Destroying me.

And then you left... it didn't matter how hard I tried to keep you, one day everything was nothing and the place fill with you was empty, there were just shadows and more shadows and more shadows and I started noticing there was no possible way of me living as I was doing anymore, I wasn't even sure about my existence anymore because you left and the air wasn't enough, the water wasn't enough, the food wasn't enough because if I used to get sick when we used to fight, I found myself dying since we don't talk. I should fix it, but how to fix something when you don't want to? how to help myself when I destroy myself with you? how to talk, how to explain when you just shut me up? how? how to be real friends when you just don't want me anymore? 

I try to go ahead and fix my life, I try to go on without you and get used but it just hurts, and I can't take anything from anyone without pain, and I just can't explain it because I laugh in pain, I enjoy in pain, I talk in pain because everything everything reminds me of you even when I wish it doesn't. I try to find new people and take it easy but I can't take anything because when I take I also give and when I give I keep on asking myself if it's okay, if it won't hurt this time and I don't want to get hurt again! and I don't want to trust again! and I don't want to keep on going! and I don't want anything! I don't want anything! I want to stay here, just here, in my bed, and tell to my pillow that everything is okay in the absence of everyone, in the absence of everything that I need nothing because if I need anything, you'll exist again and my life will be the mess of always but if I don't need anything, then I'll be fine in the empty of the nothing and everything will be fine because I won't need to feel nor think nor eat nor drink nor cry nor sleep, nothing. It'll be just me and the nothing... the peace of a world where everything is nothing... the peace that I need.

I can't even describe how it feels, I have good days, even good weeks, moments of my life where I think soon or late I'll delete of my mind those two years and more that I had by your side, then I find little things, details, simple details that tell me it won't happen even when I know it will! Because I know I'll be better as good as I know I am not right now, but right now is not forever and forever doesn't even exist... yet the pain, the pain now is so scorching that I can't even tell how it feels, because it's worse that a blood disease, it's like a soul disease and I try this and that to get better, to heal, to keep it cool, to come back to normality, but it is still there burning like virus, trying to end up with my soul and the little pieces of life I feel... it's unbearable.

And I wish I am able to start all over again, be myself and be okay, grow up and get better on my own, see life with good eyes and don't get  mad at all yet I can not, even trying cost me and people just don't know, I miss you and I don't know if I miss you or if I miss who we were when we first met because even if we come back to talk now would we be the same? I doubt it, but at the same time I know we would make it possible if we just want, but we don't, we can want yet we won't make it real because in the same way for it's over, it's for you & I don't blame you, I don't even blame myself anymore.

I just want to cut the memories, I'm begging to the air to stop throwing flashbacks to me because I'm getting blind, I'm destroying me, I'm literally destroying me and I wish it so bad that it scares me because I don't know what to do, I don't know how to stop me and convince me about it's okay, I tell myself over and over again it'll be okay but I keep on finding a way to kill me, slowly, pretty softly but I am not stopping me, because it's so cold here, it's so dark, it's a place that has been abandon and it doesn't matter how many sweaters I wear, how many lights I turn on, how many people I let come in, I keep on taking out the sweaters, turning off the lights, pushing people away, because nothing feels right and everything feels so wrong... and I walk in different ways but I always find myself all lost, I can find the guide and crawl to it for long yet at any moment I just stop because my knees hurt in the same way my hands do and my eyes can't help it anymore, they feel they can't take it anymore, my brain is so obvious  now, the headaches come daily now, the nightmares have gone when I sleep yet they appear when I'm awake and close my eyes if I just do it while any flashback is on... It's a state of madness even me can't hold...