Save yourself. (I can not save me)

- Run, Marcus, run! Don't come any close, please. She begged while crying and putting a hand in front of her, stopping nothing but the air. Run, Marcus! Don't come to me any close, it's already too late, they're going to catch you. Run, Marcus! She said while falling down in the grass.

- Victoria, what are you talking about? He tried walking slowly towards her, he knew her state of mind was not the best and he should be careful not to scare her even more.

- Marcus, please, run! She screamed even harder and he hugged her from behind. 

- Here, I am, Victoria. Don't worry. He said trying to calm her and she stood up immediately.

- I told you to run... She started hitting, with her closed fist, the air. Marcus, you can't battle them. I'm going to do it on my own, you run, run away! Save yourself! She said screamed exhausted.

He couldn't understand what exactly was going on, she giving punches in the air, she asking him to save himself, she fighting. For a minute he believed moving was a good option but as soon as he stopped hugging her and walked some steps away without stop looking at her, he saw her falling down on her knees at the beginning but then laying down and putting herself in a fetal position, in pain, in extreme pain.

He came back and hugged her again and she stretched out and stood up again even through the pain and started hitting the air.

- Oh, Marcus! I begged you to leave! Can you see I can't stop if you're not safe? Marcus, I need you to go home and stay there safely! I left it to have a fight with them and for no one to be able to touch you. Marcus, please, leave me alone! I don't want to hurt you.

- Would you hurt me? He said trying to make her notice the nonsense of her own speech.

- No... I meant, I meant them. They'll hurt you and I don't want them to hurt you. Please, keep yourself safe. She begged while crying, sweating, in pain and really tired for the tone of her voice. He stood next to her and started hitting in the same direction she was doing it. What are you doing?

- I am helping you to fight. He said not knowing what he was doing.

- Marcus, there's no one there! She said horrified.

- Neither in front of... He was more confused than before.

- Marcus, you not seeing them nor being able to fight them doesn't mean they're not there! She said prey of panic due to his folly. Without knowing what to do he came back behind her and hugged her from the back.

- This is my only safe place then. You said you won't let them hurt me. I am going to trust you and keep myself right behind you. I couldn't let you fight all alone, but excuse me if I can't see who or what I have to fight with which limits me and doesn't let me help you. But, at least, being right next to you would help you not to give up because you are not allow to give up, Victoria. You're mine and you can not go with them.

She fainted; and, that was the only way to calm herself down to be with him, and he finally got to hold her in his arms, he carried her to take her back home, he passed by the bridge leaving behind that dark forest where she was so used to drive into and brought her to the light, where she wasn't afraid and where she could laugh and see, at least a bit better than in the other side. 

She was his and he was not allowing no one nor anything to keep her away from him, not even her own insanity, because even that was his.

Because you...

Those eyes of him were her deepest ruin, where she could find the sweetest salvation; that's how confusing but beautiful he was for her. She wasn't able to imagine a world without him... not after meeting him, not after get to know him, not after being able to see the beauty of his soul, she was way to captivate for him like to just let him go.

"I couldn't explain how you were light when I was in darkness but you were the deepest darkness ever where I was finding light."

She was putting down all her walls, she was building up new ones with his instructions, she find herself letting too many windows and she was asking herself if that was the right to do, yet the smile on his face would have made her build walls until the sky if it was necessary as long as he could keep on smiling. 

"I'll rather to die loving you even if it makes me the worst because loving you makes me feel the best and to live without loving you would mean to die slowly in the worst situation possible. Because you're life and I'm always dying."

Forgiveness, that was all she wanted, from who? from God, from him, from herself... give some peace to her soul, her soul that lately could only get calm in the silence of his conversations with her, because it was him and him only who could get to hush the voices that may tell her how to die and why to. He was the only one there to shake her whole body with a look and make her understand it's okay to be human, he was going to be there to hold her and she wanted to be strong for him.

My piece of heaven

But how can I ever stop holding your hand?

