Butterfly fly away? No way.

She let her most precious butterfly free 

while little diamonds appeared 

one after one so the butterfly asked: 

“But why?” And she said “Because of you

leaving me...” & the butterfly cried too

and fell down.

The little girl took her back and said: “But why?” 

And the butterfly smiled saying: 

“Because I thought you were abandoning me but, 

in fact, it was me flying away. And I don't want to.” 

The kid smiled back saying 

“Good butterfly, good 

and sweet friend of my heart”.

Go home.

Here is the thing. 

You're all alone. 

Stop waiting for anyone to save you anymore. 

Go back home, 

hug daddy, 

talk to mommy, 

kiss granny, 

play with brothers 

and forget about the world. 

Your world has already forgotten you, 

you're just so slow. 

Let's do it, one more time.

She was looking to the skyline asking herself as many things as usual... just trying to figure out what her next step will be. She was amazed at herself, she was alive after all and in situations like this she just used to lose her heart and that was it. She was actually completely done with that vicious circle but she kept thinking about if she was able to stop it or not.... she thought the new piece may help with that.

"All this has been really hard... and I'm in a point where I can't take it anymore, I can't handle it. My own life is such a mess thanks to this... I don't mean to say all was such a mistake, I'm just saying almost everything is going in the wrong way otherwise I wouldn't be feeling so heavy... I just want to run but I can't stop looking back, I know it's mostly my fault for letting things go so far but I will like knowing if you ever think about it... Like seriously, if you ever think about all the hurting things you can do or say in order to let go your anger, but how all that destroys me... I ask myself if you want me alive, not just physically alive but psychically alive."

She left that place because it was getting late to go to her meeting, she was going to go out with the girls, it wasn't going to fix a thing, but for a few hours she may not stop feeling but stop thinking so much about all. She was listening to Lady Antebellum and their words were saying it all "Nothing more to say, nothing left to break, I keep reaching out for you, hoping you might stay. Nothing more to give, nothing left to take, I keep reaching out for you." so she could do nothing else but shed some tears.

On her way, someone called her name but she didn't stop; a second time... she didn't stop still it sounded closer; a third time, she was not going to do it but this time the boy touched her bag.

- Hey Menna weren't you listening? (he said but she didn't turn around yet)

The number of tears increased, telling her "here he is" laughing cause of her luck. She tried to clean her face and turned around.

- Hey Amged, I'm sorry I couldn't actually hear you. (she lied while putting out her earphones and falsified a smile)

- Are you okay? (he asked worriedly)

- I am, thanks. What about you? It has been a while. (she said calmly)

- Yeah, I'm sorry we haven't been in touch I've been really busy with my exams. (he said that as the biggest truth of the world)

But she knew perfectly the reason, he could not lie to her, not even once because even trying was a fail. It was okay anyway, she wasn't going to say a thing, she wasn't even going to react as she should, she wasn't going to get mad, she wasn't going to apologize, she wasn't going to give him any bad face, she was just going to hear and take his words how he gave them to her, as the biggest truth of the world even knowing it wasn't like that.

- It's okay. How were your exams? (she asked without any special expression on her face)

- Good, thank God. Happy Ramadan Menna. (he said and smiled)

- Good. Happy Ramadan. (she smiled back)

They started walking in the direction of a little opened store, once there he opened the cooler, took two ice creams without even ask if she wants one or not, and paid. It was getting late anyway though, they were already able to start eating.

She sent a message to the girls saying she's sorry but she ain't going, and she stayed talking with him mix feeling of peace to seeing him again and anguish thinking about when will he leave again.

That was it, she thought; let's go back to the routine, let's make it right, and let's ruin it one more time. Let's try to be okay and let's start a silent war one more time. Let's laugh for a few hours and let's cry and get mad for whole days one more time. Let's do it as we've been doing it all this time... one more time. 

- It's not so bad, right? (he told her referring to the weather lately)

She didn't really pay attention to his last words and she even forgot what were they talking about and a thousand memories went through her mind, the days crying, the nights without sleeping, all that time being so moody, the mistreatment of the people she loves cause of her sadness thanks to him, the empty days on the bed trying to don't break when she was already broken... but even through all that, she just gave him the answer he wanted.

- It is not actually. 

And those words hurt her as well because it was really bad, but at the same time, It Was Not So Bad as long as he was there... as long as he stays, even if it means staying to cut her into pieces more little, after all, he was going to pick them up later and cut them one more time. She asked herself how many pieces does he actually need to cut her in order to be pleased with her. She laughed, the answer didn't really matter, she wasn't going to get completely tired as long as he was there she thought bitterly. 

"Do not grieve; indeed Allah is with us."  

[9:40]

Forever.

- Mom... Do you miss daddy? Asked her little daughter
- I do baby. She answered and her eyes held a lot of depth.
- Mom, did he love you? The little girl asked with real curiosity.
- He did, he does and he will. The mom answered firmly.
- And me? does he love me too? She asked shily.
- Yes... a lot baby, a lot. She answered with tender.
- Mom... why are you wearing your wedding dress again?
- Because I miss your dad. And the tears start falling.
- Is this dress himself? Asked the kid confused but excited and made her mother laugh even through all her tears.
- It is not... But it reminds me of the second best day of my life.
- Second? What's the first one then mommy? 
- When you were born. They smiled and hugged each other.

