Where is my mom?

"A baby could kill me" back then she told me and I imagined it could happen but I couldn't believe it'd actually happened. I could have never imagined it would really happen... 

But we wanted a baby so badly. She wanted a baby so badly... and I wanted a baby of her so badly that I thought it'd be fine. I thought wanting a child was not a bad thing.

*big sigh*

I didn't know what an expensive price I would've had to pay. 

I don't regret having a child... but forgive me if I can't handle the fact of having lost my wife. 

I see my child every day and I see her eyes. I see my child every day and I wish him to have her heart... I wonder if I'll ever be able to describe her to him, if my words, my memories would be enough to let him imagine at least, what an amazing woman his mother was.

I still remember the first day I saw her. She was with a black dress and a black veil, and black shoes, it was all black except for her face and her hands. I couldn't stand to look at her for a minute, she was way too bright for me... And I knew I shouldn't look at her that way. 

I remember us back in time, and as we used to get involved in the same activities I couldn't help but think she was... amazing.

*sigh*

I still can't believe she is not here anymore... I am just happy to know my son is small enough not to start asking questions such as "Where is my mom?", because to be honest I wouldn't know what to say. Because to be honest his mom is right here with me. Because to be honest... I'd like to know where is she too.

Vincent van Gogh - “Autumn Landscape with Four Trees”. 

Forever you

- Great! Now I am having hallucinations! For God's sake, my mental sanity was the only thing left for me, how can this be happening? I said aloud and I couldn't believe I was looking at him. It seemed so real... But of course, it was not real. He wouldn't travel this long, he has no reason to do it and he'd never do it, at least not for me. I looked around carefully trying to see if my cruel imagination would invite any girl to his presence but my imaginary him seemed to be alone. I breathed calmly again.

- Why do I even care!? I said annoyed with myself while trying to come back to my book, but seriously, was that him? He could not say I am following him around, I mean hello! I live here and it's the first time I ever see him, but it's him for real? Or maybe a guy that looks a lot like him? Suddenly another boy appeared up calling his name and oh God, I felt dizzy. 

There I was trying my best to hide my face in my book so that I wouldn't be caught, but why was I hiding? Even if I was not stalking him it's true my guilty conscious would remind me of all the insanity I made him go through. And my insanity was just back because there I was thinking about how to move to another table in order to get a bit closer and be able to listen to the conversation, but why should I listen to the conversation!? He wasn't my business anymore, at least that's what he said to me, didn't he? Why would I care if we were walking in the very same city? I mean, not a big deal. I got done with myself so I started packing up my stuff; that was not a place to study anymore, at least not with him around, I could not focus and of course nobody but me would understand that cause even if he'd get to see me he would not care, not even a tiny bit about my presence. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't listen to the steps coming towards me.

- Excuse me. The guy that was next to him was now right in front of me, and this bad habit of opening my mouth when I am too surprised betrayed me cause I was in deep shock. It took me a great amount of will to get back to my senses and be able to say a word.

- Yes? I said with a tiny voice and I was praying to God that you wouldn't come too because my heart was already beating at a speed I couldn't control. Whether a tachycardia would overcome me or I would've started screaming or running to let the anxiety and the excitement go away, but why? Why couldn't I just react like a normal person? Maybe this is why you left me, maybe the reasons you claimed were not the real ones and even yourself did not know that you left me because of how weird I am, because I am not able to take it easy, because I get overexcited like a child, because I barely control my emotions, because, because, because... and there was your friend right in front of me.

- My friend there says he knows you. He said pointing out to the table where you both were sit down but when I looked in the direction his finger was pointing you were not there anymore, I got to see your back while you were walking away though and followed you with my eyes while blushing, because I was looking at you shamelessly, even if I didn't have gotten the guts to watch you right in the face, maybe seeing your back was a gift and was better than being able to see you closer. Also, I couldn't believe you were so tall. Why were you ever scared of me? Have you ever stop yourself to think the "peanut size" I have?  

- There's no one there. I said even when I knew he meant you. Excuse me, I was leaving. I said and my shaking hand said way too much. See? I haven't changed a tiny bit in all these years, my voice get shaken, I get over excited, I shake, I blush, yes... it's everything still in the packet and I don't know why I don't seem to be able to control it, especially when it comes to you. I still felt like flying and I am sure even the butterflies would have come to my stomach if you would've talked to me! Was I a "lost cause" for real? Can please someone else come and save me from my own feelings? 