Yes, your hand… your perfect hands

You’re, indeed, the partner of my whole life

“What's meant to be, will be” people say

And people say many things that are not

But that in particular: IS;

And I am so happy it is…

No one could be happier than me about it.

I am a disaster, a complete mess

Someone that breaks down with the wind

A simple being as weak as a whispered line

Still here you are picking me like the one

Making me feel the most special

And getting me lost in your eyes…

How dare you to come to me like that?

Acting like a human when you’re more than that.

But how could I deserve you?

Deserve you when I am always falling apart

You, amazing being that have caught my heart

Maybe I have truly lost my mind

Maybe it’s in my head that I built you up

But how could I even imagine such majesty?

Indeed the Lord Himself, with you, got inspired

Don’t you agree? You should, dear love of my soul.

Have you ever thought about that?

About the feeling that gives me to have you around

You're a piece of heaven, I swear with my heart

The piece of heaven that brought me back to life

Don’t you remember me gloomy and dull?

It was your presence that didn’t let me die

Who but you, between the creations, could ever get that?

No one but you, my love, no one.

Everything and nothing

And if one day the turbulence slip us away,

If my weakness and your strength conspire,

If your day and my night disarrange;

And my pride can more than your pain,

I want you know that, in my chest

In my chest and in the hidden of my soul

I'll cry your lost and I'll suffer your oblivion

And even through my coldness our love will remain alive.

Don't believe always in this mouth that says so many things

Believe in my eyes, in my eyes that are more yours than mine 

My eyes deep and sincere

My eyes happy, ashamed, sad,

Anyways, these eyes of mine so yours. 

And be sure about, oh only love of mine! 

That it has been heavier my conscience...

My conscience and its chains, my prejudices and my dilemmas

Than your honesty and the little that you used to offer me,

And I say little because you used to say it

Not cause I felt it like that

Because you were giving me everything having nothing

Because in you I have everything and I have nothing.

DATE: October 28th 2014

BY: Madelaine Bustamante

What (Second Part)

First Part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2013/12/what.html

Two months later, before the wedding, Arvad came back... after three years without seeing each other he just appeared again knocking her door like if nothing has happened, like if nothing has changed.

- Hey girl. He said with a half smile when she opened the door, he was holding something in her arms...

- Hi. She said surprised and he hand her a bunch of flowers and she didn't know what to do but hold them.

- I hope you may like them, since I couldn't remember what's your favorite type I just brought the colors you like the most in flowers: white, pink and yellow. 

Was he really talking to her so lightly? Did he really remember her favorite colors? What was he doing in front of her door? There were millions and millions of questions inside of her but she couldn't stop looking at the bunch of flowers knowing he was there... right there after so long.

- Won't you invite me to come in? I guess you're mad at me but you said I'll always be welcome whenever I need you... You should invite me to come in. And she laughed cause of his arrogance, cause of his security, cause he knew how important he was even if she tried to take off of him that importance she once gave him.

- Please, come in. She said moving aside so that he could come in.

- Thank you. He said while smiling. So, how hav you been? Dang, I missed you. He said and hugged her and she couldn't believe how he was so bold as usual, how he didn't change a tiny bit and how she changed so bad, she could have hugged him back years ago but not now. You're as cold as usual when you're mad at me.

- I am not mad at you. She said coldly.

- Aren't you? He asked with one eyebrown up.

- Shut up, Ar. She said and he laughed hard since she would never said such a thing on his face years ago.

- Shut me up again. He asked while getting close to her and she move aside annoyed by his proximity.

- SHUT UP, ARVAD. He laughed even harder this time and sit down in a chair next to her.

- What a character. Since when are you like this? Three years isn't that much to turn you into this? Were you pretending with me all the time? He asked daring.

- I am mad at you. She said giving him a bad look.

- I know. That's why I'm forgiving your attitude. I'm here to fix us, later you'll run behind me to fix what you're doing right now.

- I won't. I am not doing anything. 

