Honesty

Picture and drawing by Madelaine Bustamante

Probably it's about being honest with oneself... but being honest with oneself isn't always easy, specially if you yourself aren't aware of it, and it doesn't matter the rest noticing because as long as you don't, such truth just won't come into your conscious mind and people will remain crazy and unfair only to your eyes. And how hard is to know yourself! To accept yourself! To feel yourself without restrictions...

Picture and writing by Madelaine Bustamante

On daily basis

- Are you ready? Elena asked him.

- Are you seriously asking me? You should be asking yourself instead. James said and laughed.

- In fact, I was asking myself. Elena answered and they both laughed.

- Let's go then? He asked sweetly.

- Sure. Remind me why I am doing this? Elena said a bit scared and James laughed.

- Well, you said you wanted us to run together. James answered.

- Yes, but you're there, I am here. It's not the same... She said a bit down now.

- I wish to be there but I can't right now and you can't come neither, then? Should we run or are we going to leave it here? He asked.

- Let's do it. She said trying to regain her enthusiasm. Run! She screamed and he laughed over how loud she can be and how volatile she was. He wasn't the impulsive type and he wasn't really pleased with how impulsive she was sometimes, but right now she seemed so cute to him.

She was not the sporty type instead, and any kind of exercise wasn't among her favorite activities but since it was one of the activities he regularly does, she wanted to join, even through the distance.

They just started and she was already tired, he seemed to be fine instead. He was laughing from time to time and she didn't want to waste breathe to ask, but she inferred it had a lot to do with her tired respiration. Also even if she was extremely tired she was really happy to listen to him so early in the morning, especially to listen to him laughing... people wouldn't know how much of a miracle that was sometimes. She was crazily in love with him, and she was willing to do anything to spend some more time with him, wasn't he always busy during the day? Having him at that time was glorious. 

When the alarm sounded announcing they have been running for forty-five minutes, she stopped straight and sat down on the closest bench she found. And he laughed out loud, at least "loud" compared to his usual laugh.

- Tired? He asked even if he knew the answer in advance. James simply loved to play around with her.

- We finished! She screamed really loud while throwing a laugh... that kind of laugh that sounds pretty much like a weeping at the end of the day, and he just kept on laughing.

- I still can't believe you were the one suggesting this and now you seem so relieved over this finishing. I have enjoyed a lot running with you instead. He said trying to cheer her up.

- I loved it! It was the best run of my life! And God knows better I hate running! But I loved it. She said still recovering herself and he laughed a bit.

- Then why do you sound so... He couldn't finish his phrase cause she couldn't hold it in and interrupted him.

- I just wanted to spend more time with you! I hate running! But if you run from time to time and I know I should run I prefer to do it with you, and believe me when I said this has been my best run ever cause even when you were laughing over how tired I am, I was enjoying the very sound of your laugh and your breath and any other sound coming from your sides such as the cars or the music coming from some places. Even when you're so far, I felt you so close and I'm willing to run daily as long as I can feel so! She said and she felt her face burning. Of course her declarations of love always seemed to be a bit dramatic and expressing her feelings so bluntly was still a bit embarrassing; she just didn't have enough air nor time nor anything to say it in any other way where she could sound "less in love", she was wondering how other couples do to sound so rational... even him! How in the world could he sound so rational and calm when she was always overwhelmed with all those feelings hitting all the walls of her heart.

- So, do you want us to shower first or eating? He asked kindly and she smiled over the thought of eating with him. Showering was not an option right now.

- Food! She said and he laughed again. 

- Someone is really hungry here. He said and she laughed.

- I am not that hungry! I just don't want us to hang up and we can't be on call while I am following my one-hour-shower-ritual, especially cause you only take fifteen minutes if not less and we'll be completely disconnected. Instead, we can eat together and go on video call now! She said excited and he laughed over her sweetness.

- What will you eat? James asked.

- Oh, we won't be eating the same indeed since I am taking breakfast but you're taking lunch. But I will eat whatever you tell me! Elena said trying to be pleasant with him.

- What does your diet say? He asked trying to point out that it's not about what he wishes her to eat but what she's supposed to it.

- Oh... Eggs with cheese and green tea. She said disappointed on herself since there was nothing much she could do to please him.

- That's my good girl. Now you don't even need to check, you've memorized. I think I will eat some cauliflower, hmm... with tuna maybe. He said playfully and she couldn't contain her emotion again.

- Yes! That's perfect! Yes! Tuna with cauliflower sounds awesome! As soon as she noticed her over-reaction, she tried slowing it down. And you love cauliflower, so it sounds like a perfect decision.