Your friend just moved aside and I started walking, I thought about calling a taxi in order to run away from everything, but at the same time, the slightest hope was still stored in my heart prohibiting me to go in such way because what if you try talking to me? What if you turn around? What if? What if? What if? Seriously my heart couldn't take such amount of emotions, it reminded me of when I fell for you and all those lovely emotions you used to bring me; but now it was a bit different, even if I was happy to see you, even if I was still holding onto the last pieces of hope, even if I continue to think of you only, everything was bittersweet because it was not only the perfect you coming to my mind, but the "you with your problems", the "you with the secrets", the "you with the lack of love", the "you that kept on hurting me along the relationship" even when I know better you never meant to. 
But see? As the years pass and I grow older, I meet more people and it's true when you used to say that not every single girl would stand that kind of relationship due to your situation as I was standing; but it's also true there's no boy I have gotten really interested in after you, maybe the "you with your problems", the "you with your secrets", the "you with lack of love" was okay because I continue thinking I could help to solve those problems, solve those secrets disguised as mysteries, turn that almost absent love in bright and clean love... but I didn't have time enough to prove myself, and I didn't have strength enough back them to wait for it. 
Certainly, I'd come back to you running, because it's still you, only you and no one else but you. Even if for you have never been really me... Maybe that's why I always took you just the way you are while you kept on trying to change my natural self into your ideal self, into that ideal girl of your dreams I am not and will never be.

Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

Timeout

She started packing her bags and I frankly didn't understand what was going on... I don't even know when everything started, I just know one day I noticed she wasn't the same towards me anymore and it didn't matter how much I'd try to bring the topic up, she'd deny any kind of disturbance between us and honestly I was just too afraid to face it... She just didn't seem to be the girl that fell for me that night in December.

She wasn't shedding a tear and she seemed so disconnected... my crying baby turned into an insensible being out of the blue, and there she was just looking at the floor without saying a word, making me feel more and more impotent! I could feel my levels of anxiety hit the top in a matter of seconds, I wasn't ready to lose her but I felt my hands tied up because she wouldn't tell me what to do, she just remained in that state of inertia that was doing nothing for us but driving me crazy. After saying she doesn't feel as she used to towards me, suddenly she was about to leave my life in the same way she came in, when did this happen? What went wrong? 

- What should I do? I insisted and I wished her to say something, to let me feel we were still in the same symphony, but I don't know at what moment we started playing a different song. I tried hard to find the exact moment, but all that came to my mind was fight after a fight during the last months and her pretending that everything is alright, yes, pretending because I knew her well enough to claim that she wasn't acting normal... she didn't seem to be comfortable nor happy around me anymore; even if she'd say the opposite.

- Nothing really, I just need some time out. A timeout? My ears couldn't admit what they heard. Timeout? What was that? I mean... Why would she request such a thing? And why the hell was she making her bags if she needed just "some" time out? What was I for her now, some sort of toy she can use and let go of as she pleases? And why was she acting like a victim when it was her leaving me? 

- I give you two days. I said angrily. Did she even understand what it means to me to be without her for two days? Why weren't we talking and solving that mess? Why was she crying for now? Where was she going? What happened? When did it happen?

- Nothing will change in two days, I need more time. I don't feel anything... When she said so I felt the floor over my feet moving, was she serious? After more than a year together she said that so plainly? Did it even mean anything to her? Why did I feel her so distant and cold? She wasn't my girlfriend anymore... someone replaced her and I was talking with a complete stranger. She would've never talked to me in such a way, I knew her better and she was so much better than this! Was it her or me though? Who went wrong? I made mistakes but I was willing to fix them for her, I was willing to do what it's needed for the sake of our relationship, why did she appear so unwilling though? Why wasn't she saying anything?!

- Do you still want to be my girlfriend? I asked and panicked over a slight silence. What? I looked at her perplexed. What happened to her incessant love? Where was her boundless sweetness? Was it her for real? When did I lose her? What did I do for her to turn this way? A tear rolled over my face because I felt like a piece of garbage... it couldn't be her acting this way by herself, it must have been me. I wronged her, I wronged her so much that she couldn't take it anymore; now she was acting like this towards me, she was making me pay for my own actions. I couldn't take it anymore and sat down on the couch between the door and the bed.

