You're mine.

- Who's that? I said angrily on the couch when he came in. I was with the television on, with my hands on the remote control now muting the sound.

- It's me. He answered.

- Of course, I know it's you. No one else but you would be coming by that door. I said now turning off the television and turning around to see his face. He was taking off his jacket. 

- Why do you ask who is it then? He said looking at me a bit annoyed.

- A friend of mine told me she saw you talking with a really pretty girl on the streets, she even sent me a picture. I said while standing up and taking my mobile to show him. Who is this woman you're smiling to? I said trying to the best of my capacity to control myself and holding in my tears.

- It's just a friend. You can't get jealous over a simple friend I talk with on the streets. And why would your friend take a picture of me and send it to you? What are you up to now? Are you spying on me? He said calmly and I couldn't anymore and started crying but cleaned my tears rapidly.

- She just happened to see you and send me a picture because I told her I was waiting for you but you were a bit late today. Who is it? I have never seen this face. Who is this woman? I said nearly begging while heavily breathing.

- I told you, an old friend of mine. School times, do you know my school friends? All my school friends? You don't know all the people that had surrounded me. Please, calm down and let me get home in peace. I am hungry. He said, certainly not willing to handle my jealousy today.

- The food is in the fridge. I said and left the room. I didn't want to make a whole drama about such thing. I really didn't want to! I didn't want to make his days harder and I didn't mean to welcome him home in such a way but God knows my anger was all over me and I couldn't act normally while all these doubts hitting me. Who was she? School? Did he ever have some feelings towards her? Did they continue talking after my friend took this picture? Why was he passing by that place at that time? That's not the way home. Why was he smiling? What were they talking about? Did she invite him to something she should not? Did she see his married's ring? Did he mention me? Why was he talking to her? I was feeling sick. Obviously, I know my jealousy didn't have a concrete base, I knew it wasn't logic! I know I was taking it too far, that's not the problem, I know. I am the problem. Me and my insanity, me and my overthinking, me and my insecurity. Of course, I knew it was not him. Still, I couldn't take it, my heart couldn't take it. Not at that very moment and if I'll get crazy on him right now I wouldn't have forgiven myself because there's no reasonable reason for me to be in that state. Couldn't he talk to other women? Don't I talk to other men myself? He knows, of course, and he doesn't lose his mind to this extent. I got ready to leave the house, I got ready as fast as possible because I didn't want him to stop me. I couldn't be in the same place than him right now. I listened to him opening the refrigerator and closing it, I listen his heavy breathe and his deep sigh and it made me cry even harder, I didn't want him to get tired of me. I listened him opening the fridge one more time and taking out the food, I listened him closing the door of the fridge and walking towards our room. Before he got there I left the bedroom ready to leave the house.

- Wait, where are you going? He asked now truly pissed.

- I'll be back soon. I said and head to the front door of our place.

- No, you are not. He said while holding my arm. Why are you doing this? He said with a disapproval frown.

- Let me go! I said while covering my face. I felt so ridiculous and annoyed. I didn't want to know who she was and all his past with the opposite gender, I couldn't take it, I just... I couldn't bear with it and at the same time, I needed to know it all to keep the composure, even if at the beginning it'd do the exact opposite. 

- Why are you acting like this? I have had a long day, I am really tired. Can you please hold yourself together and calm down? He told me and I remembered he hasn't eaten, I wanted him to eat and I wanted to leave the house. I cleaned my tears and looked at him apparently calmed. He let go of my hand and tried to hug me, I put my hand between us.

- Eat. He didn't insist on the hug and I appreciated it. As I walked to the kitchen, he walked behind me.

- We need to talk. He insisted.

- Eat first. I said because I knew he was hungry, though he'll surely claim his appetite wasn't as earlier because I ruined it, I didn't want him to say that... not now when I was repressing with such insistence my anger.

- Alright. He said and got into the kitchen and looked at me again. 

- Serve yourself. I said and I hated myself for not doing it. I didn't mind to serve him, he used to leave his job later than me and I was happy serving him the food. I waited for him to eat as every day and I was hungry until I got that photography and it made me lose my appetite.

