Peace and turbulence.

They were walking while holding hands and she was sincerely happy by his side... How could it be so enjoyable just giving a walk? She has done it many times before, but it has never felt this good... Well, gotta admit that nothing was as enjoyable as being by his side, so no matter what they were doing she was obviously going to be happy... unless it was a discussion, now that kind of things aren't enjoyable yet part of a healthy relationship.

He was her sun in a dark day, her warmness in a cold place, her security in a dangerous site, he was her smile during tears, he was her gift in a world filled with tests. She couldn't nor wanted to imagine herself without him. Deep in her heart, no matter how hard it seemed to be, she was going to get it, she was going to love him as well as possible, she was going to stay with him forever, she was going to marry him and have a family with him, she was going to grow old with him, she was going to do an endless list of things...all of them With Him & at the end of the day that was the only thing she really cared about.

She couldn't understand how he could appear so beautiful in her eyes, to her heart, to her soul... how could she find in him the kind of refuge she never wants to leave, not even when it seems to be in danger of collapse thanks to her inappropriate cares. He was the person she didn't want to ever lose, the person she was ready to give it all for, he was the one and only for her because it was obvious they were done for each other. Thank God for such a person in her life.

They were in harmony while they were together, everything seemed to be in its place as long as they could connect each other properly, putting aside their fears and insecurities remembering they came to be one being only once they decided to unite their ways, because it wasn't him only anymore not her only anymore, it was "THEY" always "they"... Because the world didn't seem so hard nor so bad as long as they have each other to support and hold in the good times and bad times. Because they find the peace and turbulence of their souls in each other... they were meant to be & no one could have done something as perfect as them as a couple as God, their Creator.

"Good women are for good men and good men for good women"

(Qur'an 24:26)

One for each other

She was walking backwards before him like an abnormal while he was walking like a normal guy. Yeah, it was always like that, she was the crazier one there, he surely used to have his "moments" but he was the sane one in the relationship, though she wasn't that sure since he was with her.

- Be careful. He said while laughing and looking at her.

- I'm being careful, be sure that I'm getting the best shoots ever. She said smiling openly and he laughed. 

She was certainly crazy for him and she walked like that all the way from the store to his house just to take some pictures of him since the day was pretty clear and Her sun was shining more than ever. 

Once she was about to fall for not being careful enough but being saved on time thanks to his warning, he asked her kindly to stop walking like that since it was a bit dangerous getting a bit serious about his request, she did a funny-sad face like begging him not to punish her and he couldn't tell her "no", how could he? When she was that cute.  

- Okay, okay, you win, I can't say "no" if you act like that. He said smiling again.

- I swear the world will be thankful to me for the job I'm doing at the moment, if someone ever gets to see the artwork God has done with you through these pictures, I'll be beloved all around the world to share just the image of my sun. She said and he laughed hard. 

- How can you be so beautiful? He asked.

- I asked myself the same every single day. She answered bragging about herself and they both laughed at the same time. Just kidding, just kidding. She rectified. 

- Nope, you've already answered. He said smiling openly feeling like a winner.

- No, no, I did mean what I said but not in the way I know you got it. I Do ask myself the same every single day but about you, how can you be this beautiful, my love? She asked seriously now.

- Because I'm your prince. He said this time with a proud face to make her laugh and she laughed hard and loud.

- Yes, you are! She said and forgot about her camera for a second just to go towards him and give him a big hug. Whispering in his heart how much she loves him & he just hugs her back really tight. 

And after a few seconds she said:

- If. 

- Uf? He said surprised while getting a bit apart from her, much enough to see her face but not letting her go yet.

- It's a pity! She said with a silly and funnily mad face.

- What? He wanted to know.

- No one is here to take a picture of us! She demanded smiling now and he laughed again.

- So, will you feel comfortable, like this, while someone else looking at us? He asked and she got blushed and hugged him tight again so he won't be able to see her red face.

- You know what? It's more than perfect like this. She said smiling really pleased and he laughed one more time while feeling like a real winner this time. 

She was his, all his... and that knowledge used to make them both happy; because it was him, him for her & it was her, her for him. One for each other, they were the missing piece that fits perfectly in each other puzzle, perfect for each other even though all their differences; after all, they had one thing in common, a really important thing: They wanted to be together, holding their hands all the way along and that was what kept them together & the huge mercy of God letting their lives cross each other. 

