Real and Final Freedom

- Let go. I said while crying.

- But... He said in my mind.

- No... just let go of me. I said looking at my arm. 

- Don't you think we should talk? He said looking at me and I cried even harder. I couldn't take it anymore and let myself fell to the floor.

- Wha... He said and I couldn't bear with it anymore. I knew better than anyone that he was not there for real and it was my mind reinventing him over and over again. I was trapped. 

- I need you to go. I said lying down on the floor and he just sits down next to me.

- Weren’t you the one asking me to come back? He said sadly.

- The real you! I want the real you to come back! I am done talking with mirages! Can you please come back? I am begging you. I said while covering my face with both hands.

- But I am right here. He answered and it only made me cry more.

- No! You are not! Can you please... the real you, please come back to me? I miss you! I miss you so much! Didn't you say you wouldn't leave!? I am sorry I can't forget about your existence as you asked. I am sorry I couldn't find someone else. I am sorry I am so "obsessed" with you. I am sorry for everything so can you come back now? I just admitted my faults. Now appear for real, please. Please. I said holding my breast because the pain was so real that I felt my heart squeezing.

- I've never left. He said again and I wanted to make him appear for real or make him disappear for once and all, I couldn't take it anymore.

- Why did you say all those things about not giving up and me being the only thing you have? You didn't need to say them if you weren't sure. Why? It's so hard to take you out of me. I keep on throwing things out but there is always another box full of your memories hidden in some room. Why? Why did you stay for so long? Why did you say all those things!? Why!? I can't move on... I can't go on, I can't get over you! I can't! I said desperately with an upset expression on my face due to the anguish and desperation.

- Then don't. He said and I couldn't believe my own mind was so sadist. How could it be possible to be so heartless towards oneself?

- Don't you understand? You're not real. You are not him and I can't continue living with you because I can't be okay like this. Do you know how hard is for me right now not to text the real you? Do you know how it feels not to see him? Do you know how frustrating is to see him somewhere else while thinking there's someone else in my place? You can't understand how painful it is and how I can't bear with it anymore... I just can not. So please, leave. I said cleaning out my tears.

- If you want me to go, I will go. He said and I felt it like a real threaten, how dared him to say he was leaving? How could he even think about it?

- I can't believe the idea of you disappearing is actually hitting me! I said with an ironic voice and a silly smile, placing my right arm on my forehead.

- After all, am I not here because you actually can't make it without me? He said coldly and I laughed at the veracity of his statement.

- Right. But you know? I can't live without, at least, the idea of him; still, I can't live with just this for the rest of my life. It's too sad... and then there are days like now that tear me up. This impotence... this emptiness... this absurdity... it's suffocating, it's unbearable... I said while the tears were falling non stop again.

- Then let me go. He said bluntly and I held my head with both hands.

- I can not... I said almost is a whisper.

- Why are you asking me to leave then? He asked looking at me directly in the eyes.

- Maybe the problem is not you... maybe whom I need to get rid of is myself... I said staring off into space. 

- That sounds like a smart idea. We both will disappear then. He said smiling and I found him so evil... but I couldn't agree more.

- Let's do it, then. I said cleaning my tears and finally standing up. - Let's make it happen. And I just wondered if I could really stop feeling him in some way. Whether turning to crazy, turning to heartless, turning to brainless or dying. I wondered if I had any guarantee about his memory not getting a way to find me despite wherever I will go, and as I felt there was nothing else for me to do... I decided to give it a try. I just went to the window and looked down. Autumn was never as beautiful as that day, my street was having all the colors imaginable from all the leaves on the floor... and even the delightful cherry blossom seemed to be saying goodbye to me. 

- Seriously? He said looking at me surprised. - Wouldn't that be too painful? And all the blood... Disgusting. He said making fun of me.

- Who cares about that now? Do you really think there's anything more painful than what I am living right now? I said and laughed with him, oh how much I love him... even there, even now. And I remembered that Chinese proverb that would keep on popping up in my mind "One day, three autumns", which happened to be a "Chengyu", which is an idiomatic expression of fourth characters... and that one in particular means that when you miss someone too much, one day feels like three autumns.  - Want to jump with me? I asked with a straight face.

