Dove sei adesso?

First Scene

- I am letting you know this with huge pain, and with so much sadness... your grandmother, my beloved mother, passed away. My father said and I frankly could not believe it... my stolen heart got broken because I knew his heart was broken and his pain was my pain and his sorrow was my sorrow...

- Stay strong, daddy. You are not alone, you have your children with you, we love you. It was all I could write and I felt like an ungrateful daughter because I was not right by his side to provide him with care and attention, especially in a crucial moment like this. But at the same time, I had my responsibilities, and sad as it sounds I couldn't go there just to hug him even if my soul left a long time ago to do it.

And this may sound absurd but I felt your absence so clearly... I wish I could reach out to you so that you could give me a hug, breaking the distance, I felt I needed you more than ever and I wonder who was there for you when you were going through harder times than usual. To be honest, as you know well, I am never truly alone, there's always someone reaching out his or her hand and letting me know it's going to be alright, but even now... I keep on looking around to see if I can find that one hand that committed with me to never leave me... 

You know I've forgiven you many things, many mistreatments, and hard words, but I just can't seem to succeed in forgiving you about this particular promise. It was hard to get you promising such a thing and I, foolishly, believed you weren't going to leave since you've promised it... I was afraid, yes, but that promise made me feel a bit safe. It is hard to look around and see the man that took my heart with him wasn't by my side anymore, you've stolen my heart and I am sure about it because even in moments like this, I can only miss you more. I guess I will never get over the fact of you leaving me, even after claiming over and over again that you wouldn't, because in the end, I was seriously thinking you were not going to.

Second Scene

I woke up unsettled, I was having a terrible dream with tons of bad emotions: my grandmother passed away, my dad was all broken and I was falling apart because you were not there with me, I don't know what was the worse part of the dream but my immediate reaction when I saw you lay down next to me was to hug you, even risking to wake you up, I couldn't hold it in.

- Cutie, are you okay? You said waking up and I turned on the lamp next to me and I saw your face. I couldn't stop crying... how could you have such a beautiful face? You were gorgeous to me and I know even if you were having the worse day ever, your face would still have remained as the epitome of beauty for me. I held your face in my hands and kissed it all over, I caressed your hair and I calmed my heart by reminding him you were mine, you were still mine and that wasn't going to change. Then I curled up in your arms and sighed, how good life felt as long as I could feel so good at home.

Third Scene

I woke up in tears, I was having a dream... you and I were together, but I was also having a bad dream inside my dream about us not being together. I guess my dreams aren't much of a dream but most of reality. I am so tired right now... and all I can think about is that you owe me one hug, that last hug I asked you for and you refused to give me because you didn't want to give me one "last" hug, I wish you can pay that debt right now, but I am sure about if I ask for it you'll only deny your debt by not acknowledge it and keep on calling me names only for being the way I am towards you. 

Do you know? You did your part in all this, didn't I warn you about my personality before letting you come into my life? Didn't I say it was hard to get rid of me? Didn't I say it was difficult for me to let go? Didn't I say I don't actually know how to let go? But wait, I think the most important questions are: Weren't you the one saying you'll never go and I should not worry about it? Weren't you the one asking me to trust you since you wouldn't hurt me? Weren't you the one wanting to grow old by my side? I might have done my mistakes, I am surely not perfect and my willpower isn't the strongest I've ever seen in a person, but I meant what I said. Unlike what you continue repeating about me "talking big", I dare to say I talk with my heart most of the time and even if my actions many times don't match, my heart remains the same even when broken... maybe my brain gets in charge when there's too much to bear with so that my heart goes second, but my heart is still the same. I don't remember a single time thinking I am in love with another man than you, truly imagining a future with another man than you, trying so hard to fit someone as I did with you, bearing with so many emotions even if they were bad as I did with you. See? I just don't see myself ever having loved someone else but you, indeed love was not enough, I had to do more but in my defense, I was still trying and as long as I was trying I was on my way and you putting yourself out of my life is just a violation of the law for me and towards me, what to do now? Should I detain you for the unfulfillment of your contract? It is funny to think you'd only say I am crazy and get mad at me as usual, but if we look at my speech then the logic and my clear mind leads to a valid argument and gets a point. Still, I know well enough that you'd know how to fight it back, and no matter what I say you'll always be right and I'll always be wrong. But then again, where are you now? The man who said no one else will ever own me since you'll make me your wife. 

I am sharing this one since I can't find the one where you promised not to ever leave and I can't keep on searching because I've cried much enough for today.

Don't ever leave me...

- What do you want to do after lunch? He asked while they were walking holding hands.

- Whatever you want. She said while looking at the floor.

- Come on, tell me. He insisted.

- Whatever I want? She asked looking at him now.

- Yes. He said falling in the deep of her eyes.

- I want to eat ice cream. She said and he couldn't believe she had said such thing with a serious face, and sighed.

- Alright, let's go for an ice cream for the baby. He said making fun of her.

- I am not a baby! "Dai"! I mean, people from all ages eat ice cream, no? She said trying to make her point.

- Yes, but only you take it so seriously. He said laughing.

