You and that pretty face of yours.

You wanted to know my reasons, the reasons of an absurd like me. How could you expect a sensible answer from such an illogical monster like me? I mean, you said I'm not from this world, so I'm probably a monster dressed up like a person; that's the only thing that gives sense, in my head, to your words. 

Thank God you saved yourself from me. I told you since the beginning, it was weird someone like you liking someone like me... I mean, I even asked you if you were sure about it tons of times, hopefully now you'll have a better life, more expectations... cause with me you didn't have anything... just worries. 

Anyways, can I live in your country? Can I learn your language? Can I adopt kids and call them by the names you wanted? Can I have a life with you even without you? I know it sounds crazy and nonsense, but you know... I am not the most sane person in the world, so after all it makes some sense if I say it, cause it becomes possible, doesn't it? 

I'm tired... I feel sick as heck, I wish I can sleep more and miss you less, I wish I can smile more and cry less, I wish... I wish so many things and for some reasons they're all linked to you. I'm afraid... I'm so afraid. 

Caro Leonard... Guardare la vita in faccia sempre.

Per sempre gli anni che abbiamo trascorso, 

per sempre gli anni, 

per sempre l'amore; 

per sempre, le ore...

- Virginia Woolf.

Tu nombre y tu apellido.

Era como desintoxicarse… Nunca supe que estar sin alguien doliese tanto y eso que ya han habido personas que antes se fueron y me dolieron; sin embargo, cada nueva pérdida era como si fuese la primera, o más inclusive.

Yo pensaba que nunca en la vida había probado droga alguna, estaba equivocada... Nunca me dijeron que al igual que el resto de cosas, las drogas pueden tener nombre y apellido. 

Ahora entiendo lo del síndrome de abstinencia por el que se pasa una vez que se deja de consumir drogas, desde que he dejado de “consumirlo” empiezo a enfermarme. Si antes a duras penas cuidaba mi salud física y mental, ahora a duras penas cuido de una u otra y, honestamante, no sé como he sobrevivido hasta el día de hoy. 

Puede ser que me haya mantenido media cuerda gracias a las personas a las que he estado admitiendo… ¿Admitiendo? Ni tanto, mejor dicho gracias a las personas que he permitido estar en la puerta de mi casa, supongo que funcionan de placebo, en algo deben ayudarme y por eso hoy por hoy estoy aquí diciendo una que otra cosa con algo de sentido aun. Porque el sin sentido está a la vuelta de la esquina, me vive pisando los talones, como siempre.

¿Y tú cómo estás? No te encuentro... te busco tanto, a mí manera claro está, y no te encuentro... Quisiera reclamarte tantas cosas, pero me pesan por demás mis propias culpas contigo como para sacarte en cara las tuyas conmigo. 

Hay momentos en los que trato de convencerme de que no existes... trato de "olvidarme de tu existencia" ¿Acaso no fue esa una de las cosas que me pediste? Pero no puedo. ¿Y tú? ¿Estás mejor sin mí? ¿Algo de paz hay en tus días ahora? No puedes negarmelo más... era pesado después de todo, era demasiado pesado para ti cargar conmigo... Es realmente conmovedor lo mucho que lo intentaste... pero si ibas a dejarlo al final ¿Por qué haberlo intentado siquiera?

I thought you'll like to stay...

I'm coming back to be the sad girl you first met... Why did you come in if you were planning on going out at the end anyways? I guess I was being too optimistic by thinking an human being would like to stay with someone like me. I miss you...

I miss you, twinklepearl.

I need to stop missing you

To get over this feeling of crying all the day long

I need some peace in my heart...

Will I ever be able to be fine?

I just... I just really miss you sweet pearl of mine.

Maybe.

Maybe I still love you with the same intensity,

Maybe I am as in love as before of those pretty eyes of yours,

Maybe I don't want to ever forget your existence,

Maybe I am still building up a future around you,

Maybe I keep collecting the dreams of both you throw away,

Maybe I still want you but I have changed a lot,

Maybe one day, not so far away, we may get close again,

Maybe I am still lost inside of you

Maybe I can't imagine myself without anybody else but you,

Maybe... I should forget you and move on,

Maybe I am crazily in love as I was before but who knows?

Maybe it's just a secret I want to keep in my heart,

Maybe, just maybe, you'll never know.

That silly boy

“You've been doing such a terrible job.” I said aloud.

“What are you talking about now?” He asked surprised.

There I was again, talking out of the blue about matters sounding in my head only, things like how I push myself away from the path just for him and what a huge thing I was doing against myself like that; but, he didn't know, of course, how could he? He couldn't read my thoughts, nor feel my heart, it was an illusion I made in the air with my own expectations, such a false reality where I wasn't counting on the most important matters. 

I was a kid, as usual, so irresponsible, childish and whimsical as he used to say. And just for this time I couldn't feel any enjoyment, there was only pain inside of me cause of the wrong I did to myself, but above anything... cause of the wrong I feel I did to him by believing what I believed because even when he wouldn't understand it now, even if not with the same insanity maybe but with the same intensity as before, I love him... My heart keeps on beating for him only, that boy, that silly boy of my heart.