- And your lunch for today should be cauliflower and tuna according to your diet if I don't remember wrong. He said and her heart burst out in emotion again while thinking how cute it was of him to remember and how they were certainly going lunch the same thing today and how awesome he was and how much she loved him and how badly she wished him to be there.

- Let's open the cam! She said excited and he laughed while thinking how could it be possible she manage to have all those emotions running one after another, which such intensity and with such speed, he wondered if she wasn't just tired of running but also cause of that jumping heart of hers. When he saw her, his heart got a bit moved as well... She was sincerely happy to see him as usual, she was completely red and he couldn't know if whether because of the run or because of all the things she said to him. The morning seemed cold on her side but she appeared as warm as usual, and for a minute his desires to be there overwhelmed him.

- You are as beautiful as usual! And when you run you look awesome too! And I love you! And I want to marry you! And I miss you! And I want to eat with you now, yes! But again all her energy brought him back to earth and he wondered if he could keep the rhythm when he was with her, but so far they were together for about three years, without considering the time out,  and she always seemed to be just fine with his pace. He was wondering whether she was okay for real with his rhythm or just overdoing herself while appearing happy and serene as she has done before.

- You look beautiful, cutie. She just looked to another side when he said so and a tear rolled over her face. Are you okay? He asked worriedly.

- I am just so happy to see you and be able to spend this time with you. Moments like this make me feel everything is worthy... moments like this give me strength and I feel like fighting against wind and storm. I can't wait for our papers to be done so that you can come. I love you so much. She said and he recovered his peace. She seemed to be fine, she seemed to be happy and calm for now and that's all he needed to go on.

- Mangiamo adesso? He asked in Italian just to see her lose her mind again.

- Sì amore mio! She said while opening the door of her house at the same time than him... and even that was a reason for her to have an open and bright smile, and how much he used to love that smile of hers! That smile of hers that would now reflect on him.

Where is my mom?

"A baby could kill me" back then she told me and I imagined it could happen but I couldn't believe it'd actually happened. I could have never imagined it would really happen... 

But we wanted a baby so badly. She wanted a baby so badly... and I wanted a baby of her so badly that I thought it'd be fine. I thought wanting a child was not a bad thing.

*big sigh*

I didn't know what an expensive price I would've had to pay. 

I don't regret having a child... but forgive me if I can't handle the fact of having lost my wife. 

I see my child every day and I see her eyes. I see my child every day and I wish him to have her heart... I wonder if I'll ever be able to describe her to him, if my words, my memories would be enough to let him imagine at least, what an amazing woman his mother was.

I still remember the first day I saw her. She was with a black dress and a black veil, and black shoes, it was all black except for her face and her hands. I couldn't stand to look at her for a minute, she was way too bright for me... And I knew I shouldn't look at her that way. 

I remember us back in time, and as we used to get involved in the same activities I couldn't help but think she was... amazing.

*sigh*

I still can't believe she is not here anymore... I am just happy to know my son is small enough not to start asking questions such as "Where is my mom?", because to be honest I wouldn't know what to say. Because to be honest his mom is right here with me. Because to be honest... I'd like to know where is she too.

Vincent van Gogh - “Autumn Landscape with Four Trees”. 

Forever you

- Great! Now I am having hallucinations! For God's sake, my mental sanity was the only thing left for me, how can this be happening? I said aloud and I couldn't believe I was looking at him. It seemed so real... But of course, it was not real. He wouldn't travel this long, he has no reason to do it and he'd never do it, at least not for me. I looked around carefully trying to see if my cruel imagination would invite any girl to his presence but my imaginary him seemed to be alone. I breathed calmly again.

- Why do I even care!? I said annoyed with myself while trying to come back to my book, but seriously, was that him? He could not say I am following him around, I mean hello! I live here and it's the first time I ever see him, but it's him for real? Or maybe a guy that looks a lot like him? Suddenly another boy appeared up calling his name and oh God, I felt dizzy. 

There I was trying my best to hide my face in my book so that I wouldn't be caught, but why was I hiding? Even if I was not stalking him it's true my guilty conscious would remind me of all the insanity I made him go through. And my insanity was just back because there I was thinking about how to move to another table in order to get a bit closer and be able to listen to the conversation, but why should I listen to the conversation!? He wasn't my business anymore, at least that's what he said to me, didn't he? Why would I care if we were walking in the very same city? I mean, not a big deal. I got done with myself so I started packing up my stuff; that was not a place to study anymore, at least not with him around, I could not focus and of course nobody but me would understand that cause even if he'd get to see me he would not care, not even a tiny bit about my presence. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't listen to the steps coming towards me.