- You are thinking about it... It's the first time you do it; in the past, you would just have said "yes" immediately. I said shocked.

- I don't know... I just need time. She said and I laughed without even wanting due to the absurdity of everything. Oh no, I wasn't going to let things stop there. Hell no.

- Two days, think well about it. I said before leaving the room myself, she wasn't in charge; certainly, my pride wasn't going to take it. Not even now. I had to take these with my bare hands because she didn't know how in the world to solve a damned problem of that magnitude.

- I know nothing will change in two days. She said while letting the bags go and letting herself fall into the corner of the bed. Then I'll just stay here waiting for my feelings to get back in their right place. She said looking at the door and I felt her wish to go so badly that it broke me, even if I was already in pieces.

- Your feelings won't just go back. Whether you love me or not. I claimed, she took her bags again and was about to leave the room.

- If you leave there's no way back. I said and I can swear it was more heartbreaking for me than for the disheartened person in front of me. I could swear she wasn't herself. 

- Goodbye. She said and I felt the drive to jump into the door and block her way out but I was way too tired to do anything, she was my main source of strength and without her, I was losing it. 
Was that seriously happening? I lost my appetite, my strength, my life drive... everything fell apart and I wonder if she'd ever come back and fix it and if I'll ever be able to forgive her for this. I wonder at what moment our love story turned into this hellish thing and as unbelievable as it was I still wanted her in my life, all I wanted was her in my life, whether I was the biggest idiot in humankind's history or she was a real sorceress and caught me, I couldn't tell anymore... the image of an angel was still stuck in my heart, even if my brain would refuse such statement.

La mia cucina

"Hello dear followers! Welcome again to my own little world. I know I have been a bit absent lately, I've been kind of busy trying to become a better cooker even if I am not a big fan of it, so I'll show you all a piece della mia cucina!" She said while holding the video-camera and recording the plates placed all over the table.

Penne with tuna and tomatoes (Ph. by Madelaine Bustamante)

Fusilli al forno con zucchine e ricotta (Ph. by Madelaine Bustamante)

Chicken Parmigiana (Ph. by Madelaine Bustamante)

Oh! This is why you cooked all this today. He said laughing and she stopped recording and looked at him with a grim face.

You notice you almost ruined my shot, don't you? She asked while turning off the video-camera and sitting down. Also, you talk like if I never cook... I've been cooking the whole week. She said and pouted. 

Come on, you know I am just teasing you. He said sitting down in the chair next to her and holding a fork to start eating the spaghetti. 

Alright then. I am always cooking delicious food for you, I just wanted to share it with my followers. She said smiling while winding around his left arm. 

Let's not exaggerate though. You don't cook every day. Also... why is there so much pasta? He asked surprised while looking the whole table.

I got a bit excited with the pasta section when I did the grocery shopping... She said hiding her face in his arm. Also, pasta is the easiest thing to prepare and pretty much my best plate. She said faking a big smile.

Then I asked myself how it comes the money disappear in this house. I forgot I have a magician here. He said between annoyed and funny.

I am a grocery shopping enchanted fairy! She said proudly letting go his arm and raising her left hand and arm.

That's nothing to be proud about. He said and laughed.

At least you eat well. You should be thankful with me instead, my followers would love to have a wife like me I am sure. She said arrogantly and held the fork.

Your followers don't know it took you around four years to prepare a simple pasta properly, they don't know you used to believe ketchup is tomato sauce, they don't know how many times you've forgotten to add salt to the food, they don't know how many times you've added way too much salt to the food, they don't know how many times you have to put the food in the oven or the pan again cause it's not fully cooked. Believe me, they don't know so many things. He said provoking her and smiled slyly.

You're too much. She said now truly sad, all playful trail disappear of her face and she started eating.

Come on, you know I am kidding. I couldn't be happier have experienced all this next to you. I wouldn't have liked anyone but me to live all this next to you. He said consoling her while hugging her and she sighed.

I love you. She said and hugged him tightly.

NOTE: All the meals have been cooked by me for real, just saying.

SECOND NOTE: Recently discovered that's not "real" parmigiana.

Be right back

- Just go. He said holding his daughter in his right arm while standing in the lobby next to his wife who had a pink and black carry-on bag with her.