He was not there but he was... after all he never left in first place, she couldn't allow that. They wouldn't do so.

And they lived happily forever, because daddy is always here, even when my eyes can't see it
my heart can feels it. Mommy taught me that... and I'm going to teach you about grand dad presence.
END.

Pain.

She was admitted in the hospital one more time, if things continue like this she was going to die even if no one meant to kill her. 

- What happened this time? Asked the doctor who used to attend her while she was on bed.

- Nothing. She said barely breathing.

- You got a heart attack one more time and I am sure it was not cause of excitement and joy. What has happened now?

- Nothing. She insisted with a better breathe now.

- Why are you hiding it again?

- I am not.

- Then everything is fine...

- It is.

- I guess you want to come back home since you're better now.

- I want.

- You'll die at this rhythm

- Probably this is one of the best ways in any case.

- Wh...what?

- Can I go now doctor?

- You can. He said with a deep pity in his eyes.

- Thanks and goodbye. She said with a sad smile. See you soon.

- Goodbye. He said admiring her strength.

She moved hardly and sit up by herself the best she can, the nurses weren't allow to try helping her since she used to refused to get any help; and left, walking in a strange way and holding her breast as if her heart was going to fall at any moment.

- Will she be okay? A nurse asked to the doctor.

- I hope so. He said and stated attending someone else.

And what no one saw was her tears while she was leaving. Actually she didn't want to come back nor she wanted to leave... she just didn't know what to do and how to live anymore.

Let's go to the park.

The day was beautiful as usual in that zone, I was taking my kids to the park as every Wednesday afternoon and my husband was waiting for us to get ready in the car, he used to help me to get the boys ready, Isa with nine years old and Yasin with three years old, and get in the car; still preparing Hanan our six years old daughter, to go out was almost a real challenge due to her father preferences and mines when it comes to dress her.

Yasin and Isa were already in the car with their dad, once I got Hanan ready I walked with her til the door realizing about how fast Mounira was growing up and stopped for a minute when I felt a little kick in my belly, it was a fact, she wasn't going to be a football player as Yasin, I used to believe my belly was a ball and not a part of my body when I was pregnant of him. 

A huge light got me blind for few seconds when I was close to the car I got dizzy for an instant, Hanan smiled and I noticed her dad took a photo of us as usual, I just didn't know how he still get to catch me when I was not looking. 

- Let's go baby. He said grining. 

- Let's go. I said smiling. Actually I used to get mad when he took pictures like that but after having three kids and spending twelve years by his side I was already used to those pictures as well. 

- Mommy mommy you look very cute today. Said Yasin as soon as I got into the car.

- Shsh Yasin, you know nothing, mom looks cute always. Isa corrected him and we all laughed.

- Oh that's right! mom you look always cute. Said Yasin pleased with his own words.

- Thanks everybody. I said to my boys.

While everybody was praising me I noticed my little girl was looking down to her shoes.

- Hey honey, what's wrong? I asked worried.

- Mommy you look so pretty. She said looking at my face with those big diamonds that God let her as eyes.

- Thanks sweet heart. I answered smiling to her but she was still down.

- What happen my love? 

- Mom... you always take long dressing me and you're always saying I look pretty but Isa and Yasin never do... She said so doubting of my words.

- Oh really? I said so and hold her for the arms and put her up til she reached the top of the car, she just opened more and more her eyes and smile cause she used to love that game when she was smaller. 

- Mom! She said screaming with joy. 

- Boys, here is your sister today, doesn't she look cute as well? I asked.

- Of course she does. Said Yasin.

- We all know Hano looks great, you always say it, doesn't she know? Said Isa.

- Apparently she wasn't sure. I said looking at my girl with complicity.

- Hano just look at yourself in a mirror. Said Isa in a funny way. Her brothers made her blush and I was just happy to see her so excited.

- Prins. Said my husband while driving.

- Yes daddy? She said shyly and looking at him now.

- You look gorgeous. He said with a half smile and wink. She hided her face into my neck hugging me fastly. And he and I laughed hard.

- By the way baby, you're looking more handsome than usual today. And my babies boys are looking perfectly, there's no other way since they are adorable always. I said and looked down finding my little men looking at me with opened eyes, smiling a lot and pleased with my words. 

- Thanks babe. Said their father.

- Thanks mom! Thanks mommy! Said my boys.

We reached the park and my husband tried to take his kids with him but while Hano ran to him, little Yasin came to me and Isa tried walking alone in first place but since he saw one of my hands with nothing he just walked towards me and held it.

I couldn't ask for more, I was just so thankful with God and my wonderful family.

The Why's

If I cry, why do you cry?

If I laugh, why do you laugh?

At the end, what do people want?

If they don't even know why should I think about that?