- If you want me to. He said and I laughed even harder, I couldn't allow it; not even if it was not the real him, I couldn't allow him to die with me, not in such pathetic way. I wondered if I've finally paid all my sins so that I have the right to ask for some peace of mind. I wondered if after all this time I gained his pardon, I wondered if I deserve some calmness for my heart... I wondered if I had any right... All I could think of was me not having any strength left to bear with his absence any longer.

- Stay here better, too much blood would be truly disgusting. Mine is more than enough. I said smiling and I put a chair next to the window. I put my right feet over it, then my left one and as I was trembling, I felt free for the first time in years. I turned around to see his sublime face one last time and told him.

- I have always loved you... I have loved you sincerely. I have loved you to the best of my limited capacity. And I saw him crying for the first time ever... and I cried with him and as I felt the drive to hug him, I reminded myself it was not real, it was all inside of me... it was all in the tiny world I built up the day he left and then reality appeared up, so I felt that breast pain again pressing on my soul, I held my heart by putting both of my arms over my breast while placing my hands over my shoulders making a shield with my arms, like protecting my heart. And as I jumped into the abyss I felt free... I was finally free.

Drawing and Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGhAP2tPBz0

The wings

He was playing with his puzzles as usual and she was looking at him from afar. He had really nice and long white wings... and hers were just so small and kind of broken, she could barely raise herself since she got that accident. She went to him very quietly not to disturb him, otherwise, he'll step back and offer her a spot but he wouldn't allow her to do what she was planning to do.

He had this wonderful and huge wings... still he'd never fly too far nor too high, she kept on wondering why didn't he even try? He seemed to be comfortable right where he was and she wasn't going to question his reasons but certainly his wings were so beautiful... she couldn't handle it anymore and touch one of them. The small winged being turned around a bit annoyed and said: - "Hey!"

- "I am so sorry!" She said truly sorry and about to cry.

- "Why did you do that?" The kid asked looking at her angrily.

- "I just... I just wanted to touch them..." She answered.

- "Touch your own!" He said and fly away and she turned her head a bit to see her own and there was no point, her wings weren't even comparable to his.

She started playing with the puzzle herself thinking she won't bother him anymore. They suppose to be friends but he was always so sneaky with her. Always pulling her away, like if she was going to harm him! It was senseless to her, he was bigger and obviously stronger. Also, why wouldn't he consider their friendship? She'd admit she didn't actually care about their friendship in the beginning, but now she was starting to treasure him; still, he seemed so distant. Why couldn't she just touch his wing? Why was him so stingy? She didn't mean to take away any of his wings or take anything from him, then why was him so caring towards her? She was mad now. Always running away, always stepping back, always acting so cautious. She left the puzzle and walk away from there, she was going to go to the river, she couldn't even understand why he was always playing with that puzzle in that edge, she wouldn't say seeing the clouds wasn't entertaining but being so close to the edge was also scary, even if they could fly... especially to someone with damage wings as hers.

He came back after a short while, he found her playing around in the river, she was just splashing the water between her hands and enjoying herself.

- "I am back". He said looking at her.

- "Alright". She answered without looking at him but focusing her eyes on her hands full of water yet.

- "Do you want to play?" He asked timidly and she looked at him with a mad face yet.

- "What game?". She asked a bit curious. He didn't know any real games other than the ones they've already played thousands of times and after his reaction, she wasn't in the mood to play any of them. He looked at his wings.

- "Let's throw rocks to the river." He said smiling.

- "We always do that. I don't want to right now." She said sharply.

- "If you win you can touch my wings." He told her blushing a bit and her face lighted up.

- "Really!?" She said smiling openly now, but her excitement slowed down fastly when she looked around and saw her own wings. "What if you win?" She said caressing her right wing.

- "You don't touch my wings." He answered and she smiled looking at him again. He surely knows how to be careful not towards himself only, but also towards her; suddenly all her anger slipped away and she wonders if all his considerations were focused on protect himself only, or if like just now... he was safeguarding her interests as well; after all he knew better what happened to her... and he never asked anything from her. "He is a real friend, a good one!" She thought and as she was smiling he smiled back at her too. They started throwing tiny rocks to that huge river.

Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bC3WAxiLnDY

Friday night

We were on the couch of the living room, I was kind of sit down over his lap, playing with his hands while talking about tomorrow's events, we had to do the groceries after job and were thinking about the food we were missing at home. And I swear I couldn't think anything but what a handsome and amazing man he is and for a minute I stopped talking and playing with our hands because I was just looking at him talking, then he stayed quiet as well. And I meowed and he laughed out hard. 