- Have you already eaten? He asked while putting two plates on the table, I could see he was containing his anger too. We've been together for too long for me not to notice when I was taking him to his limits with my behaviors.

- Yes. I lied and he looked at me questioning the veracity of my answer with his eyes. I ran as fast as possible to the door and left the house. He ran after me.

- Where are you going!? He said really mad and I didn't stop running. I wanted to take the car, go to the library or the movies or the park, or anywhere, but I couldn't take the keys, nor the money, nor anything. I just had me and myself. So I didn't stop running with all my strength so that he won't reach me out immediately, but it didn't last even a couple of minutes until he reached me out and hold my arm.

- Why are you acting like this? He said with an agitated breath and I started crying again, out of breath, incredibly tired and super cold on that cold night of November. He tried to push me close to him embracing me, trying to calm me down while I tried to push him away with my both hands made a fist.

- You're... mine. I said giving up on him and letting my arms fall finally. Mine only. I said sobbing. I couldn't tell whether I was madder at that girl that ruined my day by approaching my husband and getting that close to him, or by myself... myself and my way to handle this kind of situations where my husband had not guilt but having married me.

- I am yours. He said calming me down and as he doesn't say it often since he prefers me to say, so it's usually all the way around, I felt my calmness came back to me and my jealousy slipping away. He was mine... He said it himself, he was mine. There was nothing to worry about. He was mine, he is mine, he'll always be mine. I hugged him back and my lips reached his and I closed those lines of him with that kiss, it was a symbolic path. He belonged to me as much as I belonged to him, forever. 

Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBWRCihnWFU

Regrets

Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

- Do you ever regret it? I said looking down at our hold hands and then looking up at our children in the playground... It costs us so much to get there: emotionally, physically, psychologically; everything was a fight, nothing came easily to us except for our connection since the very first time we talked. 

- Why? Do you regret it? He said looking at me and his eyes were asking sincerely, like if he really didn't know... it was amazing, for me, how after so long he could still ask me if I feel or think this and that. I'd fight my biggest fears and climb the highest mountain for him, despite getting hurt on the way, to be able to get to him at the end of the road will always make it worthy for me. 

Maybe it was not him being naive or unaware of my feelings, but me always confusing him. Of course, if we'd consider all the times I've given him mixed signs it's just normal he not being that sure about a clean answer. I am so volatile and changing, I can be laughing and the next second crying and then screaming... He could barely know in advance what was coming, and he was not the kind of guy that would ever get used to that kind of seesaw; still, he was there still trying to handle me and I was still there trying to be more constant, more secure, more down-to-earth, I could never stop feeling I am not what he wants for his life, I know better he would've preferred a different kind of woman in his days therefore it was pretty much a stroke of luck when it comes to me. Unlike me, I mean, I would've fallen for him in any situation, at any time, in any place, because I sincerely love everything about my husband, even if I hate everything about him at the same time. And no one can come and say to me that's not love, because love in itself is ambivalent, saying that I just love him all the time would be a lie, but then saying I hate him all the time would be a lie too. Sometimes I hate him and sometimes I love him, as simple and complicated as that.

Because you know? When we are having good times and he is so playful and likes to joke around with me, I love how he makes fun of me; and then when I am doing something and he's so careful about every single detail... I love how he is able to have everything under control because I am so bad having the control; and when I don't know the exact word for something and he loses a bit his mind over how careless I can be, I can't deny I love how obsessive he seems to me about tiny things; or when the children get some chocolates and I join them instead of stopping them, and he looks at me with that disapproval face so that I smoothly put down the chocolate while asking my children to give me the chocolates since lunch time will come soon, I must say that I love the way he is. Other people may find those small things about him not that likable as I do, but I couldn't care less because those people aren't the ones putting that happiness in my heart, he is. 