She couldn't be happier while being by his side, cause she was already the happiest & he couldn't stop smiling with her because she was already his piece of peace to keep on going. That's how marvellous and incredible life can be... That's how marvellous and incredible life was for them both while being together.

The miracle of his precious presence.

She almost fell while running that fast... She wasn't running fast in fact, but she was running as fast as she could due to her no-sport skills. She was way too excited to focus on the way and that small sidewalk was almost unpredictable, yet she got it. Yes, she arrived on time. 

- Here! She said excited and super tired while stretching out a box to him. And he just looked at her while smiling.

There it was... all that she needed to be happy, more than the "thanks" he would give her, that smile of his was way much more than thanks, more than anything... Because that smile of his to her was all that she wanted to feel she was giving back, at least, a little bit of what she always gets from him. 

- Thanks. He said still smiling while looking at his gift.

- You're welcome. She said while smiling at him yet, looking straight at him, getting herself lost in the beauty of his deep eyes, his calm expression, and that lovely smile of his.

They started walking in silence and she was thinking about what else could she ask for? All the time they've spent together... having him around was even better than a place full of candies and rainbows. She couldn't tell how good was her to him, no matter how many times he'd told her she makes him good; yet she could tell, clearly, how good he was for her; how when she was drowning he was air, when she was falling down he was a hand, when she was in tears he was a sweet and sincere word, when she was rain he was a rainbow when she had no hope he was a miracle, she knew how in a world filled with hatred and rudeness he was love and kindness, yet that wasn't enough to explain how incredible his presence was in her life.

She closed her eyes for a minute giving thanks to God for having the joy of meeting him, for having that awesome creature in her life, for having been that blessed, no, no, more than blessed! She just gave thanks for the miracle of his precious presence... for had been saved for the cutest being on Earth and God giving her such honor.

Even when things weren't perfect and his life was a bit messy at the very moment, she couldn't complain... not even once! Because he was a perfect reason for her to smile always. That's how amazing he was for her, how beautiful he appears in her eyes... and how deep her love towards him was.

Now, she just wanted to have a little more of his light while he smiles, more specifically while he smiles cause of her... saying inside of herself "At least this, at least this I can do for you, sweet pearl of mine".

In your lonely mind.

- Are you alright? She asked her.

- I'm doing well... She answered while coughing.

And she was just there, watching throught the window, with a bunch of questions without answers. Because she knew in advance it wasn't fine, yet she wanted to keep on believing so.

- Ain't you in pain today?

- No.

- It's good to know that you're finally feeling better.

- I wasn't that bad anyways.

- A week at home & a whole day at bed only?

- Those are normal things in me. She said & moved fast to the other room.

It was not that she didn't know, I repeat, she knew it; but, for a little while you can think as you please & not necessarily the way it actually is.

She was just done with her thoughts & she couldn't deny it; her feelings wanted to take control of her & do anything she pleases, make it easy on herself...

Yet, she knew what the true was... people couldn't say she didn't know just because she decided to avoid the topic; so she closed her eyes, and in a matter of seconds thousands of images appeared up and she could see everything she wanted becoming part of reality...

She cried that day, she laugh as well & cried, laughed & cried, laughed & cried. She cried because she knew it was a lie that would end up killing her any soon... & she laughed cause no one, ever, could take away from her that imagination, no one could, ever, take away from her the pleasure of doing anything she pleases, at least in her lonely mind.

- Didn't you say it was fine? Why are you crying now then?

- I'm in pain.

- Why do you laugh, anyways?

- Because as much as it hurts, as much as it makes me happy. The happiest.

- You must be sick.

- Maybe... but believe it or not, I'm enjoying it... Because even when later it may turn into a source of pain only; at this very moment is the main source of happiness I've ever gotten.

"Indeed Allah is the knower of all that is in the hearts" 

[3:154] ♥

Date of written: Tuesday, February 04th 2014

Courage.

- Are you okay? She said while helping him to stand up.

- I am fine. He answered undoing himself from her hands.