- You're so cute I just want to bite you. I said pretending I cry.

- You say you're a cat, but that seems more like a dog to me. He said kidding and I took my chance to lick a bit of his bearded chin.

- There you go. He said a bit annoyed looking somewhere else while cleaning his chin and I pecked him. And he gave it back in a real kiss, as I started passing my fingers through his hair, he was sliding his hand under my sweater and before he gets to my t-shirt I tried to stop it.

- Wa...it... I said vaguely and almost without a will while still kissing him, so he didn't stop. And I reminded myself it was now or never because if we'd continue I wouldn't be getting it.

- Wait, wait. I said agitated and sitting properly while pulling down my t-shirt and sweater. 

- What? He said with a shaken voice moving his hands around my waist, so I stood up. He stood up too.

- You told me we were going to have crispy chicken today. I said firmly, trying to recover myself.

- Are you kidding me!? He said shocked and brought me closer to him while threatening with kissing me again. 

- No! I said frustrated looking straight at him kind of mad, but also kind of laughing. You said we'll go to eat chicken outside today and if... I won't want to leave the house anymore! And I want to eat it now, you promised last week. I claimed, wondering if this will make me appear like a capricious child in his eyes. I was just asking him to fulfill his promises, I waited patiently for all this time as he asked.

- You want chicken right now? He asked.

- Yes. I said trying to be serious.

- Oh God, I can't believe this. It seems that you never eat chicken. He said a bit annoyed, letting me go and walking to the room. I followed him, trying my best not to laugh.

- I wouldn't get like this over crispy chicken if you'd allow me to eat it more often, but I have this strict and horrible diet that I must follow in order to keep a healthy body because my metabolism sucks, so forgive me if I get over excited when I think about chicken on Friday night... I said with an apologetic voice. He sat down on the border of the bed.

- Have you been waiting for this the whole week? He asked looking at me seriously.

- Yes. I just didn't insist because you said Friday night. I really like crispy chicken. I said with a grimace.

- More than me apparently. He said still a bit annoyed while standing up and going to the kitchen to grab some water, I followed him of course.

- I like you to another level. But I need to take my opportunities to eat chicken, you don't say yes to me all the time and it has nothing to do with the price because chicken is not even expensive. You just know I must keep my diet so you don't let me eat that chicken freely. So I obey you and I don't cheat on my diet, no matter how many times I wish to, but now I need that chicken. I tried to explain.

- You "need" that chicken. He said emphasizing my words, to point out the absurdity of them.

- Hubby. I said a bit annoyed now. The wifey says since she married you, she sticks to the diet like if this is a sacred word, and she does her exercises without skipping and she takes good care of her/your body but she needs some yummy chicken sometimes. He laughed a bit.

- Why are you talking in the third person now? Can't bear to say what a gluttonous you are? He said making fun of me.

- She says you shouldn't be bothering her because she's nearly giving up on food for you and that must tell you how much she adores you. She's planning on depriving you of something you really like for you to feel her, even better! Give you too much of something since you're better at holding it than her, but worse at exceed, so you may feel the effort. I said while serving myself some water too and drinking.

- It's not for me, but for us. And sweets aren't real food and that chicken isn't the best for her health, still, I allowed to go. Also if we take so much care of her body if for the babies we plan to have in the future, not because I want and that's it. He said holding my hand now.

- The wifey says she is happy and thankful that you're allowing her to eat crispy chicken tonight and she apologies for having stopped it... but if you guys would've taken it further she wasn't going to leave the house she knows better because she can be so lazy sometimes. Also, she wants to get some fresh air, that's why she didn't even consider delivery, even if she is thinking about it now. I said moving my head to the left while looking somewhere else like thinking.

- We should walk a bit if we're going to get that many calories. He said while bringing my hand to his mouth and kissing it. Come on chicken-lady, let's get some chicken. He said smiling.

- Yay! I screamed putting my both arms up and he laughed.

- I still can't believe you've putten chicken above me. He said pretending to be displeased now.

- Aw, did I hurt your man's pride? I said not falling into his trap while getting closer to him and looking up at him directly in the eyes since he's much taller than me. 

- Oh you, little... He was saying and couldn't continue to cause my lips reached his to engage in a sweet kiss while placing his hands behind my back.

- But now let's get some chicken. I said smiling and hugged him and he laughed again.