- I can't do this... It's too much for me. She said with a worried expression.

- Come on. You have wanted this forever. You can finally talk about your work and get more people interested in your research. Wasn't that what you were waiting for? He asked trying to pursue her and pointing out the front door with his left arm.

- Yes, but not like this! I can't leave my family for a whole week, this makes no sense! I just can not. Also Canada? Why so far? I can barely stand to go to another city... I mean, look at her, she's so little... she can't make it without her mom. She said while looking tenderly to the baby girl that was comfortably laid down on her father's shoulder. 
Suddenly a toddler showed up and raised his arms right in front of her like asking to be held. - Oh, my love! She said and held him immediately.

- Luna, I can handle it. I will take care of both well, don't worry. He said while trying to hold the toddler in his left arm, but the big baby boy pressed himself against his mother breast and put his little arms around her neck like saying he won't let her go.

- Can you really? She asked in anguish while kissing her son's hair and caressing softly his little back.

- Yes, I am sure. I am their father! Of course I know how to take care of my kids. He said with an annoyed tone of voice and she felt unease since now her husband seemed to start to get mad.

- You know I trust you, my love; I am just worried. She said while giving him a small kiss and looked at him right in the eyes like trying to tell him without saying anything else how hard that was for her. He just hugged her and she felt comforted after tasting that piece of heaven that happened to be his arms even after all these years together. Then he let go of her and smiled sweetly.

- Go, love. We will be fine. He said trying to calm her down when a light meow sounded in the background and they both laughed.

- Don't forget to feed him! She said smiling openly.

- I won't. Good luck, pretty. Her husband said and she finally put her son on the floor while kissing him and hugging him tightly.
- It's alright honey, mommy will be right back. Play with daddy. She said looking at the tons of games scattered all around the living room and she picked up a lego piece that was near her and gave it to her son, the child seemed to be happy and started picking up the rest of pieces.
- I love you. She said holding her husband hand and finally got the courage to leave the house.

Photo by Madelaine Bustamante

She couldn't even remember the last time she had to be without her kids, even when they were so little, she felt she had been a mother and wife for all her life. She couldn't even remember the last time she traveled without her husband. He wasn't only her husband but her travel partner, her best friend, and her most important supporter. He couldn't imagine what would have been her life without him and that tenacity of his that would pull them together even in the hardest times. She was certainly like the wind, always going from one place to another, not just in life but in her decisions in general; but he has always been her firm pillar that wouldn't let the relationship go down and she was deeply thankful with him. She couldn't admire her husband more than what she did.
She was happy since her paper got such amazing acceptance in the field, but the idea of leaving her family now seemed surreal for her; working for the last couple on months since home in her research and her new book made her forget she ever worked outside of home, after all, she was taking her deserved vacations from the University's teachings since she got birth her second child. 
She was already missing her family and feeling like the most blessed woman in the world at the same time by thinking she had such a supportive and trustworthy husband, who was always there for her. He wasn't just a lovely husband but an amazing father, she couldn't deny his shortcomings such as his strong character that could be a pain in the neck at times; but still he'd always think her husband was the best choice and her kids were part of the package, but he was certainly her biggest joy and she was nothing but amazed to have been gifted with such beautiful family by God.

The broken

And for some strange reason, I couldn't write anymore... it felt like the words were stuck in my neck, in my fingers, about to go out but never actually doing it. I just thought about him and his perfect image hit me with such strength that I thought for a second that he really wanted to destroy me.

- What is that you want to ask? He asked calmly and I seriously wanted to get crazy on him. I wanted to start breaking everything in the house if we would've had a house; I wanted to know if all that was worth, all the pain, the problems, the discussions. I wanted him to assure me that all that I was giving up for him was worthy because he loved me, and if not then I wanted to know if our relationship was falling and if it wasn't just me overthinking.

But I was just too afraid to ask: "Do you still love me?", "Have you ever loved me?", "What am I for you?" Those questions that I asked him in one or another way many times before and always seemed to get the wrong answers; and for the first time ever I was too tired to get along with his silence, with his secrets, with his mystery, I was drained. There was the man whom I was offering my whole life but I wasn't sure whether he even loved me.

- You're not ready for this. I am not ready for this. I answered begging to the sky for him not to insist, not to ask again, not to break my heart in such a cruel way; because this was the last time I'd allow him such imprudence, if he'd insisted, I'd had to let him go even if I wasn't ready to do so.

