeling angry and confused.

“But that’s what I will tell them.” —He said smiling.

“And they will ask me...” —She said getting anxious and worried about the whole situation.

“And you’d say I was. Otherwise, they’d put me in jail.” —He said slowing down the pace.

“No, I won’t.” —She said now calm with a mad tone.

“Yes, you will... Because you love me, Tiffany.” —He said now looking straight at her while smiling shamelessly because he was sure of his statement. And Tiffany cried out of anger because she knew better he was taking advantage of her love, but she wouldn’t let them put him in jail. Over her dead body. She cleaned her face and smiled back at him.

“I missed you. Let’s go, Robert. There is a lie that needs to be said.” —It was all she said until Robert reached her out and got his face really close to her. She held it in her hands and he kissed her deeply.

Intimacy on Display by Agnes Cecil.

And then they walked to the door together, they were just so used to that insanity... This was just the beginning of a new adventure for them both.

What is the Love?

Photography by Jorge Bustamante

    I wrote the re-definition of the concept of love a year ago, it took me so long to age there and I can't tell how much I fight it. I am the quintessential romantic, the type of girl that keeps Disney Love Movies Industry on their feet because I am always dreaming of the perfect and everlasting love image they sell us. In fact, the "and they lived together forever after" at the end of silly stories about princesses and the blue prince was something deeply buried in the deepest of my heart. 

    My psychoanalyst had a lot to do with me having the guts to go against my own ideology about love... because in this crazy mind of mine, travelling the world for your beloved one, giving up on everything you know for your beloved one, putting aside your pride for your beloved one, making ridiculous vows to your beloved one and promising eternal love despite adversities of any kind (which includes this person not loving you anymore, or even not having ever loved you) made sense, this Romeo and Julieta story where love doesn't know impossible was rooted in my heart and oh God, how hard it was to make it more realistic! Even now I can't completely say my "renewed" concept of love is truly stick to reality, all I know it sounds like a more "logic" definition, even if I am not sure about me being able to connect or mix logic with love actually. Then this is what I got about love a year ago:

“Love is not everlasting by itself... But love exists. Still it's me the one making it forever and true, but I only make it true and forever if it's worthy; and it is worthy only if the other person respects me, gives me security and the life I feel I deserve, in summary if the person loves me back. Love is not forever by nature, feelings are changeable naturally. Then when it comes to LOVE, I CAN make it forever JUST if it's worthy; but at the end, Love Does Exists.” (Bustamante, 2017)

    And for me to get there I had to talk with friends and non-friends, I talked with people I know and people I don't know, I talked with adults and young people, I even talked with taxi drivers I literally saw once in my life! I talked about it with any human being that gave me the chance to talk about it. I almost lost my "faith" in love... It was incredibly traumatic, because Love means so much to me, even if I am a complete chaos when in love, even if many times my words don't go hand to hand with my actions, even if I suck at it, love means so much to me, love is sacred. 

    

    Redefining love was hard for me, even if the change was "slight", it took me an extraordinary amount of temperance and hitting my head over and over again, cry wildly because it just could not be possible that "love is not forever within itself!" People were wrong and, of course, I was so right... and if it was as people said and not as I thought then: Love Does NOT Exist. A dear friend of mine took a few minutes to explain it to me and, miraculously, I understood! It entered in this stubborn head of mine, and I don't know if it was me finally opening up my mind, or her sincere esteem for me and her wishes for me to be emotionally fine, that melt the substance blocking my eyes from the truth. I couldn't be more thankful for letting me see that Love Exists, maybe not with all the characteristic once I gave it, but as it does; and this crazy heart of mine would have to re-learn it. And to re-learn is good, sometimes it is even necessary... I don't believe love is an illness as many do, I don't believe it is something you have to get cured of, I don't believe it is something bad even when it has hurt me deeply and let me huge wounds, even if at times I seem a "Love Skeptical"; I keep on believing love is something beautiful even if painful at times and I wish you people keep on believing in love as well.

    

    I was a bit hesitant about writing something regarding this, it is very personal; and lately, I don't have the luxury to spend some spare time writing about my thoughts and philosophising as much as I would like to, but as I got a reminder about this re-definition of mine of this concept, and I thought about all the people struggling and going through the same hardship I went through years ago and I believed worthy made some time in my agenda to write this and let other romantic ones know this "discovery" of mine, waiting for having light up a little bit the darkened road of some of my peers; because if even one person gets to read this and felt some peace of mind, I would feel the time I took for this wasn't in vain. I would like to end this by quoting an interesting quote of one of my favorite writers so that you guys can have something else to think about even after finishing this reading:

“Love, the poet said, is woman's whole existence.” 

― Virginia Woolf, Orlando

“Tajitos” Primera Publicación (Muy Pronto)

¡Damas y caballeros! 

Para el mes de Marzo publicaré, si Dios lo permite, mi primer libro “Tajitos” que es una colección de Poemas y pequeñas historias de temas variados, pero principalmente en torno al Amor en sus diferentes enfoques; también incluye dibujos realizados por mí.

Si alguien está intersado/a en adquirir una copia, por favor notificarme con anticipación para tenerlo presente, el costo será de $22 y consta con alrededor de 127 páginas. 

Desde ya muchas gracias a todas las personas que lo compren, es mi primer proyecto de esta índole y significa mucho para mí. ¡Lindo día para todos con el permiso de Dios! 

#Tajitos #PrimerLibro #GraciasADios 

Excerpt of a Love Story that Never Was

—“I love you, I love you, I love you” she said frantically while holding his left arm desperately and rustling it with an anguish expression all over her face, while he looked at her intensely and breathing heavily.

As he was starting to get his face closer to hers, she would move violently fast away from him and cover her face with her left hand while seeing aside and start weeping.

—“I am sorry. I am so sorry, please forgive me. Please don’t take my words into account. I could not know less what I am saying nor what I want.” She would say sharply, covering her mouth with her left hand and he would storm out of the room, slamming the door behind him, while being as hurt and disappointed for the confusion she would drag him into, as usual, one more time.

She held in her wishes to stop him and retracted her hands to her breast, in an intent to keep herself together and not let her heart fall. She couldn’t retain him for the rest of her life while being as messed up as she was. He was not going to allow it, she didn’t want him to allow it.

Fui y me escondí, en un sitio lejano...

Y justo cuando piensas que hay fechas que ya no duelen más, que ya no dolerán más, esas fechas de nuevo te golpean fuerte, te golpean sin piedad alguna, entonces te das cuenta, una vez más de que no has superado nada. Y que si bien los seis y los diez, no chocan con tanta intensidad, siguen doliendo hondo, hondo, hondo... y te preguntas cuando serás capaz de sacarte ese dolor de adentro. Cuando serás capaz de mirar atrás y perdonarlo, y perdonarte, y perdonarnos, porque: todos cometemos errores y confiar en él no fue tan malo porque te trajo grandes enseñanzas, y a su manera y tanto como pudo él te amó; porque no es culpa tuya que las cosas no hayan funcionado, algunas cosas son destinadas a ser y otras no... otras no, otras no ¡Otras no! ¡Y no es tan malo! Se sobrevive, se sobrevive... con lo sueños rotos y el alma herida, se sobrevive.

El maldito problema es que nadie va a entener jamás, y que sus tantas palabras no te llegarán jamás, que los besos, las atenciones y el afecto no serán capaces de curarte, porque lastimosamente tantas cosas se han ido con él... más de las que esperabas, más de las que quisieras, más de las que puedes costearte. 

Me gustaría ser capaz de confortarte, de decirte que ahora lloras pero mañana no pesará más... pero han pasado ya dos años y tres meses y sigues llorando con tal desesperación que me parece casi imposible, y mientras más pasa el tiempo, más lo dudo. El punto es que puede ser que llegue un momento en que de verdad dejes de hacer castillos en el aire a su lado, pero las heridas quedan... y aunque sanen superficialmente, temo que nunca sanen por dentro. Interesante, antes habían inseguridades, miedos a medias, sorpresa... ahora hay dolor, miedo... mucho miedo y un tipo de desconfianza a otro nivel, una desconfianza tal que te hace preguntarte ¿Confiaré alguna vez en alguien más? Porque no tiene sentido darse tanto a alguien y pensar ingenuamente que esta persona de verdad esta dispuesta a hacer el esfuerzo y quedarse pese a todo, pero mientras sonreías dandote la vuelta y llorabas, en la segunda ronda esa persona ya no está ahí... y te niegas a aceptar que no está, y todos lo buscan contigo porque ¡Estás segura de que solo está echando broma y aparecerá el rato menos pensado! Pero no... de verdad no está, entonces pierdes la cabeza y lo buscas, lo encuentras... ¡Lo encuentras! Y te dice a gritos "Déjame en paz", pero tú traduces esto de mil maneras excepto como lo que es... un simple y llano "DÉJAME EN PAZ"... le das mil sentidos, entiendes siempre lo que quieres entender. Probablemente él te ama pero no lo entiende, o te ama pero lo has herido, o te ama pero necesita tiempo, o te ama pero eres un poquito insoportable y necesita un poco de aire, o te ama pero le cuesta admitirlo, o te ama pero... pero talvés no te ama y ya. Talvés es eso... talvés no te ama y de verdad quiere que lo dejes en paz. Entonces un buen día, después de navegar tanto contra la corriente, lo dejas en paz. 

