To his feet

    There he was, so tired... and I understood it but I just thought words wouldn’t be of much help at the moment. I wondered whether he would see as weird what I was about to do or not... still I felt the urge to do it.

    I sat down to his feet, with my face facing his knees, while looking at him, who was looking to his right, and I held his hands and kissed them. 

    Everything seemed, somehow, dreamy but a bit awkward to me, why was I sitting down to his feet? I could had sit down next to him and hug him as I did so many times before; instead here I was, sitting down to his feet as I imagined myself so many times and kissing his porcelain’s hands. Whether I was offering loyalty to my lord, promising eternal love to my beloved, or begging forgiveness to my master, I had no idea at this point, it just felt right. With him, it felt right.

    He looked at me, and for a second I wondered what to expect, surprisingly enough he just kissed my hands back and I felt understood and respected. I couldn’t understand well what was going on, but what he did made me feel understood, if that makes any sense... it makes sense to me in any case.

    Then I wondered if I should remain there, just looking at his eyes, while he was looking into mine. His eyes... how beautiful I always found the depth of his eyes, and the embracing sadness in them; sometimes, some sparkles of joy would appear in them too and that was enough. 

    After all, this life wasn’t mean to be perfect nor always happy, therefore as long as I was able to see some sparkles at times, I thought I was doing decent enough as his wife. Decent enough? Certainly I thought I was doing decent enough, but that didn’t mean I was actually doing it, that was for him to decide. I could only tell whether he was doing good enough as a husband or not, and for me he was the best husband in the world. I am not going to say everything was perfect between us, but everything was going on, and after two years of marriage he was still bearing with me, now that was remarkable for me. 

     

     On the other hand it didn’t matter how many good dishes I’d try to prepare for him, nor how clean the house would remain, it didn’t matter how pretty I’d always try to look for him nor how many articles I’d read about topics I am not truly interested in just to be able to have a conversation that’s sufficiently intellectually-stimulating for him; it seemed I always had to do more, no matter how many times he’d praise me.

      Who could put up with all my moods as wonderfully as he always did? Who could handle my silence with such patience? Who could understand my ways  as good as him? The time we spent apart allowed me to meet many people that was willing to do so much for me, people that was good and understanding, but no matter how much other tried, I never felt as good as I did with him. I never felt like lying to anyone’s feet but his, I never felt like serving any other man than him, I never felt like loving and devoting myself to any other man than him. I still wonder if he felt something similar with me or with other women.

      I started sobbing, suddenly a burst of emotions occured without warning and the coldness of the air shake me out, I felt scared and alone but it last nothing because in no time he was hugging me and calming me down. I smelled him and the warmth of his body was so comforting... I wanted to stay like that forever, with the safety of his love. I wanted him to give me that forever, I do, even now.

Selfishness’s Pain

I entered the house after doing the groceries for the week and I found her sat down in the living room with some scissors in her hand, I dropped the bags, she looked up, I skipped a beat. She had told me so many times about her past depression, her suicidal ideas, her self-harming thoughts and here I was, arriving home with our food while she was holding some scissors, way too close to her face, way too close.

- “What are you doing?” I asked trying to act calmly, breathing in.

- “I am getting my ends trimmed.” She replied and I finally noticed the small trash can in front of her, I breathed out and collapsed in the chair next to the door.

- “What?” She asked, apparently, unaware. “Does it look bad? It’s my first time doing it but I just thought it’s just so simple, why do I have 20 dollars for this? I can do it myself... Or not? I think I am doing a good job so far actually, my hair looks as healthy as it should to me now. I like my hair, I like to take care of it, but I just don’t want to pay for something as simple as this anymore.” She replied looking at me and I closed the door.

- “Nobody will notice anyway.” I replied.