But then when he loses his mind over my silence and can't bear with the time I need whether to get the guts or feel calmer, I hate how impatient he can be; and when he is not acknowledging my efforts over this or that matter, I hate how he doesn't seem to tell the differences between us and me haven't gotten that iron will he seems to have all the time; or when I am so excited about something and share it happily with him, I hate how sometimes instead of cheering me up he puts me down with his perspectives... over me being needing to be more careful or more mature or more more more more, more something that I am apparently not in his eyes. I believe I am! Just not as much as him, he is... let's just say it, he is better than me in so many stuff, and I love that he is like that but I just can't be like that, not to that extent and I know because I've tried so many times already. 
But the day I married him I told myself I was never going to ask him to change anything about him, because he is who he is and that's just the way he is and whether I accept him like that or just forget about a life together; but I also told myself, he better accepts me just the way I am, because I can fix things I find not right with me for the sake of us, but I can't change all of me in order to be with him... that'd be annulling myself in order to be with him, and even if for the sake of my love for him I'd be always willing to do it, I knew myself better than that by now and I knew well that wasn't going to work that way... I wanted to be accepted too, to be accepted just for who I am. And guess what? We found a way through our differences because we were sit down at those tables at the park close to our house while looking at our children play and holding hands. Spending our weekend there, simply talking about love, about our love and sure, sometimes we talk about the bills, school, jobs and all those daily life matters that we have to talk, but right now, right there, I believe we were just enjoying ourselves because we couldn't worry all the time about problems, otherwise our life would become a hell, and the last thing I wanted for us was that. Life doesn't need help to bring you down, but you do need help to keep yourself up, so at the most of my capacity, I liked to remember my husband that our love is still there and alive, yes... even after all those years.

- When I get mad at you, like really mad... I said while laughing. I do regret it. But then I calm down and I look at you,  I stop regretting it. I don't know if he liked my answer or not, but I was being just sincere. Still, you're the best decision I've ever taken. I couldn't imagine anyone but you next to me for the rest of my life, and I know sometimes I drive you crazy and I am deeply thankful because you're still here, but I must say you drive me crazy sometimes too and I am thankful for that as well! I said while smiling openly, he could never understand what he was for me. I couldn't understand myself.

- You're cute. He said and embraced me. 

- Do you regret it? I said now crying because his arms had always had something that I can't bear with and make me so small, and I feel so protected and warm... I can't hold in my emotions anymore at that point.

- I don't. He said and I was wondering whether he said it because he was honestly thinking so or just because I was crying and he didn't want to make it worse for me; but I was sure about something, he was sincerely feeling that because you don't bear for so long someone like me, unless you've developed some kind of affection towards this being, I am way too complicated. 

- I love you, Paolo. I said and he hugged me tighter. 

"You're a shiny sunlight during dark days..." (P.G. 2014)

Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HU1l47ZQEyY

Drops of water, drops of blood.

I gave my father a hard time. Not to my mom, nor to my grandma, nor to my brothers, nor to my friends. I gave My father a hard time when you left. 

I put on him your faults and my faults & I vent all my anger and pain on him... To you? What I did to you after our break-up is nothing compared to what I did to him. I broke my father’s heart in pieces, I ripped it out so many times and in some many ways that it reached a point where he couldn’t take it anymore and shed tears over me. I was so insensitive that he almost lost his mind on me. 

I put on him faults that didn’t really belong to him because I needed to get rid of all my anger and sorrow, and the only person willing to bear with it seemed to be him. He was willing to pay for sins that weren't his.

I refused to look at him in the eyes, I kept a distance, I remained cold and absent, and oh dear Lord! God knows well I am my father’s joy! I took it all from me on him for the sake of my pointless revenge. 

I’d like to excuse myself by saying I wasn’t aware of my treatments towards him and certainly at the beginning I wasn’t! But once I became aware nothing changed, nothing but a constant feeling of helpless compassion towards him and growing guilt for me.

Couldn’t I see his efforts for bringing me back to my usual self? Couldn’t I feel his overflowed love towards me? Couldn’t I understand his obvious despair? I did. But nothing stopped me nor took me out from the dark hollow I cave for myself where his entrance wasn’t allowed. Even if unconsciously I couldn’t forgive him for not having taught me how to keep you, I couldn’t forgive him his lack of support toward us, I couldn’t forgive his silence over our separation; I couldn’t forgive his insensitivity and as a result, I became insensitive myself towards him. 