And walked on his own even when the doctor recommended him not to do effort while he’s recovering, but that was just how stubborn he was. She remained looking at him, asking herself: When will he allow her to hold him? When will he trusts her? She couldn’t even understand how she could wrong him so much for him to have that attitude towards her.

     - I am not mad at you. He said before she said anything.

     - I haven’t said anything. She said pretty softly.

    - Yes, but you are probably thinking about it since I didn’t let you help me. I want to do it on my own. I can. He said firmly.

    - I haven’t said you can’t yet it’s better if you don’t for now. She told him. But she thought many things she could never tell him, things that wouldn’t mind how many times she’ll say he wouldn’t take, because he was he and he couldn’t.

Because you can go around life dreaming and making yourself illusions of what you want, yet it doesn’t mean you can get it all; because, certainly, the most precious things are the hardest one to get… You can’t get them in an easy or a fast way.  Reality is not like fantasy.

     - Will you come back home tonight? He wanted to know.

     - If that’s what you want. She said while looking at the floor then he stopped walking and looks at her directly in the eyes.

     - Are you or not? He asked strongly.

    - I… I… I will. She said against her own wish, because even when she wanted to stay at his place nursing him she knew he wouldn’t allow her even when deep inside he would like it.

    - Okay, let’s go to the park for the rest of the afternoon and then I’ll walk you until the train station for you to leave. He said.

    - Okay. She answered.

They went to the park and saw the animals there. They stopped for long times to watch the lake in front of them and it was not even because of his inability, even when he was recovering he was as active as usual, it was her; it was cause of her the constants stops they had to do. She wished she could get some more time, some more time of his presence, it was maybe not much what she could get yet it was enough, it was enough for her as long as he was there and they were breathing the same air, under the same sky, in the same place… which used to be a certain miracle before.

They didn’t talk at all; she didn’t even try destroying the beauty of the silence since what she was going to say wouldn’t be as good as the silence itself…

Once night arrived he did as he said walking her to the train station and she left leaving him behind, looking at him and fearing deep inside for the distance, wanting to close it, wanting to delete those imaginary spaces between them both, trying to reach his soul, trying to help him, trying to save herself from the sadness of a new goodbye. But calming down with the single fact of seeing him one more time soon, cause no matter what they'll always have each other she thought.

But she was just daydreaming as usual and the silence was still better than anything she’ll allow herself to say, the silence was still better than anything he could say to distract her; because they both knew what they were thinking in, they just couldn’t say it aloud, they couldn’t speak it out, but why? Why? Because some things are better unspoken… because the fear the words bring is stronger and bigger than the little courage some words hide.

Destroying me.

And then you left... it didn't matter how hard I tried to keep you, one day everything was nothing and the place fill with you was empty, there were just shadows and more shadows and more shadows and I started noticing there was no possible way of me living as I was doing anymore, I wasn't even sure about my existence anymore because you left and the air wasn't enough, the water wasn't enough, the food wasn't enough because if I used to get sick when we used to fight, I found myself dying since we don't talk. I should fix it, but how to fix something when you don't want to? how to help myself when I destroy myself with you? how to talk, how to explain when you just shut me up? how? how to be real friends when you just don't want me anymore? 

I try to go ahead and fix my life, I try to go on without you and get used but it just hurts, and I can't take anything from anyone without pain, and I just can't explain it because I laugh in pain, I enjoy in pain, I talk in pain because everything everything reminds me of you even when I wish it doesn't. I try to find new people and take it easy but I can't take anything because when I take I also give and when I give I keep on asking myself if it's okay, if it won't hurt this time and I don't want to get hurt again! and I don't want to trust again! and I don't want to keep on going! and I don't want anything! I don't want anything! I want to stay here, just here, in my bed, and tell to my pillow that everything is okay in the absence of everyone, in the absence of everything that I need nothing because if I need anything, you'll exist again and my life will be the mess of always but if I don't need anything, then I'll be fine in the empty of the nothing and everything will be fine because I won't need to feel nor think nor eat nor drink nor cry nor sleep, nothing. It'll be just me and the nothing... the peace of a world where everything is nothing... the peace that I need.