- “Very nice of you.” She answered clearly annoyed, I wanted to take it back but it would have been pointless now, even if I were to say that it was a mere joke as it was. “I also bought this, I am going to dye my hair.” She said showing me some Instant Hair Wax boxes, I could only think of how bored she was to be doing such ridiculous things, but I restrained myself from commenting.

- “Green? Who are you? The joker female?” And she smiled and nodded. Of course, it was always easy to figure out her thoughts, they were always related to some book, some movie, some friend, or whatever else she had been doing lately. She had been obsessing over The Joker ever since she watched the movie and went to that event in her school where they were discussing the psychological aspect of the movie. I wondered how she can be so basic with this and so complicated with another matter, many times she didn’t make any sense to me. I wonder if she ever does any sense to herself.

- “I also got pink! Initially, I thought of dyeing the ends of my hair only, so that I won’t damage the rest, but then I found these exist. There are temporary, therefore I can take them away with water, which means they are natural. Isn’t that great? I got the pink one because I love pink and because of Harley Quinn but then I noticed I’d also need white and blue if I were to simulate her style.” She said making a pout. It seems to me she is never in her clear mind when she does anything, but then I find myself enjoying her brainchild, they were somehow refreshing.

- “Have you been sad recently?” I had to ask because as curious as I was about how her hair would look like after this sort of experiment, I was still concerned. She was this kind of person that does the weirdest things when she is feeling the lowest, but always with a smile on her face and laughing, making you believe she is so fine when she is not.

- “Do I look down?” Of course, she wouldn’t answer straight such question, and I know she was hating me for bringing that up, especially considering her countless efforts to hide it.

- “I know you better than that.” I said and her eyes lighted up. I still find it funny to see how much it moves her to the fact that I know her.

- “I had been dreaming about him lately...” She said without looking at me in the eyes, playing with her hair.

- “Well, thinking so much of him would only lead you to that.” I replied.

- “Some friends of mine have been telling me that he had gotten a girlfriend by now... and that it is silly of me to think otherwise.” She told me with teary eyes.

- “He has the right to, no?” I answered in, what I wished was, a nice tone.

- “Yes, but... he is mine.” She answered as usual and I smiled. I am sure she is the only person in the universe believing he is still hers.

- “What to do now?” I asked. I just wanted to know what will she come up with now.

- “December is around the corner.” She said and opened widely her eyes, I opened them back and move my head like saying “I had no idea of what you are talking about,” and she continued, “It will be six years since I first met him...” She said now while playing nervously with her hands and I knew something bad was coming. “I think, maybe, I could pay him a visit. I had been seeing some flights, I mean... I tried emailing him last month but he didn’t reply, therefore I may go to his house, just to check he’s doing well... Maybe I could say hi.” I was open-mouthed at this point.

- “Of course, because meeting him at his house is the most casual thing ever, especially considering you guys just live about 8.000 km apart currently. And because his family will be inviting you over to spend Christmas with them, right? Oh, do me a favor, why don’t you go to his father’s office and bring him some desserts? Wait, even better, call him in advance so that you get an appointment in his workplace, but that may ruin your idea of finding each other in a casual manner; though if you show up with some real case regarding your non-inheritance in that country or about your will, maybe he can be of help, no? Well, maybe you can go to the school his mother works in and say that you appeared there just to talk to the secretary, right? That’s so common, people showing at a school to meet with the secretary who had never seen you before.” Of course, by now she was already drowning in a sea of tears, I was already feeling terribly guilty, but I was still wishing for her to understand the reality as it is, and for her to understand that meeting him isn’t an option anymore, not since he had told her so many time she doesn’t want to see her. His rejection in person may kill her and I didn’t know how conscious of it she was.

- “I was just thinking! I never said I would do it! I know that is not casual! I know he doesn’t want to see me! I know he is not mine anymore! I know it is all pointless! I just wanted to see his face, at least, once in my life! Is that asking too much!?” She said in tears.