I had him telling me he feels sorry for our decision, despite knowing how hard it was for him to let me go and while looking straight into his eyes and with a broken voice I told him he could never understand how hard it was for me losing you and how even after about a year you continued aching deep inside of me. I couldn’t have been less insensitive to him than what you were toward me. And as noble and sweet my father is, he just endured my blameable behaviors towards him for more than a year. 
Has he forgiven all that I did to him out of rage? Till today he keeps on doing anything that would be good for me even if it’s heartbreaking for him, so I’d say he doesn’t even count my faults with him... Do I forgive myself? I understand my reasons and I comfort my conscience with a bunch of explanations that will never justify how horrible I was towards the only man in the whole world that would give until his very last drop of blood for me. 

And as ridiculous as it sounds, you’d continue making fun of my feelings while claiming it’s nothing but a whim. Do I forgive you for your treatments towards me? That relentless coldness and such despicable harshness? As my father and I are like two drops of water, till today and despite my mixed feelings, I’d give until the very last drop of my now-wrecked-blood for you.

Kind people and sweets.

I saw her in the back door of the store, she was going outside and I just followed her without considering my actions could appear threatening to a young woman all alone.

I stopped myself right in the door and I saw her lying down against the wall while looking to the street that was under the bridge, she was about to smoke. As soon as she tried she choked, whether it was her first time or she was having a bad smoking day.

- Are you alright? I said while getting close to her and she just throws a really threatening look at me... I stopped right away, preventing myself from getting any closer. I wonder if she noticed it herself and if she actually meant to, or if I was being oversensitive since I've been wanting to approach her for a long time.

- I am fine, thanks. She said and that look disappeared from her face immediately while she took her hand to her breast like recovering her breath and checking on her own heart's rhythm.

- Sorry. I said without even thinking. I just wanted to help. I said in an apologetic tone and I guess she noticed because she smiled shyly at me and my heartbeat sped up.

- It's alright. It's just my first-time smo... trying to smoke, and it didn't actually work. So I was right about the first option, it's her first time. 

- I am sorry. I said again asking myself why was I apologizing so much.

- It's not your fault that this tastes so bad, nor the fact that it smells terrible... It's not even your fault the reason why I am doing it. She said getting really down and looking at the floor. My heartbeat slowed down as her voice did with each word.

- Why did you do it? I asked her without taking my eyes away from her and I wonder who was this woman, turning me into a completely unknown version of myself.

- You're quite direct, aren't you? Also curious. She said and giggled. I was just happy to be able to get that from her, as small as it was, as perfect as it seemed to me. I am just trying to cope with the pain. Some people recommended me drugs and alcohol; honestly, I held in for a long time and finally decided to give it a try. Alcohol wouldn't work, I am not even able to drink half a glass actually and it tastes horrible so I have no idea about how people even do it. I thought maybe smoking would make it, but I couldn't have been more wrong... She said and a tear rolled over her cheek. Oh, so sorry. She said while cleaning it.

- I am sorry I touched such a topic carelessly. I said in an attempt to come back to my real self and be more connected with her emotions instead than mine.

- Imagine if talking about vices is a "delicate topic", nobody would bring it up always so normally. It's not your fault again... It's me, I am trying to handle my own poisons. I am stuck with the worst one that by attacking my heart has found a way to spread out all over my being. I put the dagger in my breast, not you; there's nothing to be forgiven for. She said and I was nearly speechless.

- Are you a writer? I asked astonished. And she looked at me hesitantly.

- Would that diminish the importance of my words? She asked with a cunning tone.

- Then you are a writer. I said and looked somewhere else not wanting to fall again for the natural charm she laughed for real this time, and my heart betrayed me one more time, of course.

- How unfair! She said and I felt incredibly proud to be able to change her mood... I felt glorious for making her happy while wondering if I could give myself the credit for real. Still, that wasn't unfair, unfair was her being so charming and shaking my heart in such a way constantly.

- You should've warned me you speak so nicely so that I won't get shocked by your words and think what a deep soul you have! I said jokingly and we laughed together.

