Natasha St-Pier - Tu trouveras

Tu trouveras...

Mes blessures et mes faiblesses...

You, the best.

I could never explain my love for you

The way you're the only one in my thoughts

The way I can't face a day without you

The way you're all I want, all I need.

I could never explain your magnificence

How even the way you breathe is special

How you over care about everything

How you are extremely sincere, cute and mean.

I could never explain my life with you

Being able to go on cause you exist

Being able to fight cause you're with me

Being able to live thanks to you.

I could never explain all the feelings

I could never explain even my actions!

I am crazy and you make me crazier

All I can say is: you're the best I've ever had.

- By Madelaine Bustamante

Not enough...

But loving you was not enough

Loving you was nothing actually

Loving you was not part of the deal

Loving you didn't have importance

What matters was out of my hands.

And it didn't matter me swimming

Over and over again against the waves

And it didn't matter me trying

To understand this world for you;

I was your biggest mistake.

You'd always understand my idiocy

But not the way my thoughts flow;

You can understand my state

But never the no reason of it.

Because I'm nothing, I'm no one.

— By Madelaine Bustamante

Save me from the nothing I've become

Ella empezó a cortarse tan profundo como pudo, tan profundo que sentía que el dolor le calaba los huesos y se reía mientras lloraba porque ya nada importaba; independientemente de lo mucho que se esforzaba por darle sentido a las cosas, por entenderlas, por encontrar alguna razón de ser, sentía que no llegaba a ningún lado y ya nada importaba. 

Él la estaba buscando por toda la casa, pero no la encontraba:

- Jane, Jane... ¡Jane! Jane... ¿Dónde estás? Jane... Él insistía mientras buscaba en los cuartos, en el baño, en el balcón, sin recibir respuesta alguna. 

Esa tarde le habían comunicado a ella que había perdido al bebé y él no puedo ir con ella a la consulta así que no se enteró hasta entrada la noche, al llegar a casa y no encontrar a Jane se sentó un momento en la mesa y en ella yacía un papel que decía "Divorcio", ella le había dejado un pedido de divorcio ahí y se había ido aparentemente. Los recuerdos empezaron a golpearlo: la primera vez que la vio, la manera en que ella se reía, su necedad infantil, su vergüenza casi injustificada, sus gritos ensordecedores, sus cartas aun cuando vivían en la misma casa, su cara al anunciar que estaba embarazada... 

Fue a su habitación esperando encontrarse con ese clóset vacío que tantas veces temió pero para su sorpresa todo estaba en su lugar, ella no había tomado nada, entonces recordó todas las veces que ella se enojaba y se escondía debajo de la cama, en algún lugar de la casa o se iba a la casa de alguna amiga. Entonces la buscó por toda la casa pero no la encontró en ningún lado, la llamó una y mil veces a su teléfono móvil pero no contestó, telefoneó a sus amigas más cercanas con las que siempre iba pero nadie sabía de ella, incluso llamó a sus padres pero no tenían noticias de ella, un escalofrío recorrió su cuerpo 

"Mi amor, si desaparezco algún día, no me busques... 

Sé feliz sin mí, estaré siempre contigo;

esté dónde esté te seguiré amando" 

Le había dicho una vez en uno de sus arranques, y él la había mirado enojado de manera que ella había reído y corrido hacia él a disculparse. 

En ese preciso momento todo se volvió nada y de repente nada importaba para él tampoco. Las piernas le flaquearon y sintió como su espíritu caía al piso, derrotado ante la cruel realidad que veía frente suyo, no quería una vida sin ella... No quería una vida sin todo lo que ella le ofrecía, porque aunque ella creía no tener nada para dar, él sentía que ella en sí misma era más de lo que la vida misma podía ofrecerle. 

- ¡Jane! Gritó una vez más con toda la fuerza de sus pulmones.

Ella salió de su trance y dejo de cortar sus muñecas pero la sangre no dejaba de emanar, en algún momento determinado había perdido el control sobre la situación y había cortado demasiado profundo y sin darse había cortado una de sus venas.

- ¡Anton! Dijo tan fuerte como pudo mientras abría la puerta del ático.

Anton escuchó un ruido fuera de su habitación y vio como una escalera descendía: la había encontrado, pensó mientras una lágrima de infinita alegría tocaba su rostro. Él solo podía ser feliz con ella y, dada las escaleras frente a él, ella solo podía serlo con él... Las piezas volvían a caer en su sitio y, de repente, su corazón volvía a sentir alivio y esperanza.