- “It is when people can’t afford it. Emotionally talking you and he can’t afford that, it is way above your budget. Why would you do that to you both? Even if you meet him, things will go nowhere because he doesn’t want to go on with you. And what if he has some company already? What if you find him with some girl that claims to be with him now? What will you do? How could you recover? But okay, let’s say things go well, in the most remote idea of things going that way; and let’s say you guys meet and he doesn’t call the police because he is absolutely done with you and he doesn’t press charges against you, let’s say you guys meet and he overcomes his anger, let’s say you guys go to that place where you ate those pizzas with your brother and eat them with him now, let’s say you guys talk and laugh, let’s say you even get to take a picture of him while he’s looking away or something, let’s say everything goes magically as I know you want them to go. What then? Is this Cinderella? Do you expect you both to go back to your normal lives after this? Are you supposed to leave the city the next day and pretend nothing happened, is he supposed to think this won’t happen again? What then? Don’t you see how messed-up and selfish this is? Don’t you see how hurtful this can be for him and how self-damaging it can be as well? Don’t you get a hold of how heartless you seemed?” I asked and I saw her shrink in front of my eyes. My heart broke. I received her in my arms while wondering when will this stop while wondering if she would ever be able to just let him go, and wondering if maybe... just maybe... the universe will ever play on her favor and give his touch of grace, changing everything in their favor so that they will ever have that happy-ending she never got.

Right - Addictions

Just wanted to say that I was absolutely right back in 2015 when I said he turned into some kind of drug for and I felt I could die without him because I needed him: https://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2015/08/tu-nombre-y-tu-apellido.html

And I am saying I was right because, some neuropsychoanalysts, wrote this:

“So, attachment is a primary form of addiction. Anyone who has fallen in love knows the truth of this statement. Being in love with someone is almost indistinguishable from being addicted to them. This, surely then, is the major biological endophenotype that is hijacked by substance abuse.” (p. 180)

“Addiction involves (1) a primary appetitive process called SEEKING, plus (2) a primary consummatory process called PLEASURE-LUST, which rewards the SEEKING activity and thereby allows learning to occur, plus (3) a primary social process called attachment, which is mediated by the PANIC-GRIEF system. Once an attachment is established, reunion with the object of attachment is the specific pleasure that the addict seeks.” (p. 182)

“Neuropsychoanalytic Notes on Addiction” by Mark Solms, Eleni Pantelis and Jaak Panksepp

Autumn Sonata

Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

I like to believe that I am a new me, a better version of myself, I like to believe that all the pain I have faced had only made me stronger and allowed me to feel proud of the person I am today. I have achieved so much and I couldn’t be more thankful with God for that. I am not in the place I wish to be today, nor with the person I wish to be, nor in the situation I wish to be, but sometimes we just wish what is less convenient for us, and who does stop himself to think about convenience when feelings are involved? Certainly, it takes a lot of discipline and determination to stay away from whatever it is you want the most but maybe isn’t the most recommendable for you.

I would have liked the process to be less painful, not to have gone through all the sorrow, the sleepless nights, the emptiness in the heart, the coldness of the days, the absence... the damned absence that hurts so badly, but I believe all those things I hate so much helped me to grow up the most and keep on helping me because they still hurt me. I believe humans have different seasons too... and I believe I was and still am stuck in autumn, I still miss him like if it was just yesterday that he left my life, but I keep on going because I just can’t stop. Do I miss other seasons? I guess I do, I believe he was spring in a person used to just winter and summer, I believe autumn is what he left behind because it is some kind of a middle point, but it allows me to keep on going. 