- I have a deep soul, despite the fact of me being a wri... I write, I don't know if I can call myself a writer though. Anyways, those were my honest thoughts and feelings. She said seriously. Thanks for the nice conversation, you've made it more bearable today. I guess I don't really need drugs and so, I'll stick to kind people and sweets. She said smiling now and while I was trying to recover my breath, she left. And I wonder if she left all alone as I found her or with my heart among her hands.

Honesty

Picture and drawing by Madelaine Bustamante

Probably it's about being honest with oneself... but being honest with oneself isn't always easy, specially if you yourself aren't aware of it, and it doesn't matter the rest noticing because as long as you don't, such truth just won't come into your conscious mind and people will remain crazy and unfair only to your eyes. And how hard is to know yourself! To accept yourself! To feel yourself without restrictions...

Picture and writing by Madelaine Bustamante

On daily basis

- Are you ready? Elena asked him.

- Are you seriously asking me? You should be asking yourself instead. James said and laughed.

- In fact, I was asking myself. Elena answered and they both laughed.

- Let's go then? He asked sweetly.

- Sure. Remind me why I am doing this? Elena said a bit scared and James laughed.

- Well, you said you wanted us to run together. James answered.

- Yes, but you're there, I am here. It's not the same... She said a bit down now.

- I wish to be there but I can't right now and you can't come neither, then? Should we run or are we going to leave it here? He asked.

- Let's do it. She said trying to regain her enthusiasm. Run! She screamed and he laughed over how loud she can be and how volatile she was. He wasn't the impulsive type and he wasn't really pleased with how impulsive she was sometimes, but right now she seemed so cute to him.

She was not the sporty type instead, and any kind of exercise wasn't among her favorite activities but since it was one of the activities he regularly does, she wanted to join, even through the distance.

They just started and she was already tired, he seemed to be fine instead. He was laughing from time to time and she didn't want to waste breathe to ask, but she inferred it had a lot to do with her tired respiration. Also even if she was extremely tired she was really happy to listen to him so early in the morning, especially to listen to him laughing... people wouldn't know how much of a miracle that was sometimes. She was crazily in love with him, and she was willing to do anything to spend some more time with him, wasn't he always busy during the day? Having him at that time was glorious. 

When the alarm sounded announcing they have been running for forty-five minutes, she stopped straight and sat down on the closest bench she found. And he laughed out loud, at least "loud" compared to his usual laugh.

- Tired? He asked even if he knew the answer in advance. James simply loved to play around with her.

- We finished! She screamed really loud while throwing a laugh... that kind of laugh that sounds pretty much like a weeping at the end of the day, and he just kept on laughing.

- I still can't believe you were the one suggesting this and now you seem so relieved over this finishing. I have enjoyed a lot running with you instead. He said trying to cheer her up.

- I loved it! It was the best run of my life! And God knows better I hate running! But I loved it. She said still recovering herself and he laughed a bit.

- Then why do you sound so... He couldn't finish his phrase cause she couldn't hold it in and interrupted him.

- I just wanted to spend more time with you! I hate running! But if you run from time to time and I know I should run I prefer to do it with you, and believe me when I said this has been my best run ever cause even when you were laughing over how tired I am, I was enjoying the very sound of your laugh and your breath and any other sound coming from your sides such as the cars or the music coming from some places. Even when you're so far, I felt you so close and I'm willing to run daily as long as I can feel so! She said and she felt her face burning. Of course her declarations of love always seemed to be a bit dramatic and expressing her feelings so bluntly was still a bit embarrassing; she just didn't have enough air nor time nor anything to say it in any other way where she could sound "less in love", she was wondering how other couples do to sound so rational... even him! How in the world could he sound so rational and calm when she was always overwhelmed with all those feelings hitting all the walls of her heart.

- So, do you want us to shower first or eating? He asked kindly and she smiled over the thought of eating with him. Showering was not an option right now.

- Food! She said and he laughed again. 

- Someone is really hungry here. He said and she laughed.