- Excuse me. The guy that was next to him was now right in front of me, and this bad habit of opening my mouth when I am too surprised betrayed me cause I was in deep shock. It took me a great amount of will to get back to my senses and be able to say a word.

- Yes? I said with a tiny voice and I was praying to God that you wouldn't come too because my heart was already beating at a speed I couldn't control. Whether a tachycardia would overcome me or I would've started screaming or running to let the anxiety and the excitement go away, but why? Why couldn't I just react like a normal person? Maybe this is why you left me, maybe the reasons you claimed were not the real ones and even yourself did not know that you left me because of how weird I am, because I am not able to take it easy, because I get overexcited like a child, because I barely control my emotions, because, because, because... and there was your friend right in front of me.

- My friend there says he knows you. He said pointing out to the table where you both were sit down but when I looked in the direction his finger was pointing you were not there anymore, I got to see your back while you were walking away though and followed you with my eyes while blushing, because I was looking at you shamelessly, even if I didn't have gotten the guts to watch you right in the face, maybe seeing your back was a gift and was better than being able to see you closer. Also, I couldn't believe you were so tall. Why were you ever scared of me? Have you ever stop yourself to think the "peanut size" I have?  

- There's no one there. I said even when I knew he meant you. Excuse me, I was leaving. I said and my shaking hand said way too much. See? I haven't changed a tiny bit in all these years, my voice get shaken, I get over excited, I shake, I blush, yes... it's everything still in the packet and I don't know why I don't seem to be able to control it, especially when it comes to you. I still felt like flying and I am sure even the butterflies would have come to my stomach if you would've talked to me! Was I a "lost cause" for real? Can please someone else come and save me from my own feelings? 

Your friend just moved aside and I started walking, I thought about calling a taxi in order to run away from everything, but at the same time, the slightest hope was still stored in my heart prohibiting me to go in such way because what if you try talking to me? What if you turn around? What if? What if? What if? Seriously my heart couldn't take such amount of emotions, it reminded me of when I fell for you and all those lovely emotions you used to bring me; but now it was a bit different, even if I was happy to see you, even if I was still holding onto the last pieces of hope, even if I continue to think of you only, everything was bittersweet because it was not only the perfect you coming to my mind, but the "you with your problems", the "you with the secrets", the "you with the lack of love", the "you that kept on hurting me along the relationship" even when I know better you never meant to. 
But see? As the years pass and I grow older, I meet more people and it's true when you used to say that not every single girl would stand that kind of relationship due to your situation as I was standing; but it's also true there's no boy I have gotten really interested in after you, maybe the "you with your problems", the "you with your secrets", the "you with lack of love" was okay because I continue thinking I could help to solve those problems, solve those secrets disguised as mysteries, turn that almost absent love in bright and clean love... but I didn't have time enough to prove myself, and I didn't have strength enough back them to wait for it. 
Certainly, I'd come back to you running, because it's still you, only you and no one else but you. Even if for you have never been really me... Maybe that's why I always took you just the way you are while you kept on trying to change my natural self into your ideal self, into that ideal girl of your dreams I am not and will never be.

Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

Timeout

She started packing her bags and I frankly didn't understand what was going on... I don't even know when everything started, I just know one day I noticed she wasn't the same towards me anymore and it didn't matter how much I'd try to bring the topic up, she'd deny any kind of disturbance between us and honestly I was just too afraid to face it... She just didn't seem to be the girl that fell for me that night in December.

She wasn't shedding a tear and she seemed so disconnected... my crying baby turned into an insensible being out of the blue, and there she was just looking at the floor without saying a word, making me feel more and more impotent! I could feel my levels of anxiety hit the top in a matter of seconds, I wasn't ready to lose her but I felt my hands tied up because she wouldn't tell me what to do, she just remained in that state of inertia that was doing nothing for us but driving me crazy. After saying she doesn't feel as she used to towards me, suddenly she was about to leave my life in the same way she came in, when did this happen? What went wrong? 

- What should I do? I insisted and I wished her to say something, to let me feel we were still in the same symphony, but I don't know at what moment we started playing a different song. I tried hard to find the exact moment, but all that came to my mind was fight after a fight during the last months and her pretending that everything is alright, yes, pretending because I knew her well enough to claim that she wasn't acting normal... she didn't seem to be comfortable nor happy around me anymore; even if she'd say the opposite.