- You are. Shouldn't you be happy and welcome your dear friend that haven't met you for so long? Shouldn't you be smiling for him while handing him some cookies and tea? You know you'll be doing so in normal circumstances.

- Is this not a normal one?

- Aren't you engaged? He asked with slyness, getting her in a state of shock. How did he know she was engaged? For how long has he been in the city? Why is he coming to visit her just now then?

- When did you come? She asked with curiosity.

- Two hours ago. He said calmly.

- What? She was even more surprised.

- I am sorry I didn't come two hours ago but I had to take a shower and so on before coming, I know you dislike me looking sick so I came here in a decent way. He said and her face got a bit worried. Don't worry I am not sick, I was just looking sick cause of the long trip.

- I wasn't worried. She said looking to other side.

- I am about to send you to the hell and that wasn't what I wanted to do today. He said annoyed.

- You've done it before, you can do it now, no one's stopping you. She said with a heavy heart. You're also free to leave and please remember you aren't exactly welcome here. And yes, I'm engaged. Happily engaged with someone who isn't my fiancee only but also my only best friend. She said harshly while walking to the door and opening it.

- Darn it, you're horrible when you want to. See you later then. He said acting like if he doesn't care while taking out a shinning stuff from his pocket and putting it on the table. That's for you. He said while leaving the room but before passing the door he took out something else from his pocket. Here you have, a chocolate for the angry kid. He said while laughing and left.

Daddy knows

So daddy saw me laying on bed & I don't know how he got to understand I am dying... I really don't know, because I love beds so it's hard to figure out when I am sad or just tired.

Honey, wash the dishes. He says while sit down on the couch.

I already did. While laying face down on bed.

What hurts you? He asked and I wanted to say “My heart hurts, dad. I have a terrible heartache I am trying to live with, since I gave my heart to a sweet human that I can't always have around” But I couldn't... How could I tell my dad his baby girl was having a broken heart?

Nothing hurts.

But my head hurts, can you give me a pill?

Sure.

So I went to the kitchen and get the pill for headaches we use to take, put some water in a glass and gave it all to him, he took it. Then I hugged him & kissed him saying him how much I love him & he caressed my arm & said he loves me back & he said I am his baby girl & I felt so much like crying... 

Minutes ago I was thinking about calling granny and telling her how much it hurts & how deep is the wound but I didn't dare to do it, at the end I knew she'd console me but also give me that one advice I hate getting from anyone, so I held in.

It's weird how daddy woke up to tell me what he did, it's strange how he can always tell when I am dying, without saying the clear reason, he always get to say some phrase or some gesture that would make me feel beloved & warm even through all my hatred and coldness. 

I couldn't ever get to thank my daddy enough for being the best dad of the whole world.

Save me...

- You're destroying me! She got to yell at him.

- Me? Destroying you? He looked at her with a crazy look, asking himself what in the world was wrong with her this time.

- Yes. You're killing me alive! She screamed again, filled with anger and sorrow.

- How can I kill a dead body? He said annoyed, done with all her nonsenses. And her tears started falling.

- Are you saying I'm already dead? She asked calmly and seriously.

- You've been killing yourself since forever! I have never wronged you. I have never done anything to hurt you, Samara! He said frustrated.

- Sure, it has always been me. It has always been me. I'm sorry for what I said. She recognized and it hurt her even deeper than believing it was him.

- But why are you so sad? What's so wrong now? Didn't we say we'll make it work? Why are you crying now? He asked worried and with a huge weight on his heart.

- Nothing. Nothing. She said drowning by herself in her confusion and all her pain coming from nowhere.

- I can't help you if you don't allow me. He said trying to calm himself down, trying to offer her a way out.

- I don't need to be helped. She said with a thread of voice.

- You need to! He said getting frustrated again.

- No, I don't. She said cleaning her tears out. It's you who wants me to, but I'm done. I quit trying. She said determined. And he felt how the peace of his soul broke down in a way that will never ever be restore. 

