Vuoto

“«Molto tempo fa» disse «molto tempo fa esisteva qualcosa in me, ma ora è scomparso. Ora questo qualcosa è scomparso, questo qualcosa è scomparso. Non posso piangere. Non posso soffrire. Quel qualcosa non tornerà mai più».”


Francis Scott Fitzgerald - Sogni invernali. (Dalla raccolta “28 Racconti”).

Real

I realized that too much presence turns into absence
And too much trust, into naivety
Too much sweetness, into bitterness
And too much hope, in absurdity
Gradually I learnt the meaning of realness.

Balance was never a place for me to stand,
Insanity was my second name
And chaos my personal stamp;
How could I survive in a world this?
Reality never fit me, still I am real.

My core hurt constantly cause I used to believe
That I have gotten some control over all this;
I guess lying to myself is the best alternative
I don't know how to bear life as it is;
Maybe magic realism is all I've ever believed in.

June 25th, 2017

Let's talk in silence

- What are you doing? The little girl asked me, I looked at her for a minute and I decided to ignore her since I wasn't in the mood to handle anyone, not even a child.

- Hey, what are you doing? She said now getting closer and touching my shoulder, I just looked at her again. I stayed quiet one more time, waiting for her to leave and she did.

Surprisingly after some minutes, she came back with a cloth and a small tray that seemed to contain water. She sat down next to me and cleaned the puddle of blood and I started crying. I couldn't believe she was there just helping me when the rest of the people left when the people I thought would help me didn't do it, when the people I trusted in, betrayed my trust; when my people's selfishness was stronger than their so-proclaimed love.

- It's okay to cry sometimes, don't worry. I will help you to clean up this disaster. She said kindly and my heart felt such comfort that I nearly couldn't bear it. I wouldn't tell this beautiful soul why I was crying, I don't believe she could have understood anything, nor my pain, nor my embarrassment, nor my confusion, anything... But, at least, with her sincerity and company, she could hush the demons eating me inside.

- Does it hurt a lot? She asked with those pretty eyes and I just nod with my head, because I couldn't stand to say a word, but at the same time, I couldn't stop answering to that human being showing me such kindness even when I didn't deserve it.

- It will be fine. Pain doesn't destroy you, it makes you stronger. You'll learn with time. You must stand by yourself. You don't need anyone to be fine. Also, I will always be secretly here for you. She said almost whispering as if she was trying to lower the impact of her words on me. And I don't know if she got her goal or not, but I just kept on crying while cleaning the blood all over the floor next to her.

- Black looks good on you. Bleeding is okay, I guess it's some sort of disease, look. She said and open the middle of the front part of her pink dress, she had a huge scar. - When you'll stop crying, it'll stop bleeding and someone will sew it up for you and you'll feel better, then you'll have one like this. I used to hate it before, but now I like it, makes me feel stronger... It's like the proof of it. She said smiling at me and I just looked at her surprised, I wondered what her age was, but I thought she couldn't be more than eight. My hand, almost instinctively, reached out to her scar and touch it tenderly, her skin was cold but the zone around the scar felt really warm as if it wasn't really part of her... I just admired its constitution and for some weird reason I found it beautiful, I lost myself in it. Then I looked at her eyes again and she seemed okay with my action but I retracted my arm immediately nearly apologizing with my eyes. 

Suddenly, I was not crying anymore and I was excited about getting a close wound, I didn't want to cry anymore nor clean the blood anymore, I wanted to be as amazing as this lovely and bright little girl. It was okay being cold outside as long as my inside would remain warm, I just wanted to get rid of the sorrow and have the strength to go on and show proudly what a warrior I was. I was tired of getting hurt, I was tired of being part of the civil, and I wanted to be part of the militia, just like her. 

And this is how, in a matter of seconds, a little girl helped me recover the hope I lose from time to time, I wonder if she ever gets tired or bored of us and this cold house, in any case, she was growing up strong and I expected her to continue like that, she was my main inspiration and my role model.

A true friend for each other

- Jump. He said with confidence and I looked at him with hatred.

- What if I get hurt? I said looking down and looking at him. I was really scared but somehow he convinced me about this being a great idea.