Will I ever get rid of my love for sweet comics?
I don't think so. This is my new thing: Catana Comics.

- Yes, yes. He said leaving the kitchen and I followed him. He got his sweater, I got my scarf and a jacket because a sweater wouldn't make it for me. We turned off the lights and left the house. And we walked down the street to the center to get some chicken, while I put one of the hands and his jacket's pocket so that he wouldn't have space and he put his arm around my neck and felt even warmer. There I was, happy and bright, by the hand of the man of my life, going to get my favorite food in the world, certainly, I couldn't ask for more. I wonder what could I do for him to feel the exact same way and as I looked at him smiling, I imagined he was enjoying it too.

You're mine.

- Who's that? I said angrily on the couch when he came in. I was with the television on, with my hands on the remote control now muting the sound.

- It's me. He answered.

- Of course, I know it's you. No one else but you would be coming by that door. I said now turning off the television and turning around to see his face. He was taking off his jacket. 

- Why do you ask who is it then? He said looking at me a bit annoyed.

- A friend of mine told me she saw you talking with a really pretty girl on the streets, she even sent me a picture. I said while standing up and taking my mobile to show him. Who is this woman you're smiling to? I said trying to the best of my capacity to control myself and holding in my tears.

- It's just a friend. You can't get jealous over a simple friend I talk with on the streets. And why would your friend take a picture of me and send it to you? What are you up to now? Are you spying on me? He said calmly and I couldn't anymore and started crying but cleaned my tears rapidly.

- She just happened to see you and send me a picture because I told her I was waiting for you but you were a bit late today. Who is it? I have never seen this face. Who is this woman? I said nearly begging while heavily breathing.

- I told you, an old friend of mine. School times, do you know my school friends? All my school friends? You don't know all the people that had surrounded me. Please, calm down and let me get home in peace. I am hungry. He said, certainly not willing to handle my jealousy today.

- The food is in the fridge. I said and left the room. I didn't want to make a whole drama about such thing. I really didn't want to! I didn't want to make his days harder and I didn't mean to welcome him home in such a way but God knows my anger was all over me and I couldn't act normally while all these doubts hitting me. Who was she? School? Did he ever have some feelings towards her? Did they continue talking after my friend took this picture? Why was he passing by that place at that time? That's not the way home. Why was he smiling? What were they talking about? Did she invite him to something she should not? Did she see his married's ring? Did he mention me? Why was he talking to her? I was feeling sick. Obviously, I know my jealousy didn't have a concrete base, I knew it wasn't logic! I know I was taking it too far, that's not the problem, I know. I am the problem. Me and my insanity, me and my overthinking, me and my insecurity. Of course, I knew it was not him. Still, I couldn't take it, my heart couldn't take it. Not at that very moment and if I'll get crazy on him right now I wouldn't have forgiven myself because there's no reasonable reason for me to be in that state. Couldn't he talk to other women? Don't I talk to other men myself? He knows, of course, and he doesn't lose his mind to this extent. I got ready to leave the house, I got ready as fast as possible because I didn't want him to stop me. I couldn't be in the same place than him right now. I listened to him opening the refrigerator and closing it, I listen his heavy breathe and his deep sigh and it made me cry even harder, I didn't want him to get tired of me. I listened him opening the fridge one more time and taking out the food, I listened him closing the door of the fridge and walking towards our room. Before he got there I left the bedroom ready to leave the house.

- Wait, where are you going? He asked now truly pissed.

- I'll be back soon. I said and head to the front door of our place.

- No, you are not. He said while holding my arm. Why are you doing this? He said with a disapproval frown.

- Let me go! I said while covering my face. I felt so ridiculous and annoyed. I didn't want to know who she was and all his past with the opposite gender, I couldn't take it, I just... I couldn't bear with it and at the same time, I needed to know it all to keep the composure, even if at the beginning it'd do the exact opposite. 

- Why are you acting like this? I have had a long day, I am really tired. Can you please hold yourself together and calm down? He told me and I remembered he hasn't eaten, I wanted him to eat and I wanted to leave the house. I cleaned my tears and looked at him apparently calmed. He let go of my hand and tried to hug me, I put my hand between us.

- Eat. He didn't insist on the hug and I appreciated it. As I walked to the kitchen, he walked behind me.

- We need to talk. He insisted.

- Eat first. I said because I knew he was hungry, though he'll surely claim his appetite wasn't as earlier because I ruined it, I didn't want him to say that... not now when I was repressing with such insistence my anger.

- Alright. He said and got into the kitchen and looked at me again. 

- Serve yourself. I said and I hated myself for not doing it. I didn't mind to serve him, he used to leave his job later than me and I was happy serving him the food. I waited for him to eat as every day and I was hungry until I got that photography and it made me lose my appetite.

- Have you already eaten? He asked while putting two plates on the table, I could see he was containing his anger too. We've been together for too long for me not to notice when I was taking him to his limits with my behaviors.

- Yes. I lied and he looked at me questioning the veracity of my answer with his eyes. I ran as fast as possible to the door and left the house. He ran after me.

- Where are you going!? He said really mad and I didn't stop running. I wanted to take the car, go to the library or the movies or the park, or anywhere, but I couldn't take the keys, nor the money, nor anything. I just had me and myself. So I didn't stop running with all my strength so that he won't reach me out immediately, but it didn't last even a couple of minutes until he reached me out and hold my arm.

- Why are you acting like this? He said with an agitated breath and I started crying again, out of breath, incredibly tired and super cold on that cold night of November. He tried to push me close to him embracing me, trying to calm me down while I tried to push him away with my both hands made a fist.

- You're... mine. I said giving up on him and letting my arms fall finally. Mine only. I said sobbing. I couldn't tell whether I was madder at that girl that ruined my day by approaching my husband and getting that close to him, or by myself... myself and my way to handle this kind of situations where my husband had not guilt but having married me.

- I am yours. He said calming me down and as he doesn't say it often since he prefers me to say, so it's usually all the way around, I felt my calmness came back to me and my jealousy slipping away. He was mine... He said it himself, he was mine. There was nothing to worry about. He was mine, he is mine, he'll always be mine. I hugged him back and my lips reached his and I closed those lines of him with that kiss, it was a symbolic path. He belonged to me as much as I belonged to him, forever. 

Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBWRCihnWFU

Regrets

Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

- Do you ever regret it? I said looking down at our hold hands and then looking up at our children in the playground... It costs us so much to get there: emotionally, physically, psychologically; everything was a fight, nothing came easily to us except for our connection since the very first time we talked. 

- Why? Do you regret it? He said looking at me and his eyes were asking sincerely, like if he really didn't know... it was amazing, for me, how after so long he could still ask me if I feel or think this and that. I'd fight my biggest fears and climb the highest mountain for him, despite getting hurt on the way, to be able to get to him at the end of the road will always make it worthy for me. 

Maybe it was not him being naive or unaware of my feelings, but me always confusing him. Of course, if we'd consider all the times I've given him mixed signs it's just normal he not being that sure about a clean answer. I am so volatile and changing, I can be laughing and the next second crying and then screaming... He could barely know in advance what was coming, and he was not the kind of guy that would ever get used to that kind of seesaw; still, he was there still trying to handle me and I was still there trying to be more constant, more secure, more down-to-earth, I could never stop feeling I am not what he wants for his life, I know better he would've preferred a different kind of woman in his days therefore it was pretty much a stroke of luck when it comes to me. Unlike me, I mean, I would've fallen for him in any situation, at any time, in any place, because I sincerely love everything about my husband, even if I hate everything about him at the same time. And no one can come and say to me that's not love, because love in itself is ambivalent, saying that I just love him all the time would be a lie, but then saying I hate him all the time would be a lie too. Sometimes I hate him and sometimes I love him, as simple and complicated as that.

Because you know? When we are having good times and he is so playful and likes to joke around with me, I love how he makes fun of me; and then when I am doing something and he's so careful about every single detail... I love how he is able to have everything under control because I am so bad having the control; and when I don't know the exact word for something and he loses a bit his mind over how careless I can be, I can't deny I love how obsessive he seems to me about tiny things; or when the children get some chocolates and I join them instead of stopping them, and he looks at me with that disapproval face so that I smoothly put down the chocolate while asking my children to give me the chocolates since lunch time will come soon, I must say that I love the way he is. Other people may find those small things about him not that likable as I do, but I couldn't care less because those people aren't the ones putting that happiness in my heart, he is. 

