Dove sei adesso?

First Scene

- I am letting you know this with huge pain, and with so much sadness... your grandmother, my beloved mother, passed away. My father said and I frankly could not believe it... my stolen heart got broken because I knew his heart was broken and his pain was my pain and his sorrow was my sorrow...

- Stay strong, daddy. You are not alone, you have your children with you, we love you. It was all I could write and I felt like an ungrateful daughter because I was not right by his side to provide him with care and attention, especially in a crucial moment like this. But at the same time, I had my responsibilities, and sad as it sounds I couldn't go there just to hug him even if my soul left a long time ago to do it.

And this may sound absurd but I felt your absence so clearly... I wish I could reach out to you so that you could give me a hug, breaking the distance, I felt I needed you more than ever and I wonder who was there for you when you were going through harder times than usual. To be honest, as you know well, I am never truly alone, there's always someone reaching out his or her hand and letting me know it's going to be alright, but even now... I keep on looking around to see if I can find that one hand that committed with me to never leave me... 

You know I've forgiven you many things, many mistreatments, and hard words, but I just can't seem to succeed in forgiving you about this particular promise. It was hard to get you promising such a thing and I, foolishly, believed you weren't going to leave since you've promised it... I was afraid, yes, but that promise made me feel a bit safe. It is hard to look around and see the man that took my heart with him wasn't by my side anymore, you've stolen my heart and I am sure about it because even in moments like this, I can only miss you more. I guess I will never get over the fact of you leaving me, even after claiming over and over again that you wouldn't, because in the end, I was seriously thinking you were not going to.

Second Scene

I woke up unsettled, I was having a terrible dream with tons of bad emotions: my grandmother passed away, my dad was all broken and I was falling apart because you were not there with me, I don't know what was the worse part of the dream but my immediate reaction when I saw you lay down next to me was to hug you, even risking to wake you up, I couldn't hold it in.

- Cutie, are you okay? You said waking up and I turned on the lamp next to me and I saw your face. I couldn't stop crying... how could you have such a beautiful face? You were gorgeous to me and I know even if you were having the worse day ever, your face would still have remained as the epitome of beauty for me. I held your face in my hands and kissed it all over, I caressed your hair and I calmed my heart by reminding him you were mine, you were still mine and that wasn't going to change. Then I curled up in your arms and sighed, how good life felt as long as I could feel so good at home.

Third Scene

I woke up in tears, I was having a dream... you and I were together, but I was also having a bad dream inside my dream about us not being together. I guess my dreams aren't much of a dream but most of reality. I am so tired right now... and all I can think about is that you owe me one hug, that last hug I asked you for and you refused to give me because you didn't want to give me one "last" hug, I wish you can pay that debt right now, but I am sure about if I ask for it you'll only deny your debt by not acknowledge it and keep on calling me names only for being the way I am towards you. 

Do you know? You did your part in all this, didn't I warn you about my personality before letting you come into my life? Didn't I say it was hard to get rid of me? Didn't I say it was difficult for me to let go? Didn't I say I don't actually know how to let go? But wait, I think the most important questions are: Weren't you the one saying you'll never go and I should not worry about it? Weren't you the one asking me to trust you since you wouldn't hurt me? Weren't you the one wanting to grow old by my side? I might have done my mistakes, I am surely not perfect and my willpower isn't the strongest I've ever seen in a person, but I meant what I said. Unlike what you continue repeating about me "talking big", I dare to say I talk with my heart most of the time and even if my actions many times don't match, my heart remains the same even when broken... maybe my brain gets in charge when there's too much to bear with so that my heart goes second, but my heart is still the same. I don't remember a single time thinking I am in love with another man than you, truly imagining a future with another man than you, trying so hard to fit someone as I did with you, bearing with so many emotions even if they were bad as I did with you. See? I just don't see myself ever having loved someone else but you, indeed love was not enough, I had to do more but in my defense, I was still trying and as long as I was trying I was on my way and you putting yourself out of my life is just a violation of the law for me and towards me, what to do now? Should I detain you for the unfulfillment of your contract? It is funny to think you'd only say I am crazy and get mad at me as usual, but if we look at my speech then the logic and my clear mind leads to a valid argument and gets a point. Still, I know well enough that you'd know how to fight it back, and no matter what I say you'll always be right and I'll always be wrong. But then again, where are you now? The man who said no one else will ever own me since you'll make me your wife. 

I am sharing this one since I can't find the one where you promised not to ever leave and I can't keep on searching because I've cried much enough for today.