- You won't. I am here with you, come on. I am going to jump too, I am going to jump with you. Trust me. He said really sure about every single word but still I wasn't that sure... In fact, I was terrified and if it wasn't because he was right there about to jump with me, I would've given up on the idea long time ago.

- I swear I am going to kill you if anything happen to me. I said and he laughed as usual, because apparently I was some sort of joke in his life, he wasn't afraid of me anymore!

- Okay. He said and I was wondering whether it was because he really knew nothing was going to happen to us or because he knew better I wouldn't have the guts to kill him, since tons of times before I've threatened him with the very same thing but still he has always found a way to escape unharmed. We jumped. 

Frankly a few times in my life I have felt so scared and even less times I have been able to survive without even a scratch, to be fair enough here, I must almost the most of the times his advices were good and he was really a trustful person even if the most of the time I was accusing him from not being the trustworthy type. I must also admit I made it really hard for him in the very beginning but after nearly two years handling me I should give him some credit and confess what a real keeper he is... Yes, we've gone through a lot of rough times and our friendship isn't always as stable, but somehow it's real, even if he himself may deny it sometimes. Don't misunderstand him, he doesn't actually mean our friendship isn't real, he just means it could be "more real" with a few more "conditions" on our favor.

Now coming back to our jumping experience, I won't tell I enjoyed to the maximum such adventure, but I must also say I was happy to know I got the courage to do it thanks to him, I was happy that he was so happy about doing it with me since he had done it before and wanted me to go through the same "awesome" event, I was happy to be able to do something for him; I was happy to see the great involvement of both on us in our friendship.

- Did you like it? He said after it with joy. 

- Sure. I said sarcastically and smiled. Yes, me the girl that doesn't really know about sarcasm talked with sarcasm and what did he do? He laughed, of course. 

- Come on. Didn't you like it for real? Okay, tell me what you felt. He asked.

- No. I said sharply, but there was no use in that since he knew better that me answering sharply wasn't always a big deal and since he hasn't done anything bad to me I didn't have any real reason to be mad at him.

- Tell me, if you don't tell me I won't be able to get anything of it. I want to know your thoughts and feelings about it. We could do something else next time. He said.

- Something else!? I said alarmed. Him and his extreme sports were going to kill me at this rhythm. I don't want to do anything else like this again. I said annoyed while looking at my hands.

- I meant some other activity, maybe something softer so that you can enjoy it. He said looking at me.

- Will you enjoy it too? I asked looking at him now. We have different tastes, so for us to be able to enjoy the same thing was pretty much a challenge. 

- Yes, we can think about something and discuss about it, so that we may arrive to something that we both may like. He said and I got happy. Sometimes I wonder how can he enjoy to spend time with me, I am sincerely that what people describe as "a pebble in the shoe" especially for him... he was right there during one of the hardest time, if not the hardest one, of my life and he just stayed even when I am a bunch of insecurities and I am always putting silly blames on him, even when he doesn't deserve it. He's not an angel indeed, I have gone through hard times thanks to him as well, but he is a sincere and caring friend and I believe I couldn't ask for more from him. 

- Alright then. I answered now excited. Let's pick! I said while getting my phone to asked google about the sort of activities we may like. I guess he won't ever be able to know how much of a blessing I consider him in my life and how grateful I was with him for getting along with me and for enjoying the fact of being the friend of a lunatic, chaotic, crying-baby, annoying, insecure girl like me, but I couldn't help but smile while sit down near to him while doing our personal research because even if I wouldn't say it often he was one of the people I was proud the most to have... he himself was struggling a lot with his own life, but somehow he got a way to be an exceptional friend to me and even if he was always giving me headaches, he was also teaching me and helping me to grow up without putting too much pressure on me, he was awesome and very beloved to me and I hoped it'd remained like that forever. And I really wished, deep in my heart, to be able to be at least half of the friend he is for me, for him.

If you'd just let me

I could re-build the world by your side…
If you’d just let me;
I could be the strength you say not to have,
If that’s necessary;
I could be the love that you lack,
If that’s what it takes;
I could be the willing to go on,
If yours isn’t sufficient;
I could even be the peace of your mind!
If you’d just let me…
Because you’re the love of my heart,
Without even trying!