I find interesting how the most basic things in my life are the ones I am proud the most about having conquered. As hard as it is has been to live far away from my family, I believe I had finally been exposed to the real world and haven’t had any other alternatives left other than to face it, I don’t know if I would have ever been able to do it without this physical distance, because having them to cover my back all the time, having someone else to do things for me, having all secured and not having to worry for anything doesn’t allow you to grow up, what need do you have anyways? For the sake of what would you need to do it? How do you even do it? I guess I never “had to”, having my parents and brothers doing it all for me always allowed me to be so carefree at all times and today I can notice it. Sometimes I feel like an orphan, sometimes I feel unprotected, sometimes I feel alone, and as horrible as all these feelings can be, I believe they are part of life and part of “adulting,” have I succeeded in it? Probably not completely, but I am trying... I had been learning and now I can take care of myself. Things as simple as cooking for me, washing my own clothes, pick my own foods and clothes make me think I can handle life and I can do it on my own. Did I know this four years ago? Probably my optimistic self thought it was possible but was never fully conscious of all the effort it takes, therefore today I am proud for having gotten it, against all odds.

Am I a woman? This is a ridiculous question considering I was born with feminine sexual organs, but I am not referring to my sex, or am I? Am I a female even? I believe a part of me would never completely make peace with the fact that I was born a girl and not a boy, just because I still find the idea of being a boy so cool, but I also believe I had embraced my femininity and that’s a milestone, because I can recognize my own body and appreciate it, because I like my curves and I appreciate my skin, because I love my hair and I like wearing pink and black, I guess I like to be a girl and I accept to be a woman, maybe a few years ago I still wanted to be a baby; and even today, there are days where I don’t want to be an adult anymore, and I have this bunch of stuffy animals and I am still deeply fond of the idea of being a kitty, but at least now, I am a big kitty, if that makes any sense.

I am as obsessed with religion as I had always been and I love it, I love all the knowledge I had gathered with the years and I love my passion for pleasing my Creator, I am eternally thankful for this motor, because in this senseless world I found a reason in my Lord, because in all the insanity of the humanity, I still have hope in a happy ending thanks to God, because in all this darkness and all this insecurity, I am still under His Protection and I am all covered. Whether other people care or not for their relationship with their Creator, whether other people believe it is anything of their business my relationship with my Creator, that doesn’t matter. Because I am content with my own path and I keep praying to God to continue that same path for the rest of my life. With joy and with sorrow I must say that whether the people I want holding my hand is doing it or not, that’s another matter, because I am still giving it all up for my biggest reason to be, and my reason is God.

Am I smarter? I think I am less naive and I am more aware, aware of myself and of the rest, I am more connected to this world whether I like it or not because I am part of it... and because the rest of my beloved ones are as well; because I want to build a future for myself, because I want to go on in the best way possible and in order to do that I can’t continue disconnecting myself like a little baby girl that hides in her room when there is an outside noise. People will hurt me on the way, but I will always try to protect myself and be kind and respectful enough not to harm others, even if at times I won’t be able to control it. I apologize in advanced for anyone that may get hurt on the way. 

I am amazed at my levels of narcissism though, how I am able to talk non-stop about myself and I could definitely continue as there are so many things I need to tell me about myself, I am just a bit too tired and tomorrow I have to wake up early as everyday... therefore I will just go to sleep now and that will be all for tonight.

Strani Amori- Laura Pausini

Mi dispiace devo andare via
Ma sapevo che era una bugia
Quanto tempo perso dietro a lui
Che promette e poi non cambia mai

Strani amori
Mettono nei guai
Ma, in realtà, siamo noi
E lo aspetti ad un telefono
Litigando che sia libero
Con il cuore nello stomaco
Un gomitolo nell'angolo
Lì da sola, dentro un brivido
Ma perché lui non c'è

E sono
Strani amori che
Fanno crescere e sorridere
Fra le lacrime
Quante pagine lì da scrivere
Sogni e lividi da dividere
Sono amori che spesso a questa età
Si confondono dentro a quest'anima
Che si interroga senza decidere
Se è un amore che fa per noi