I can't even describe how it feels, I have good days, even good weeks, moments of my life where I think soon or late I'll delete of my mind those two years and more that I had by your side, then I find little things, details, simple details that tell me it won't happen even when I know it will! Because I know I'll be better as good as I know I am not right now, but right now is not forever and forever doesn't even exist... yet the pain, the pain now is so scorching that I can't even tell how it feels, because it's worse that a blood disease, it's like a soul disease and I try this and that to get better, to heal, to keep it cool, to come back to normality, but it is still there burning like virus, trying to end up with my soul and the little pieces of life I feel... it's unbearable.

And I wish I am able to start all over again, be myself and be okay, grow up and get better on my own, see life with good eyes and don't get  mad at all yet I can not, even trying cost me and people just don't know, I miss you and I don't know if I miss you or if I miss who we were when we first met because even if we come back to talk now would we be the same? I doubt it, but at the same time I know we would make it possible if we just want, but we don't, we can want yet we won't make it real because in the same way for it's over, it's for you & I don't blame you, I don't even blame myself anymore.

I just want to cut the memories, I'm begging to the air to stop throwing flashbacks to me because I'm getting blind, I'm destroying me, I'm literally destroying me and I wish it so bad that it scares me because I don't know what to do, I don't know how to stop me and convince me about it's okay, I tell myself over and over again it'll be okay but I keep on finding a way to kill me, slowly, pretty softly but I am not stopping me, because it's so cold here, it's so dark, it's a place that has been abandon and it doesn't matter how many sweaters I wear, how many lights I turn on, how many people I let come in, I keep on taking out the sweaters, turning off the lights, pushing people away, because nothing feels right and everything feels so wrong... and I walk in different ways but I always find myself all lost, I can find the guide and crawl to it for long yet at any moment I just stop because my knees hurt in the same way my hands do and my eyes can't help it anymore, they feel they can't take it anymore, my brain is so obvious  now, the headaches come daily now, the nightmares have gone when I sleep yet they appear when I'm awake and close my eyes if I just do it while any flashback is on... It's a state of madness even me can't hold... 

The taste of my life.

"Take this" She asked to her friend shaking the flowers on her hands and pointing out a small jar with some light red liquid.

- What is this? Manon asked.

- Just drink up. Maud replied so she drank it.

- How was it? She asked with open eyes really surprised.

- It was kind of sweet... just a little bit though.

- Geez! How can it be? Maud asked and made a cut in Manon's arm.

- Ouch! Manon screamed while Maud hold her hurt arm and licked it.

- What the...? Manon said and removed her arm from Maud's hands.

- It taste to iron! To iron and a bit salt! Maud cried.

- So what!? Have you lost your mind? Manon asked angrily.

- I am not... But Maud aren't you a sad soul? 

- What? Manon asked again.

- A sad soul!?

- What's a sad soul for you Maud? She wanted to know. But Maud stayed in silence for a while so Manon gave up and started walking away.

- When you can smile and jump and scream and be happy outwardly and apparently but inside it hurts, inside it's never okay and ever when it's okay there's a bad taste like if it's not completely fine and it'll never be! Maud screamed anxious with a preocupied face so Manon came back to her and looked at Maud seriously and more calm.

- I am. Manon answered.

- Then why does your blood taste different than mine!? Maud said annoyed.

- Because I am not sick in my body but in my soul only! I am simply big mess! But you're a huge one! A complete one! Manon said in her face and Maud laughed.

- Right, you're so right! This soul would be taken faster than yours, unlucky you. Maud saying happily and Manon laughed.

- We must be insane.

- We are. Maud said with a sad smile while a tear rolled her face, and Maud did nothing nor said nothing but laughed over the good/bad sense of her friend.

- Anyways Maud, why do you say "are" instead of "have"?

- Why? Well because you don't have a sad soul, you are a sad soul... without your soul you don't exist... you need body and soul to be a human and since we're humans we're bodies, we're souls... But you know, you and I, we're sad souls. No one can break us, we're already broken. Maud said and shot a wink smiling pleased, and Maud closed her eyes for a little.

- We should go and pray instead talking about these things. Manon finally said with a serious face.

- Let's go then. Maud replied.

"The Life of this world is nothing... But An illusion." 

[Qur'an Al-Hadeed 57:20]