(May 2017)

Let this dream become true

But I could not say anything anymore

It wasn't my right to do it now

Was it ever among my rights though?

I'm doubting my own shadow because of you

If you're not by my side in this room

And I'm not part of your story as I was

I wonder if anything between us was ever true.

You've never been a promises' guy

Believe me that I know it well enough

Because of this I trusted your word so much

In the same way, I trust a definitive truth

A noble knight for me you were

I felt like a princess being saved

Isn't that just another silly fairytale?

Like a fool in my own traps I fell.

Sometimes it feels like I was lost

But how not to get lost in you?

When even without me saying it

Everything about me you seemed to know.

I took you for granted you thought,

I was just disheartened and weighed down

And you were just disappointed and done.

It's not our faults I guess by now

It was just the destiny splitting us.

I miss you, I won't say I don't

Your jokes, your brightness and even the grumpy you

For me you were inspiration

Something indescribable and brand new,

For you I was a bunch of responsibilities

Worries and many problems more;

You must breathe in peace without me around

Why am I lacking air without you though?

Was really our story too good to be true?

I keep on dreaming those old dreams of us

Maybe I'm still too naive to wake up

Maybe I am just too whimsical to give up

Or maybe I never fell out of love with you

Let's try one more time to be one, the two of us

Let me play to the house looking at you

Dear dear love of my soul, let this dream become true.

Just a moment

We were sit down in the backyard and you seemed to be so lost in your thoughts... it was not something very common but would happen from time to time and I'd love it. It was the only time I feel free to look at you without any interruption and only God knows how much I'd love to look at you. Suddenly you looked at me.

- How are we going to call her? You asked.

- Didn't you say you like Flavia? We agreed on that name if it was a girl and Nicholas if it was a boy. I said smiling and you smiled back to me.

- I was just checking if you changed your mind after all this time. "After all this time" kept sounding in my head and the years we spent apart plus all the years we spent trying to have a baby came to my mind. Yes, it's been "a while" but if that was the name he wanted it wasn't about me changing my mind, it was about changing his. 

- Well, we're going to have four kids. I answered laughing and you looked at me surprised and laughed as well.

- I'm a bit worried here now. You said kidding and I held your hands looking at you right in the deep of your eyes.

- There is nothing to be worried about. I answered you with confidence. We're doing this together, aren't we? I am sorry it was so hard for you in the very beginning. But I am here right next to you, giving you all my support for this family to work out. I said nearly crying because I couldn't help to feel so much of a failure each time I'll remember how much you needed me back then but I couldn't answered properly to the situation which lead us to a break-up. It was good to know we found a way out and fixed our differences somehow and we both had a stable work at the end of the day.

- Shouldn't I be the one saying so? You asked with that sweet tone of yours.

- You've done it too many times. I said laughing, letting your hands go and cleaning up the few tears that rolled over my face. I need to do some compromises here as well. I said and you looked at me with that surprised face of yours.

- Are you maybe copying me, copycat? You said while giving me an inquisitive look but still smiling.

- A tool like me? How could I dare to have such behaviors!? That'd be unforgivable. I answered while putting my hand over my breast with fake indignation and you started laughing out loud and I simply felt glorious! There was not a single time when I was able to make you laugh without feeling like a winner.

- This is the time when you say again "I'll try not to be controlled by you, my own tool." I said sticking my tongue out. When you were calm it was certainly easy to joke around with you.

- Come on, you're not a tool anymore. You said getting closer to me. Not even a "simple" girlfriend! You said with a funny tone. You're my wife now. You said now seriously, holding my hand and making my wedding-ring spin around my finger, like pointing out that was a clear reminder. I couldn't hold it in and pecked you in your lips, then hid my face rapidly in your breast; even after all this time it felt so shameless from my side to take the initiative over that kind of approaches and I imagined you smiling.

- What a shameless girl, my cutie can be. You said softly while enclosing me with your arms and I felt so beloved... I felt so safe, I felt so calm, I felt at home. Since the very first time you said your arms suppose to be my home, I could never success to feel any other place like home again except by your arms. I needed nothing else. You were mine and I was yours, forever; that was a promise I wasn't going to break, no matter what.