- Nothing really, I just need some time out. A timeout? My ears couldn't admit what they heard. Timeout? What was that? I mean... Why would she request such a thing? And why the hell was she making her bags if she needed just "some" time out? What was I for her now, some sort of toy she can use and let go of as she pleases? And why was she acting like a victim when it was her leaving me? 

- I give you two days. I said angrily. Did she even understand what it means to me to be without her for two days? Why weren't we talking and solving that mess? Why was she crying for now? Where was she going? What happened? When did it happen?

- Nothing will change in two days, I need more time. I don't feel anything... When she said so I felt the floor over my feet moving, was she serious? After more than a year together she said that so plainly? Did it even mean anything to her? Why did I feel her so distant and cold? She wasn't my girlfriend anymore... someone replaced her and I was talking with a complete stranger. She would've never talked to me in such a way, I knew her better and she was so much better than this! Was it her or me though? Who went wrong? I made mistakes but I was willing to fix them for her, I was willing to do what it's needed for the sake of our relationship, why did she appear so unwilling though? Why wasn't she saying anything?!

- Do you still want to be my girlfriend? I asked and panicked over a slight silence. What? I looked at her perplexed. What happened to her incessant love? Where was her boundless sweetness? Was it her for real? When did I lose her? What did I do for her to turn this way? A tear rolled over my face because I felt like a piece of garbage... it couldn't be her acting this way by herself, it must have been me. I wronged her, I wronged her so much that she couldn't take it anymore; now she was acting like this towards me, she was making me pay for my own actions. I couldn't take it anymore and sat down on the couch between the door and the bed.

- You are thinking about it... It's the first time you do it; in the past, you would just have said "yes" immediately. I said shocked.

- I don't know... I just need time. She said and I laughed without even wanting due to the absurdity of everything. Oh no, I wasn't going to let things stop there. Hell no.

- Two days, think well about it. I said before leaving the room myself, she wasn't in charge; certainly, my pride wasn't going to take it. Not even now. I had to take these with my bare hands because she didn't know how in the world to solve a damned problem of that magnitude.

- I know nothing will change in two days. She said while letting the bags go and letting herself fall into the corner of the bed. Then I'll just stay here waiting for my feelings to get back in their right place. She said looking at the door and I felt her wish to go so badly that it broke me, even if I was already in pieces.

- Your feelings won't just go back. Whether you love me or not. I claimed, she took her bags again and was about to leave the room.

- If you leave there's no way back. I said and I can swear it was more heartbreaking for me than for the disheartened person in front of me. I could swear she wasn't herself. 

- Goodbye. She said and I felt the drive to jump into the door and block her way out but I was way too tired to do anything, she was my main source of strength and without her, I was losing it. 
Was that seriously happening? I lost my appetite, my strength, my life drive... everything fell apart and I wonder if she'd ever come back and fix it and if I'll ever be able to forgive her for this. I wonder at what moment our love story turned into this hellish thing and as unbelievable as it was I still wanted her in my life, all I wanted was her in my life, whether I was the biggest idiot in humankind's history or she was a real sorceress and caught me, I couldn't tell anymore... the image of an angel was still stuck in my heart, even if my brain would refuse such statement.

La mia cucina

"Hello dear followers! Welcome again to my own little world. I know I have been a bit absent lately, I've been kind of busy trying to become a better cooker even if I am not a big fan of it, so I'll show you all a piece della mia cucina!" She said while holding the video-camera and recording the plates placed all over the table.

Penne with tuna and tomatoes (Ph. by Madelaine Bustamante)

Fusilli al forno con zucchine e ricotta (Ph. by Madelaine Bustamante)

Chicken Parmigiana (Ph. by Madelaine Bustamante)

Oh! This is why you cooked all this today. He said laughing and she stopped recording and looked at him with a grim face.

You notice you almost ruined my shot, don't you? She asked while turning off the video-camera and sitting down. Also, you talk like if I never cook... I've been cooking the whole week. She said and pouted. 

Come on, you know I am just teasing you. He said sitting down in the chair next to her and holding a fork to start eating the spaghetti. 

Alright then. I am always cooking delicious food for you, I just wanted to share it with my followers. She said smiling while winding around his left arm. 

Let's not exaggerate though. You don't cook every day. Also... why is there so much pasta? He asked surprised while looking the whole table.

I got a bit excited with the pasta section when I did the grocery shopping... She said hiding her face in his arm. Also, pasta is the easiest thing to prepare and pretty much my best plate. She said faking a big smile.