But then when he loses his mind over my silence and can't bear with the time I need whether to get the guts or feel calmer, I hate how impatient he can be; and when he is not acknowledging my efforts over this or that matter, I hate how he doesn't seem to tell the differences between us and me haven't gotten that iron will he seems to have all the time; or when I am so excited about something and share it happily with him, I hate how sometimes instead of cheering me up he puts me down with his perspectives... over me being needing to be more careful or more mature or more more more more, more something that I am apparently not in his eyes. I believe I am! Just not as much as him, he is... let's just say it, he is better than me in so many stuff, and I love that he is like that but I just can't be like that, not to that extent and I know because I've tried so many times already. 
But the day I married him I told myself I was never going to ask him to change anything about him, because he is who he is and that's just the way he is and whether I accept him like that or just forget about a life together; but I also told myself, he better accepts me just the way I am, because I can fix things I find not right with me for the sake of us, but I can't change all of me in order to be with him... that'd be annulling myself in order to be with him, and even if for the sake of my love for him I'd be always willing to do it, I knew myself better than that by now and I knew well that wasn't going to work that way... I wanted to be accepted too, to be accepted just for who I am. And guess what? We found a way through our differences because we were sit down at those tables at the park close to our house while looking at our children play and holding hands. Spending our weekend there, simply talking about love, about our love and sure, sometimes we talk about the bills, school, jobs and all those daily life matters that we have to talk, but right now, right there, I believe we were just enjoying ourselves because we couldn't worry all the time about problems, otherwise our life would become a hell, and the last thing I wanted for us was that. Life doesn't need help to bring you down, but you do need help to keep yourself up, so at the most of my capacity, I liked to remember my husband that our love is still there and alive, yes... even after all those years.

- When I get mad at you, like really mad... I said while laughing. I do regret it. But then I calm down and I look at you,  I stop regretting it. I don't know if he liked my answer or not, but I was being just sincere. Still, you're the best decision I've ever taken. I couldn't imagine anyone but you next to me for the rest of my life, and I know sometimes I drive you crazy and I am deeply thankful because you're still here, but I must say you drive me crazy sometimes too and I am thankful for that as well! I said while smiling openly, he could never understand what he was for me. I couldn't understand myself.

- You're cute. He said and embraced me. 

- Do you regret it? I said now crying because his arms had always had something that I can't bear with and make me so small, and I feel so protected and warm... I can't hold in my emotions anymore at that point.

- I don't. He said and I was wondering whether he said it because he was honestly thinking so or just because I was crying and he didn't want to make it worse for me; but I was sure about something, he was sincerely feeling that because you don't bear for so long someone like me, unless you've developed some kind of affection towards this being, I am way too complicated. 

- I love you, Paolo. I said and he hugged me tighter. 

"You're a shiny sunlight during dark days..." (P.G. 2014)

Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HU1l47ZQEyY

Drops of water, drops of blood.

I gave my father a hard time. Not to my mom, nor to my grandma, nor to my brothers, nor to my friends. I gave My father a hard time when you left. 

I put on him your faults and my faults & I vent all my anger and pain on him... To you? What I did to you after our break-up is nothing compared to what I did to him. I broke my father’s heart in pieces, I ripped it out so many times and in some many ways that it reached a point where he couldn’t take it anymore and shed tears over me. I was so insensitive that he almost lost his mind on me. 

I put on him faults that didn’t really belong to him because I needed to get rid of all my anger and sorrow, and the only person willing to bear with it seemed to be him. He was willing to pay for sins that weren't his.

I refused to look at him in the eyes, I kept a distance, I remained cold and absent, and oh dear Lord! God knows well I am my father’s joy! I took it all from me on him for the sake of my pointless revenge. 

I’d like to excuse myself by saying I wasn’t aware of my treatments towards him and certainly at the beginning I wasn’t! But once I became aware nothing changed, nothing but a constant feeling of helpless compassion towards him and growing guilt for me.

Couldn’t I see his efforts for bringing me back to my usual self? Couldn’t I feel his overflowed love towards me? Couldn’t I understand his obvious despair? I did. But nothing stopped me nor took me out from the dark hollow I cave for myself where his entrance wasn’t allowed. Even if unconsciously I couldn’t forgive him for not having taught me how to keep you, I couldn’t forgive him his lack of support toward us, I couldn’t forgive his silence over our separation; I couldn’t forgive his insensitivity and as a result, I became insensitive myself towards him. 