Quédate

- Supongo que lo he vuelto a hacer. Ella le dijo mirando al piso.

- ¿Qué cosa? Dijo él fastidiado y ella lo miro de reojo, demasiado consciente de lo que pasaba como para pretender no saber.

- Tú sabes... arruinar las cosas. Confesó mirando al piso todavía.

- Lo que importa es que dejes de hacerlo. 

- Lo sé. Dijo en un susurro. Auden... ¿Qué dirías si te digo que tengo cicatrices? Dijo mirandolo fijamente.

- Te diría que todos las tienen, Trula. 

- ¿Te importaría?

- Te seguiría amando con o sin cicatrices. Le dijo enojado por la incondicionalidad de su amor.

- Te amo, Auden. Dijo ella sonriendo.

- Pero, Tru ¿A qué cicatrices te refieres? Dijo curioso.

- ¿Quién sabe? Dijo ella mirandolo a los ojos. Cicatrices, mi amor, cicatrices... 

De repente él recordó un día de invierno, donde Trula estaba pasando un mal momento y cuando él intentó abrazarla ella se negó pero él insistió y al hacerlo pegó un grito ensordecedor y él tuvo que soltarla de inmediato. Hasta ese día, eso no tenía significado alguno, Ella había dicho que estaba adolorida por dormir en mala posición y él le había creído. ¿Cicatrices? Pensó... A más de sus pensamientos suicidas con los que tenía que lidiar, ahora tenía que pensar en su aparente autolesión.

- ¿Te cortas, Tru? Dijo algo alarmado.

- ¿Importa? Ella preguntó mirando al suelo y él sintió como su corazón se hacia añicos, como a pesar de todos su esfuerzos ella seguía lastimándose y como esta era una guerra constante sin retorno.

- Importa. Dijo él frustrado, sosteniendo fuertemente su muñeca, cubierta como siempre por sus largos suéteres. Alzó la manga y lo que encontró fue tan desgarrador como la vida misma, soltó a Trula para que deje de forcejear y llorar.

- ¡Eres un atrevido! Dijo indignada, mientras se alejaba a paso firme de él.

- ¡Tru! Dijo él al borde del quiebre. Cásate conmigo. Dijo mientras su voz se apagaba. Y ella lo se volteó a verlo con inmenso asombro.

- ¿Quieres... casarte... conmigo? Au, ¿te encuentras bien? Dijo mientras se secaba las lágrimas que habían dejado de emanar dado el asombro que sentía.

- Sí. Dijo él. ¿Y tú? Dijo casi con dolor por el temor que sentía ante la dureza de sus palabras, puesto a que cuando quería sus palabras no eran rosas sino espadas.

- Sí. Dijo ella sonriente y corrió a abrazarlo.

Definitivamente estaban locos, él loco por ella y ella loca... simplemente loca.

I wish it was true.

- Close the door. She said to the tall girl with green eyes and red haired coming into her bedroom.

- Claire, you need to get out of this place. She said while thinking about opening the shutters but not feeling sure about the final result considering the fact of Claire being sit down in the chair right next to the window.

- What do you need Alyssa? She asked without looking at her. Holding her legs with her arms and looking at the tiny open space in the shutters.

- I needed to know how are you. She asked a bit irritated over her warm welcome.

- I'm fine as heck as you can see. You can leave now. She said sharply.

- Cool then. Goodbye. Alyssa answered and was ready to leave but thought about her bright and joyful friend that now was nothing but a pale and broken human being, and asked one more question before leaving. When was the last time you eat, Claire?

- I need no food. I'm just fine. Claire answered.

- That's it. I'm staying. I'm going to clean up this place, prepare some food and stay the night here, I'm bringing you back to life. You can't do this to yourself. Especially not for such a reason. Alyssa said while cleaning and Claire looked at her hyaterically.

- Such a reason!? Claire said and right when she stood up Alyssa was able to see her bloody legs cause of the constant cuts she has been doing on them. Alyssa drove her hands to her mouth immediatly.

- Oh, Claire! What have you been doing to yourself!? She exclaimed.

- Alyssa, I beg you to leave. I'm fine. There's nothing I need from you nor anyone. Please, just leave and close the door; oh, and leave the copy of the keys you have on the table. Claire said annoyed.

- I am not freaking leaving you! I am not! Not when you're killing yourself! Said Alyssa and the tears started falling while Claire started laughing.

- You think I've been trying to kill myself? Don't you think I'll be already dead in that case? I've been trying to survive & forgive me if this is the only way I can face life now. I'm done, Alyssa, my world fell apart and I am breathing without knowing why, so just stop it, I am tired enough.