- I am not that hungry! I just don't want us to hang up and we can't be on call while I am following my one-hour-shower-ritual, especially cause you only take fifteen minutes if not less and we'll be completely disconnected. Instead, we can eat together and go on video call now! She said excited and he laughed over her sweetness.

- What will you eat? James asked.

- Oh, we won't be eating the same indeed since I am taking breakfast but you're taking lunch. But I will eat whatever you tell me! Elena said trying to be pleasant with him.

- What does your diet say? He asked trying to point out that it's not about what he wishes her to eat but what she's supposed to it.

- Oh... Eggs with cheese and green tea. She said disappointed on herself since there was nothing much she could do to please him.

- That's my good girl. Now you don't even need to check, you've memorized. I think I will eat some cauliflower, hmm... with tuna maybe. He said playfully and she couldn't contain her emotion again.

- Yes! That's perfect! Yes! Tuna with cauliflower sounds awesome! As soon as she noticed her over-reaction, she tried slowing it down. And you love cauliflower, so it sounds like a perfect decision.

- And your lunch for today should be cauliflower and tuna according to your diet if I don't remember wrong. He said and her heart burst out in emotion again while thinking how cute it was of him to remember and how they were certainly going lunch the same thing today and how awesome he was and how much she loved him and how badly she wished him to be there.

- Let's open the cam! She said excited and he laughed while thinking how could it be possible she manage to have all those emotions running one after another, which such intensity and with such speed, he wondered if she wasn't just tired of running but also cause of that jumping heart of hers. When he saw her, his heart got a bit moved as well... She was sincerely happy to see him as usual, she was completely red and he couldn't know if whether because of the run or because of all the things she said to him. The morning seemed cold on her side but she appeared as warm as usual, and for a minute his desires to be there overwhelmed him.

- You are as beautiful as usual! And when you run you look awesome too! And I love you! And I want to marry you! And I miss you! And I want to eat with you now, yes! But again all her energy brought him back to earth and he wondered if he could keep the rhythm when he was with her, but so far they were together for about three years, without considering the time out,  and she always seemed to be just fine with his pace. He was wondering whether she was okay for real with his rhythm or just overdoing herself while appearing happy and serene as she has done before.

- You look beautiful, cutie. She just looked to another side when he said so and a tear rolled over her face. Are you okay? He asked worriedly.

- I am just so happy to see you and be able to spend this time with you. Moments like this make me feel everything is worthy... moments like this give me strength and I feel like fighting against wind and storm. I can't wait for our papers to be done so that you can come. I love you so much. She said and he recovered his peace. She seemed to be fine, she seemed to be happy and calm for now and that's all he needed to go on.

- Mangiamo adesso? He asked in Italian just to see her lose her mind again.

- Sì amore mio! She said while opening the door of her house at the same time than him... and even that was a reason for her to have an open and bright smile, and how much he used to love that smile of hers! That smile of hers that would now reflect on him.

Where is my mom?

"A baby could kill me" back then she told me and I imagined it could happen but I couldn't believe it'd actually happened. I could have never imagined it would really happen... 

But we wanted a baby so badly. She wanted a baby so badly... and I wanted a baby of her so badly that I thought it'd be fine. I thought wanting a child was not a bad thing.

*big sigh*

I didn't know what an expensive price I would've had to pay. 

I don't regret having a child... but forgive me if I can't handle the fact of having lost my wife. 

I see my child every day and I see her eyes. I see my child every day and I wish him to have her heart... I wonder if I'll ever be able to describe her to him, if my words, my memories would be enough to let him imagine at least, what an amazing woman his mother was.

I still remember the first day I saw her. She was with a black dress and a black veil, and black shoes, it was all black except for her face and her hands. I couldn't stand to look at her for a minute, she was way too bright for me... And I knew I shouldn't look at her that way. 

I remember us back in time, and as we used to get involved in the same activities I couldn't help but think she was... amazing.

*sigh*

I still can't believe she is not here anymore... I am just happy to know my son is small enough not to start asking questions such as "Where is my mom?", because to be honest I wouldn't know what to say. Because to be honest his mom is right here with me. Because to be honest... I'd like to know where is she too.

Vincent van Gogh - “Autumn Landscape with Four Trees”.