It was true that it was him, him since the very beginning trying to pull her out of that coming ending where she put herself due to her insanity. It was him trying to hold her dead soul and bringing it back to life. It was him, who risking his own sanity, may swim over and over again even without any strength over that sea of broken souls and she was just so far from the seashore and each time farther. And he was just as tired as her and even more. He clearly could do nothing else for her but she didn't seem to acknowledge or, in any case, she didn't seem to care. 

When he woke up from his thoughts she had already left the place, he tried following her but she was nowhere to be found. His head was running out of ideas about how to keep her alive, how to save her... Save her? Was he able to save her when he couldn't even help himself? He asked himself.

Then a memory popped up, three years back from then: 

- Liar. She said while smiling playfully.

- No, no, I mean it! I just read your hand. He said smiling and trying to convince her.

- That can't be. How can you know so in advance? She continued smiling curiously.

- I'm telling you, because I just read your hand. I've studied astrology. He said, followed by a little laugh.

- I can't believe it. She insisted. When? She was totally surprised by now.

- During those vacations when you went to your aunt's. He said serious now.

- Oh! Come on! I went there for like a month only! And we used to talk everyday and you never mentioned that and I pretty much remember all the things you used to do then and it has nothing to do with astrology. You didn't even use to believe in it! She said.

- I did since I watched the Hunchback of Notre Dame. He said laughing, making her laugh as well.

- Oh Anthony! You're so mean! She said laughing hard.

- I'm serious! Also, I believe since I met you. He said looking at her sweetly.

- After meeting me? She asked kind of flattered and really surprised cause of the turn around of the conversation.

- Haven't you said I save you? He asked.

- Somehow. She said with a little smile.

- Well, Venus helped me. He said bursting out of laugh cause he could not contain himself anymore cause of the full attention she was giving him over all that nonsense.

- Oh you, bad guy! She said while hitting him softly until he held her in a warm hug.

He could not remember that without crying, remember those good times of them where they could share laughs and hugs and good times for the single fact of being next to each other. This last one year was truly a chaos due to their jobs, they'll barely meet each other and somehow she seemed to appear more and more gloomy while he was more and more moody and that was bringing them to live a constant war between them both and it was breaking them.

Suddenly, after half an hour trying to figure out where she was, he thought about the lake; that lake they used to frequent when everything started and how she could've gone there.

- Samy, Samy are you here? He asked while moving the branch on his face and trying to get a bit of light with the moon, thinking about she couldn't be in a place so dark like that without being scared to dead unless she brought her mobile phone and she was always with it, he thought. Then he saw a kind of a bulge on the land and could not believe it. Samara is that you there down? He asked worried now and got closed to her.

- Save me... She muttered while crying and looking at the lake.

- Oh, honey. He said while holding her in his arms and trying to give her some warmness, she was completely cold and she seemed out of her mind for real. How? Just how? Tell me what to do it. He said filled with deep pain thinking about if he would've been a little bit more late he could've lost her, thinking about how fragile their existence were, thinking about he didn't really know what to do without her but sadly he didn't know what to do with her neither, he may love her madly but he didn't know at all how to save her.

She didn't say anything else and put herself around him as well and her chin over his shoulder, she gradually stopped crying and kissed his cheek softly. Right, he thought, that was the only tool he had to save her, the only thing he could always offer her, the only thing she'll always want: his love. He hugged her even more tigh while saying:

- Let's go home now, sweetheart. I think the prediction I made about your hand years ago is coming true by tomorrow, I've decided it. He said while feeling things were starting to fall in its place and she smiled, because no matter what kind of soul she has, he was there, loving her and reminding her how important she was and is for him and how she never was going to be alone. And the most relevant: He'll always find a way out to save her, no matter in which way she'll want to be saved, he'll find it out even without her telling him.

"Won't you save me? 'cause saving is what I need. I just wanna be by your side..." 

[ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBWRCihnWFU ]