New Beginnings

 

It has been almost two weeks since I stopped seeing my patients. I believe I am, somehow, ready to talk about it. Or in reality, to write about it. Talking can be an extra hard exercise at times.

I had a wonderful experience at my workplace, from my very first phone interview with my boss to my last meeting with my supervisor. I was accepted just the way I am, with all my “buts”, and I felt extremely welcome at all times. 

I like new beginnings, I believe they always bring you many opportunities and they are necessary for your growth and the growth of those around you, as difficult as it can be. 

But oh God, after a whole year working there, I am going to miss so many things. I am going to miss my patients, and all the time spent with each one of them. I am going to miss my supervision sessions and all my supervisor’s insights. I am going to miss getting emails from my boss reminding us about the meetings, about being careful with the weather, about holidays zoom meetings coming. I am going to miss the group meetings where the CBHI director was always trying to brighten things up. I am going to miss all the fun times, and the not so fun, that I had.

I have listened to many bad experiences job-related so I just wanted to share how good mine was for people to remain hopeful and be able to embrace the light of those ones out there willing to share it.

I have been a little sad the past days missing all this and more, but today and now I am just grateful because I am enduring the nostalgia of something beautiful that I had with my job and I just wish for everybody to find places with as much kindness as the one I received at mine.

Special thanks to Gabrielle, my sweet boss, and her lovely gift. I will make myself sure to live up to the love and joy that the daisy flower invites me to. 

Mensajes Secretos

Querido Dios,

Las cosas han estado algo extrañas entre nosotros los dos últimos años. Muchas veces vuelve a mí la tonta pregunta de ser amada por ti hoy por hoy porque aunque pretenda ser valiente y compuesta siempre, a veces, por no decir siempre, me veo envuelta por la duda... y me pregunto si soy “digna” de tu amor, aun cuando he dejado de lado tantas prácticas religiosas y creencias. No sé bien cómo explicarlo pero yo entiendo que estás dentro y a la vez fuera de mí, entiendo que estás en todo y en todos pero... no sé cuando logre verte realmente dentro de mí, por lo pronto sigo buscandote, sigo anhelandote, y por eso me estudio, por eso trato de entender todos estos procesos, porque anhelo descifrar todos los mensajes secretos que has escondido en mí y en todas partes.

“¿Acaso no reflexionan sobre sí mismos? Dios ha creado los cielos, la tierra y lo que hay en ellos con un fin justo y verdadero”. (Traducción del Sagrado Corán 30:8)

1:17

MiC

Shadow Box

Photography taken by Madelaine Bustamante

I’d like to record everything that you say.
To be able to keep with me
Every single word you say to me
And display them in a shadow box.


I’d like to save your jokes,
Your laughs,
Yours complains,
Your dreams,
Your fantasies,
Your hopes.


I’d love to keep everything safe,
Because I don’t trust my memory,
Because time colors stuff differently,
Because I want to keep you
In your purest state.


But since my humanity lacks the abilities
That your angelic self holds,
I will just pray for the divinity
To have mercy on me
And allow my soul to carry with it…
In this and all my lives,
The richness of your love.

Written on: Tuesday, June 29, 2021, at 9:54pm with Moon in Pisces.

Fears

Sometimes I think of the possibility of losing you... I have lost some valuable things in the past, therefore the experience isn’t foreign to me. The closer we get, the scarest I get, because I feel I am always one person away from losing the person I care the most about.

Everything has been so very kind with you, and even if I believe, myself, recovered sometimes I still feel like a broken piece that must be handle with care; but you are, already, the kindest! I feel increasing guilt for my ways before and now, for putting my fears first instead of your love, always my fears. These useless and ridiculous fears... I have carried them for so long, it feels as if I am leaving behind an old friend of mine if I were to leave them, and isn’t it like that?

I would like to embrace all that you offer me with the same keen I seem to embrace my worries. I wish I can just give myself into the softness of your soul, but arms can appear so scary to me sometimes. But yours are so welcoming and I am afraid of feeling too comfortable in a house that would throw me out at some point, leaving me, one more time, all alone to face the cold of the night. 

Not just that... I am so very afraid of giving you any kind of pain. I don’t want to ever hurt anyone as badly as of what I have been accused of in the past, especially you. In truth, I don’t believe things will play out the way they did before ever again, I hope so. But this guilt won’t abandon me and causing you the slightest ache would tear me apart.

Maybe I am not good enough. I have been called all these horrible names... from people I have once thought would never harm me. But then again all the blames are mine, and I can’t even complain nor cry away my sorrow because there is a judgemental part of me, even now, telling me I have no right to. How come your beautiful soul has decided to stay by my side? Will you wake up one day noticing you didn’t marry the fairy you thought, but a simple human being instead? My beloved, I hope you do not.

I hope to be able to fulfill your dreams and mine, to hold your hand and walk this prickly path and I believe I can keep on doing it as long as I have those pretty roses you gave me. I will carry them with me forever, combined with your love. And may our love clear up the way for both of us... may our souls always be able to bond and allow us to go on. 

I love you, D.

Por el resto de mi vida

¿Y ahora qué? Ese llanto silencioso que se hace cada vez más fuerte, que está cada vez más presente, que me ahoga y no me deja ver más que cristales. ¿A qué se debe esta vez? ¡Oh, alma mía! ¿Cómo es que ningún tratado te basta? ¿Cómo es que nada nos alcanza? Nuevamente hastiada, este sabor a vida que empalaga. ¿Cómo saborear la muerte sin morir en el intento? ¿Cómo probar tal elixir sin dar tanto a cambio? Necesito respirar... tal vez si me acerco más al precipicio seré capaz de obtener una bocanada de aire, un ligero empuje que me permita volar. Explorar los mundos que no puedo con este cuerpo, con esta mente, con este corazón: todos tan llenos de vida, no cediendo espacio alguno a la calma. Esos latidos tan fuertes, tan fuertes, tan fuertes ¡Cada vez más fuertes! Casi amenazantes... como jurando vida eterna, que angustiante. Todo parece tan angustiante. ¡Oh alma! ¿Dónde están tus nuevos dioses? Tus nuevas fuentes de paz, esa paz que no encontramos dentro de nosotras mismas, ni dentro ni fuera.

Quisiera querer vomitar... sacar de alguna manera este sin sabor ¿O es amargura? ¿Qué es? ¿En qué momento veremos la divinidad que reside dentro de nosotras? ¿O es que estamos vacías? ¡Dime si estamos vacías! Invítame a reírme a carcajadas, por la tonta vacía que anhelaba sacar la nada que la ahogaba. Es todo tan absurdo... Soy tan absurda, una completa idiota. Hoy estoy tan cansada... cansada de esta guerra sinfín del día a día de mi vida.

[Luna en Virgo, Mercurio Retrógrado en Géminis]

My Own Paradise

 

I turned on a candle, 

hoping that whatever divinity out there 

might listen to my prayers 

and grant me an end.

I remembered ease come from within,

thought of difficulties coming from outside,

and noticed it is all inside of us.

I started crying,

maybe it was the release that I needed,

but children find it in their dad's voice.

I called my dad then,

his sweet voice would soothe me,

as it used to when I was a baby girl.

And once my heart got calm,

i understood it was my dad,

it was my crying,

it was the candle,

and it was the divine,

that helped me reached my own paradise.

— Madelaine Bustamante.

rose tinted glasses

 

rose photography taken by madelaine bustamante

 

my father refused to give you his boxed dolly,

your mother refused to give me her twinkle pearl,

i was too focused in the sparkle of your hands,

your were too focused in the brightness of my dress,

my dad was horrified for the blood in your shoes, 

your mom was horrified for the blood in my eyes,

i was far taken for my idea of the discovered twin soul, 

you were far taken for your idea of a life partner.

we were lost but they weren’t helping us,

they were hurt but we weren’t backing them up,

we were in love but they weren’t buying it,

they were worried but we weren’t believing it,

we were each other’s crystal house, 

they thought they were the owners...

owners of these bunch of broken bones

that are the composition of you and i.

but after so many years of rose tinted glasses, 

and after a couple more with only black ones,

i believe we, finally, got to see with their lenses

you saw my raw and i saw yours

so painful, real and crude

and it was way too much for both of us

so even if it took us so long,

my dreamy eyes and your curious steps found their way home,

far away from our sandy castles,

closer, ultimately, to our destiny and center.