- I am ready for anything, just ask me. He said and I really wished he was ready for the question I was going to make because my heart was hanging by a thread.

- Do you love me? I felt how all my pride fell to the floor because I never listened to that from him but had to ask myself; I felt my heart getting broken into thousands and thousands of pieces because his silence said it all; I felt my world falling apart because I'd built up my whole life around him because he meant everything... absolutely everything to me; but if he wasn't loving me at that point, there was nothing that could ever make him love me. I already gave him all I could, there was nothing left for me to offer him so that he could love me.

- Let's talk tomorrow. That was his answer and it hit me like a bucket of cold water, no... it was more like snowballs hitting me strongly on a winter day in the coldest place in the world anyone can imagine. I lost it all after that.

After that everything changed... I just felt how in a matter of seconds my depression got deeper in such a way that was scary but I didn't have the guts to tell him why. I didn't want to pressure his feelings on me, but I also didn't want to go on in a relationship with someone that doesn't love me, nevertheless, I couldn't let him go. I didn't want to give up on him but by going against the waves I was hurting myself deeply. 
I started living in hell day after day, even when life was hell since a long time ago don't ask me how it suddenly became just worse; the freshwater that he was throwing in my days suddenly stopped refreshing me. And even when I didn't mean to, my pain spread so much that it reached him.

The days passed by and I felt I was turning into a real danger to myself, this whole situation was out of my hands and I just needed it to stop. Whether emotionally or physically I was being killed by my own hand.

- What can I do? What do you want me to do? He asked insistently and I felt over and over again how the words refused to pop up, how they hid inside my heart preventing another homicide; instead, he was also struggling because of my silence.

- Nothing, really. I couldn't ask him to love me... it was useless.

- I'll do whatever you ask me to, I put my life in your hands. He said so sweetly but his words sounded like a lie. Why would someone that doesn't love me offer me such a huge thing as his own life? Whether he loved me but couldn't acknowledge it, or I was missing a point and couldn't get to it unless he himself would explain it to me. There was something wrong in all that I couldn't tell exactly what was it... 
I was just making him unhappier, making myself unhappy, making us unhappy, until one day he decided it was enough and throw me away expecting me to go back crawling to him... not keeping in mind that I didn't even have the strength to crawl back then. Even with all the love stored in my heart for him, I didn't have the power to go through all our turbulences while knowing I wasn't being loved. I could take anything from him, except for him not feeling me at all.

I was just way too broken to make anything right... but that he couldn't see it. He was way too broken to make anything right at that very moment as well... but I just couldn't see it.

(Photo and drawing by Madelaine Bustamante)
How does a romantic fall out of love?

The concert.

Tasnim was deeply sleep when a hit made the car shake waking her up.

- What...? She said pushing away the hat from her face and opening her eyes, annoyed by the sunlight.

- We ran out of gas! Agatha said in despair while moving her hands and arms hysterically.

- Don't we have more? Nicoletta asked putting down her purple sunglasses and playing with her dark hair with the other one; while looking to Carlos directly in the eyes. 

- Actually no... Her boyfriend looked at her with a "I am sorry" face.

- Are you kidding me? Tasnim said sitting down immediately and started fixing her black veil. 

- No, Tasi. I thought we were going to travel three hours only so the gas was more than enough, then you girls changed plans this morning and I totally forgot.

- We're going to die... I am going to pray my last Hail Mary's. Agatha said. Nobody could believe that blondie was devoted and dedicated catholic, her blue and apparently seductive eyes due to the light make up would have never let you know it though.

- Are you serious? I have to pray too then. I need some water to wash myself and I need my carpet and... I am lost. Why didn't I bring anything with me? The girl in veil asked now looking really concerned to Aga. Nila and Carlos bursted in laughs. The girls looked at them immediately profoundly indignant.

- I didn't want to come! I told you that concert has nothing to do with me! Tasnim screamed.

- But you said you wanted to see the city... Also we were going to hang out around before the concert and you said you were going to meet the mosque there. You were happy about coming! Nicoletta said now a bit annoyed now while thinking about what to do and looked at Carlos who was in his phone. Agatha was compulsively reciting her Ave Maria's and Tasnim started crying.