I had him telling me he feels sorry for our decision, despite knowing how hard it was for him to let me go and while looking straight into his eyes and with a broken voice I told him he could never understand how hard it was for me losing you and how even after about a year you continued aching deep inside of me. I couldn’t have been less insensitive to him than what you were toward me. And as noble and sweet my father is, he just endured my blameable behaviors towards him for more than a year. 
Has he forgiven all that I did to him out of rage? Till today he keeps on doing anything that would be good for me even if it’s heartbreaking for him, so I’d say he doesn’t even count my faults with him... Do I forgive myself? I understand my reasons and I comfort my conscience with a bunch of explanations that will never justify how horrible I was towards the only man in the whole world that would give until his very last drop of blood for me. 

And as ridiculous as it sounds, you’d continue making fun of my feelings while claiming it’s nothing but a whim. Do I forgive you for your treatments towards me? That relentless coldness and such despicable harshness? As my father and I are like two drops of water, till today and despite my mixed feelings, I’d give until the very last drop of my now-wrecked-blood for you.

Kind people and sweets.

I saw her in the back door of the store, she was going outside and I just followed her without considering my actions could appear threatening to a young woman all alone.

I stopped myself right in the door and I saw her lying down against the wall while looking to the street that was under the bridge, she was about to smoke. As soon as she tried she choked, whether it was her first time or she was having a bad smoking day.

- Are you alright? I said while getting close to her and she just throws a really threatening look at me... I stopped right away, preventing myself from getting any closer. I wonder if she noticed it herself and if she actually meant to, or if I was being oversensitive since I've been wanting to approach her for a long time.

- I am fine, thanks. She said and that look disappeared from her face immediately while she took her hand to her breast like recovering her breath and checking on her own heart's rhythm.

- Sorry. I said without even thinking. I just wanted to help. I said in an apologetic tone and I guess she noticed because she smiled shyly at me and my heartbeat sped up.

- It's alright. It's just my first-time smo... trying to smoke, and it didn't actually work. So I was right about the first option, it's her first time. 

- I am sorry. I said again asking myself why was I apologizing so much.

- It's not your fault that this tastes so bad, nor the fact that it smells terrible... It's not even your fault the reason why I am doing it. She said getting really down and looking at the floor. My heartbeat slowed down as her voice did with each word.

- Why did you do it? I asked her without taking my eyes away from her and I wonder who was this woman, turning me into a completely unknown version of myself.

- You're quite direct, aren't you? Also curious. She said and giggled. I was just happy to be able to get that from her, as small as it was, as perfect as it seemed to me. I am just trying to cope with the pain. Some people recommended me drugs and alcohol; honestly, I held in for a long time and finally decided to give it a try. Alcohol wouldn't work, I am not even able to drink half a glass actually and it tastes horrible so I have no idea about how people even do it. I thought maybe smoking would make it, but I couldn't have been more wrong... She said and a tear rolled over her cheek. Oh, so sorry. She said while cleaning it.

- I am sorry I touched such a topic carelessly. I said in an attempt to come back to my real self and be more connected with her emotions instead than mine.

- Imagine if talking about vices is a "delicate topic", nobody would bring it up always so normally. It's not your fault again... It's me, I am trying to handle my own poisons. I am stuck with the worst one that by attacking my heart has found a way to spread out all over my being. I put the dagger in my breast, not you; there's nothing to be forgiven for. She said and I was nearly speechless.

- Are you a writer? I asked astonished. And she looked at me hesitantly.

- Would that diminish the importance of my words? She asked with a cunning tone.

- Then you are a writer. I said and looked somewhere else not wanting to fall again for the natural charm she laughed for real this time, and my heart betrayed me one more time, of course.

- How unfair! She said and I felt incredibly proud to be able to change her mood... I felt glorious for making her happy while wondering if I could give myself the credit for real. Still, that wasn't unfair, unfair was her being so charming and shaking my heart in such a way constantly.

- You should've warned me you speak so nicely so that I won't get shocked by your words and think what a deep soul you have! I said jokingly and we laughed together.

- I have a deep soul, despite the fact of me being a wri... I write, I don't know if I can call myself a writer though. Anyways, those were my honest thoughts and feelings. She said seriously. Thanks for the nice conversation, you've made it more bearable today. I guess I don't really need drugs and so, I'll stick to kind people and sweets. She said smiling now and while I was trying to recover my breath, she left. And I wonder if she left all alone as I found her or with my heart among her hands.