- Oh, sweetheart. Alyssa said and ran to Claire hugging her tightly just to find herself while half of what her friend was, getting to notice it was not bones and meat anymore but bones only. 

Claire couldn't bear the mix of emotions, the softness and warmth of Alyssa's hug, the thoughts flashing in her head and the, each times slower, beats of her heart. She fainted.

Alyssa laid down the Claire's body on the floor fastly & called the ambulance.

Once Claire got admitted in the hospital the doctor talked with Alyssa.

- Lady.

- Doctor, how is she? Tell me please.

- Miss. For how long have Miss Claire been self harming? And when was the last time she ate or even drank something? Alyssa moved her head to the left and the right while crying caise she had no idea.

- Look, she is in a very delicate condition at the moment. We're trying to stabilize her but her level of amnemia is high, she has been without food at all for a couple of days already and losing blood through small but deep cuts in her wrists and legs, also, to be honest... The wish to live of the patient affect of her recovery and for what she has been doing to herself we can tell she's not trying... Or at least, she's not fighting to get her health back. She has been admitted here before and her doctor already called saying she hasn't come to meet her in over a year when she should come each two-three months to control her health... We can't tell she'll survive, but we're trying hard to get her back. You'll be able to see her soon, hopefully. 

As soon as the doctor said so a nurse came from the room:

- Doctor! We need you. The patient...

He came into the emergency room but it was too late, the beats of Claire's heart stopped... And with it her chances of better days. It was fine for her though, seemed like breathing wasn't as painful as before finally. 

What a surprised she thought while waking up, What a good dream! She said with tears in her eyes while shaking. What a good dream, indeed.

Save yourself. (I can not save me)

- Run, Marcus, run! Don't come any close, please. She begged while crying and putting a hand in front of her, stopping nothing but the air. Run, Marcus! Don't come to me any close, it's already too late, they're going to catch you. Run, Marcus! She said while falling down in the grass.

- Victoria, what are you talking about? He tried walking slowly towards her, he knew her state of mind was not the best and he should be careful not to scare her even more.

- Marcus, please, run! She screamed even harder and he hugged her from behind. 

- Here, I am, Victoria. Don't worry. He said trying to calm her and she stood up immediately.

- I told you to run... She started hitting, with her closed fist, the air. Marcus, you can't battle them. I'm going to do it on my own, you run, run away! Save yourself! She said screamed exhausted.

He couldn't understand what exactly was going on, she giving punches in the air, she asking him to save himself, she fighting. For a minute he believed moving was a good option but as soon as he stopped hugging her and walked some steps away without stop looking at her, he saw her falling down on her knees at the beginning but then laying down and putting herself in a fetal position, in pain, in extreme pain.

He came back and hugged her again and she stretched out and stood up again even through the pain and started hitting the air.

- Oh, Marcus! I begged you to leave! Can you see I can't stop if you're not safe? Marcus, I need you to go home and stay there safely! I left it to have a fight with them and for no one to be able to touch you. Marcus, please, leave me alone! I don't want to hurt you.

- Would you hurt me? He said trying to make her notice the nonsense of her own speech.

- No... I meant, I meant them. They'll hurt you and I don't want them to hurt you. Please, keep yourself safe. She begged while crying, sweating, in pain and really tired for the tone of her voice. He stood next to her and started hitting in the same direction she was doing it. What are you doing?

- I am helping you to fight. He said not knowing what he was doing.

- Marcus, there's no one there! She said horrified.

- Neither in front of... He was more confused than before.

- Marcus, you not seeing them nor being able to fight them doesn't mean they're not there! She said prey of panic due to his folly. Without knowing what to do he came back behind her and hugged her from the back.

- This is my only safe place then. You said you won't let them hurt me. I am going to trust you and keep myself right behind you. I couldn't let you fight all alone, but excuse me if I can't see who or what I have to fight with which limits me and doesn't let me help you. But, at least, being right next to you would help you not to give up because you are not allow to give up, Victoria. You're mine and you can not go with them.

She fainted; and, that was the only way to calm herself down to be with him, and he finally got to hold her in his arms, he carried her to take her back home, he passed by the bridge leaving behind that dark forest where she was so used to drive into and brought her to the light, where she wasn't afraid and where she could laugh and see, at least a bit better than in the other side. 

She was his and he was not allowing no one nor anything to keep her away from him, not even her own insanity, because even that was his.