- We're half way. Carlos said looking at Agatha. I could asked Romeo to come and pick us, but I don't know if we'll have any time to tour before the concert. Sorry Tas. He said turning around in his sit giving and apologizing look to her, while she cleared up her tears.

- Thank God. Tasi said. It's okay Carlos, thanks. She said now calm.

- Thank God indeed. Agatha said smiling and Nicoletta started laughing.

- Thank you, my love. I'd be lost without you. Nicoletta said to Carlos and pecked him. Can someone again remind me why in the world did I bring my boyfriend for this insane trip with my crazy friends? He could be at home watching sports and not losing his mind with three babies! She said joyfully and everybody laughed.

- Thanks, Carlos! Tasnim and Agatha said at the same time and kept on laughing.

- But seriously, Tasi, a carpet? Wash yourself? In the middle of nothing? Do you really take a shower and a carpet everywhere? I mean, I have seen you prayed in your extra sweater or that extra veil you usually take with you, but... Nila asked skeptical.

- To pray is always good. Agatha said and Tasnim laughed.

- It is! Tasnim answered smiling and holding Aga's hand. Other girls take a small carpet on their bags usually, I just don't like to carry heavy things with me. I mean I already carry my laptop and my drawing notebook and my notebook and a bunch of things more... But yes, during kind of long trips I tell myself better to be ready. Tasnim said and sighed.

- Will he be there? Agatha asked.

- Will he!? Nicoletta asked turning around and looking to Tasnim alarmed. Carlos left the car to talk on the phone.

- I don't know... Tasnim answered embarrassed. I saw him on the break time yesterday but he was talking with his friends so I couldn't approach him... Also I didn't have any excuse to do it. She said now bitting her thumb nail and pretty much covering her whole mouth.

- Oh my! Agatha said disappointed. You should just invite him to the mosque you attend! He'll surely go! He seems really nice and easy-going from a far. 

- Maybe he will say yes... Or maybe not. In any case, you could approach him with any excuse! Nicoletta said frustrated.

- Last time I approached him asking if she knows Luisa because I saw them talking and I was needing to reach her, he gave me her number; before that I asked him if he knew what metro should I take to get to my aunt's home since he knows better this city; and before that I asked him what classes he took this semester! I can't continue doing it! He'll notice if I don't appear up with a proper question so that he won't notice! I can't be like "Hey, Jhon! Would you like to go to the mosque today with me?" or "Hey! My friends told me about this awesome movie, want to go to the movies?" Seriously girls! Are you trying to take me to my grave?! Tasnim said and started laughing and so did her friends.

- But you could just... Agatha said before getting interrupted.

- Of course because whenever you see Mateo at the church you walk right to him and start talking about the weather. Tasnim said ironically. Mateo seems like a really nice guy too.

- It actually works. Nicoletta said. My psychologist told me to do it, to talk to people about whatever, so when I met Carlos I didn't know what to talk about, but I didn't want to lose the chance of getting to know the first guy I have come to like after Francis. So I went to him and told him "I think today is going to rain, did you bring an umbrella?" And he laughed. That's how everything started.

- Well, Carlos is a sweetheart! John isn't precisely "sweet", I mean, he is cute but... not like cute-sweet, just cute like a child, but I don't know... Tasnim said concerned.

- You don't go to the church to talk with boys... Agatha said a bit annoyed and laughed.

- True. Tasnim said.

- Are you going to his house then, so that you could approach him? Also, you're in that catechesis thing on saturdays and he goes there too; you guys don't give those classes at the church but your sister' school, then? Nicoletta said trying to motivate her and Carlos got into the car again. The girls stayed in absolute silence.
- True. Tasnim said again.

- Scary... What were you girls talking about? Carlos said and everybody in the car started laughing. Romeo is on his way. We may have one hour to hang around and then we can attend the concert. By the way Tasnim, he told me he's coming with a friend of yours... Mateo I think he said. The girls were in shock. That Mateo isn't going to the concert so you could hang around with him in the meantime, the concert won't last more than a couple of hours and this guy knows well the town because his family lives here. Tasnim started laughing.

- God's will. Agatha said and Tasnim laughed even harder and Nicoletta joined.

- You girls have definitely lost it. As long as you don't drag my girlfriend with you, I am fine. He said intertwining his fingers with Nila's, they looked at each other smiling in complicity.