E quante notti perse a piangere
Rileggendo quelle lettere
Che non riesci più a buttare via
Dal labirinto della nostalgia
Grandi amori che finiscono
Ma perché restano nel cuore
Strani amori che
Vanno e vengono
Nei pensieri che li nascondono
Storie vere che ci appartengono
Ma si lasciano come noi
Strani amori, fragili
Prigionieri, liberi

Strani amori mettono nei guai
Ma in realtà, siamo noi
Strani amori, fragili
Prigionieri liberi
Strani amori che non sanno vivere
E si perdono dentro noi

Beating

Look what I found digging into some old files:

“You're mine, Madelaine. You're mine now. Your place will be more comfortable when you will be ready to be "naked" (emotionally) in front of me. And this relationship will be better too...”

But you don't believe this anymore... right? It's been so long after all. You know? Sometimes it feels it was just yesterday when we stopped talking, but then I feel the longing in my heart and I check the calendar and... it has been 4 years already. And it was precisely in September when you asked me to stop contacting you at all... I hope you are doing well without me. I won't lie about me wishing you to be with someone else, we both know my jealousy couldn't even allow such thought, we both know the only person I'd ever want to take care of you and place you in her arms is me and myself.

But why are you still so mad at me? It breaks my heart to know that just 8 months ago I reached out to you Again, and all you told me is that I ruined your day... If you'd let me I could change that, I am sure I can make you laugh! You used to laugh with my wisecracks, I may have changed since I grew up, but I am still me and I believe you are still you, with your same sense of humor and for sure you'll laugh, with me or of me, but you will laugh. Why don't you let me talk to you? Why had I been banished with such furor of your lands? Why can't I even take a peek with your permission? I had apologized so many times... but no matter what I say, you remain so impassive... sometimes I wonder if I truly was that bad to you to the extent of you not allowing to get close to you at all. Not even once had I wish bad for you, whenever I think of you, I just want to take care of you, protect you, heal you, hug you, I never imagine myself hitting you, nor anything like that, why do you push me away so badly? I miss you much... I miss you so much that it hurts even now.

And I know you think I am crazy by now, but in my heart, I am still yours... in my heart, we never broke up... in my heart, we had never broken up. When we “broke up,” you told me you wished to believe what I was saying was the truth but for sure it will change and I will stop loving you. When does that happen? I had asked so many people, even my psychoanalyst and no one, literally no one gives me a date. Even my new Italian psychoanalyst, even worse, he told me you are still very present in my days and you made a great impact in me which makes it very hard for me to get over you, like if I didn't know that. 

My eyes hurt... therefore I can't nor want to write anymore but... just one more memory:

Me: ^_^ dont waste time lookin or spendin time with other girls, at the end of the day you'll end up with your girlfriend, you have no choice she'll follow you everywhere :D 

You: And i'm not looking for other girls. Why should i do that? Are they somehow better than my girlfriend?

Why are we not together anymore then? Didn't you say they're not better than me? You know I am mad now, right? We started pointing out that I am yours, but I must also mention that you're mine too. Yes, whether you feel me or not, whether you love me or not, whether you miss me or not; whether you are in your best or your worst state; whatever it is and however it is, I take you and claim you mine. Just as you did when we first met, without asking for permission, colonizing my heart... claiming that I am your tool, your weapon, whatever it is but yours. Well, you're my heart. You were, you are and you will always be. I beat through you. Do you beat through me? I wonder...

This game of us

Let’s play this game, you stay there, under that tree, right in that door; I will stay here, in this seat, right in this school. 

And the distance will be our shield, I will protect you by protecting me and you will protect me by protecting yourself. 

I am sorry it couldn’t be another way, I am sorry we can’t work together, I am sorry it is so hard for us to be without damaging each other... I am sorry for you, I am sorry for me and I am sorry for us. And while I cry this sad fortune, I will pray every day for you wishing you good fortune and I will dream of us every night, those love stories with happy endings that we were not able to reach out. 

[Madelaine Bustamante. September 6, 2019]