Then I asked myself how it comes the money disappear in this house. I forgot I have a magician here. He said between annoyed and funny.

I am a grocery shopping enchanted fairy! She said proudly letting go his arm and raising her left hand and arm.

That's nothing to be proud about. He said and laughed.

At least you eat well. You should be thankful with me instead, my followers would love to have a wife like me I am sure. She said arrogantly and held the fork.

Your followers don't know it took you around four years to prepare a simple pasta properly, they don't know you used to believe ketchup is tomato sauce, they don't know how many times you've forgotten to add salt to the food, they don't know how many times you've added way too much salt to the food, they don't know how many times you have to put the food in the oven or the pan again cause it's not fully cooked. Believe me, they don't know so many things. He said provoking her and smiled slyly.

You're too much. She said now truly sad, all playful trail disappear of her face and she started eating.

Come on, you know I am kidding. I couldn't be happier have experienced all this next to you. I wouldn't have liked anyone but me to live all this next to you. He said consoling her while hugging her and she sighed.

I love you. She said and hugged him tightly.

NOTE: All the meals have been cooked by me for real, just saying.

SECOND NOTE: Recently discovered that's not "real" parmigiana.

Be right back

- Just go. He said holding his daughter in his right arm while standing in the lobby next to his wife who had a pink and black carry-on bag with her.

- I can't do this... It's too much for me. She said with a worried expression.

- Come on. You have wanted this forever. You can finally talk about your work and get more people interested in your research. Wasn't that what you were waiting for? He asked trying to pursue her and pointing out the front door with his left arm.

- Yes, but not like this! I can't leave my family for a whole week, this makes no sense! I just can not. Also Canada? Why so far? I can barely stand to go to another city... I mean, look at her, she's so little... she can't make it without her mom. She said while looking tenderly to the baby girl that was comfortably laid down on her father's shoulder. 
Suddenly a toddler showed up and raised his arms right in front of her like asking to be held. - Oh, my love! She said and held him immediately.

- Luna, I can handle it. I will take care of both well, don't worry. He said while trying to hold the toddler in his left arm, but the big baby boy pressed himself against his mother breast and put his little arms around her neck like saying he won't let her go.

- Can you really? She asked in anguish while kissing her son's hair and caressing softly his little back.

- Yes, I am sure. I am their father! Of course I know how to take care of my kids. He said with an annoyed tone of voice and she felt unease since now her husband seemed to start to get mad.

- You know I trust you, my love; I am just worried. She said while giving him a small kiss and looked at him right in the eyes like trying to tell him without saying anything else how hard that was for her. He just hugged her and she felt comforted after tasting that piece of heaven that happened to be his arms even after all these years together. Then he let go of her and smiled sweetly.

- Go, love. We will be fine. He said trying to calm her down when a light meow sounded in the background and they both laughed.

- Don't forget to feed him! She said smiling openly.

- I won't. Good luck, pretty. Her husband said and she finally put her son on the floor while kissing him and hugging him tightly.
- It's alright honey, mommy will be right back. Play with daddy. She said looking at the tons of games scattered all around the living room and she picked up a lego piece that was near her and gave it to her son, the child seemed to be happy and started picking up the rest of pieces.
- I love you. She said holding her husband hand and finally got the courage to leave the house.

Photo by Madelaine Bustamante

She couldn't even remember the last time she had to be without her kids, even when they were so little, she felt she had been a mother and wife for all her life. She couldn't even remember the last time she traveled without her husband. He wasn't only her husband but her travel partner, her best friend, and her most important supporter. He couldn't imagine what would have been her life without him and that tenacity of his that would pull them together even in the hardest times. She was certainly like the wind, always going from one place to another, not just in life but in her decisions in general; but he has always been her firm pillar that wouldn't let the relationship go down and she was deeply thankful with him. She couldn't admire her husband more than what she did.
She was happy since her paper got such amazing acceptance in the field, but the idea of leaving her family now seemed surreal for her; working for the last couple on months since home in her research and her new book made her forget she ever worked outside of home, after all, she was taking her deserved vacations from the University's teachings since she got birth her second child. 
She was already missing her family and feeling like the most blessed woman in the world at the same time by thinking she had such a supportive and trustworthy husband, who was always there for her. He wasn't just a lovely husband but an amazing father, she couldn't deny his shortcomings such as his strong character that could be a pain in the neck at times; but still he'd always think her husband was the best choice and her kids were part of the package, but he was certainly her biggest joy and she was nothing but amazed to have been gifted with such beautiful family by God.