Entonces miras a tu alrededor y piensas en que hay que seguir adelante, porque eres demasiado joven como para dejar que la vida se termine ahí, tienes demasiadas oportunidades como para dejar que tu esperanza muera ahí, tienes demasiadas opciones como para pensar que no hay más salidas... afortudamente la vida te sonríe y te dice que puedes tener eso y más. Pero tú no quieres eso y más... tú querías eso que tenías con él y basta, a ti eso te bastaba; a ti solo eso podría bastarte, y si no lo tienes entonces no tienes nada, porque insistió tanto en entrar, cuando nadie había entrado que no solo le abriste las puertas de par en par, lo alumbraste, lo protegiste de tus propias espinas tan bien como pudiste, facilitaste todo lo que pudiste el camino para él, y te llenaste de gozo cuando llego al centro y se acomodó, y le sonreiste, orgullosa de él, orgullosa de ti, entonces cuando decidió marcharse no pudiste creerlo... pero ¿Cómo? ¿Y todo lo que se esforzó para llegar hasta aquí? Esas cosas quiebran, quiebran tanto que luego de eso pareciese que nunca más lograrás recuperarte. Entonces si antes era difícil entrar, ahora es tres, cuatro, cinco, seis, siete... ocho, nueve... infinitamente difícil entrar, porque nadie más jamás te encontrará con la guardia baja en absoluto, porque las llaves y todo lo demás ya las tiene alguien, las tuvo, las tiene y las tendrá por siempre, porque son de él, solo de él... por siempre.

Cold House (3. Pleasure)

She was in the living room reading what seemed to be a new love's book and eating some popcorn. He sat down next to her.

- Do you want to play some chess? He asked interrupting her, she looked at him for a minute and asked.

- Will you help me to remember you that I am the winner? And he laughed.

- But I always win! He said playfully.

- I am not playing. You don't know your place. She said annoyed.

- I will let you win... He said provocatively.

- I don't need to "let me win" I am a winner. She said and they both laughed.

- Never mind, if you don't want to play it's okay. What are you reading? He said reading the title. "Behind Closed Doors"... Why do you and my mom like love stories so much? He asked curiously.

- Because, apparently, we both suck at love. If we can't get it on our own, at least let us imagine it. She said making a pout and he smiled and tried to touch her hand as giving her emotional support, which surprised her and she removed her hand immediately and he felt uncomfortable.

- Don't you trust me? He asked hurt.

- Don't ask obvious questions. Of course I do not. She answered sharply.

- I may go one day and not come back due to your constants mistreatments. He said angrily.

- You're always leaving. I am nearly used to it. She answered placing her eyes on her book again.

- You know I always come back regardless of how long I take to do it, and this is why you feel so safe. He said stealing quickly some of her popcorn and she looked at him with her open mouth.

- How dare you! She said smiling indignantly. And he laughed while leaving the couch ready to run in case of her throwing anything at him.

- You began! He said smiling and she smiled back.

- Go and play on your phone, don't bother me anymore. She said moving her hand in the air indicating him to leave.

- I like to be with you sometimes. He said lying down on the couch next to her again.

- "Sometimes". She emphasized.

- Do you know? You're a very possessive friend, you need to stop it. He said placing his eyes on his phone.

- Do whatever you want. She said turning around, placing her left side on the couch, not allowing him to see her face anymore.

- Come on, don't get mad. I was just playing. He asked looking at her but she said nothing and he sighed. The game was over, she came back to her book and he had to come back to his phone. At least she seemed to be in a better mood today, yesterday she seemed so down and broken after he got to fix the air conditioner and even when the house was warm enough, she was still wearing huge and long sweaters like if she remained cold inside after all... He wondered what could he do to make her feel better... He wondered if that guy would ever truly come back for her... He wondered if she was still waiting for him even though she said he won't come back... but as the questions started breaking up his peace of mind, he decided to focus on his game and stop tormenting himself. Suddenly she turned around, now placing her right side on the couch but kept her eyes on the books.

- Thanks for staying. She said and he smiled. She acted so almightily all the time, but her heart was still so soft... and she couldn't hide it.

- My pleasure. He answered and kept on playing now happily on his phone.

[First part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/10/cold-house.html ]
[Second part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/12/cold-house-12.html ]
[Third part: https://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/12/cold-house-13-together-separated.html ]
[Forth part: https://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2017/11/cold-house-2-sweet.html ]