- No, I do it because I don't know whether you'll allow me or not, so not to put my hopes up in advance... She said making a pout and he laughed harder now.

- Well, you're a grown-up girl, you must know what's better for you. He said smiling but with that tone of voice that allows her to know she better takes good care of herself. She frees her hand and held his arm.

- Done! This is the best for me! She said laughing and holding his arm with both hands like not ever letting go and it felt like home for her, and he laughed.

- What a cheater my girl is! He said joking, but suddenly her laugh wasn't audible anymore and her face wasn't visible since she submerged in his arm. - Cutie? He asked still and she looked at him with eyes full of tears.
- Don't ever go again... just do not. She said anxiously and he hugged her.
- I should be the one saying that. He answered.
- I love you... and whatever I do or say would never be enough to let you know how much, but I do.... I did in the past, I do now and I will always do it... You're my only love, no matter what. She said and he hugged her tighter. This time nothing was going to separate them and he was going to make himself sure of that.

Just a hug

Picture by Madelaine Bustamante

When they left the restaurant she still couldn't believe he offered her his food so openly; she felt he was offering his heart in a plate, there was some kind of analogy between love and food in her unconscious mind. Somehow she felt beloved and that feeling again was both refreshing and scary at the same time.

- Give me a hug. He asked.

- What? She asked completely embarrassed, looking around, being conscious about the crystal wall of the restaurant was allowing everybody inside to see, what was happening outside.

- I want a hug. He said making a pout and she couldn't take it anymore and started running.

- I'm going to ring the doorbell of your apartment and tell your roommates to let me in! She screamed  while smiling and saw him there stood for a short while but she kept on running, taking advantage of the few minutes she imagined he would need to realize she was seriously not coming back.

- Wait! He said and started running after her. She smiled and she acknowledged herself defeated in advanced for her insides. He and his sweetness towards her were not going to let that be.

I prefer it that way

I came in and found her staring straight at some paper on the table so I walked towards it and couldn't believe what I found.

- A flight ticket to...! What have you done now? He told you to stay away! What in the world have you done now? I asked extremely irritated, I was simply done with her irrational behaviors about this matter, I was done fighting with her and trying to convince her to pursue what's better for her, what's better for him! For their own's sake, they should remain separated. She started crying while sitting down and looking at the floor.

- You're not going anywhere! I said and broke that ticket in tons of pieces just reminding myself that it was a piece of paper she could print as many times as she wanted.

I walked out the run annoyed with the whole situation, but entering the bedroom only made things worse... There was a bag already done on the bed, I opened it and there was nothing. An empty bag! She was taking with her an empty bag! I walked out of the run profoundly desperate, thinking whether I should truly lock her in a mental institution or keep on trying but actually I couldn't handle such insanity anymore.

- If he meets you he's going to be so mad! He'll shut the door on your very face! What if you don't meet one person but two? I said anxious and she just looked straight at me like wanting to kill me with her eyes.

- At this rhythm you're going to kill all of us, we can't bear it anymore... I said softly now expecting for some reminders of humanity inside of her but she only covered her eyes like admitting she was ashamed but at the same refusing to give up on the idea. I couldn't take it anymore, this state of passivity was taking me nowhere. I started hitting her uncontrollably, her arms, her head, her legs, her hands, I wanted to destroy her with my own hands! I wanted to destroy her myself before than allowing her to destroy herself, before than allowing him to destroy her in such despicable way! 

- You are not! You're not going after him anymore! You better pull yourself together because I am not rescuing you not even one more time from the hole you fall in whenever you exchange words with him! He doesn't want you in his life anymore! Do you understand that? I said and I stopped myself when I saw the mirror and I saw her nose bleeding... and all those scratches all over her body... What was I doing? What was left for her if I'd leave her? My tears started falling and I let myself fell down on the couch.

- I am sorry... I am so sorry... I said over and over again extremely surprised and embarrassed of such reproachable behavior but at the same time overwhelmed. How could I made her understand he destructed us by leaving but she was damaging us by coming back over and over again to him when she knew his answers in advance.

- I believe there's someone else... but I prefer to die with the uncertainty than ever get to know he's actually holding someone else in his heart, I prefer to bury myself over and over again fantasizing him sharing his life with someone else than ever getting to see such image, I prefer to be murdered every night by the jealousy going through my veins than he admitting someone else is going to refugee herself in the warmness of his arms, I prefer the lack of oxygen than ever truly accepting all the words he said to me mean nothing to him today, I prefer eternal loneliness that ever gives myself to someone else by acknowledging that man doesn't belong in my life anymore. I may be sick, but I prefer to die slowly with this sickness inside myself than ever letting go all we had. You're not allowed to follow him anymore, you're not allowed to call him, you're not allowed to contact him, you're not allowed to appear in front of him because if you do, it'll be the very end of the last piece that has been left for us of him. I said while looking at my harm hands and thought how right he was about the "self-destructive" word, I just stayed there... looking at the tiny pieces of paper of my flight on the floor, I'd have to cancel it.

Photo by Madelaine Bustamante

“Prayer: 'Oh God! May I be alive when I die.'” 

(Winnicott, C. 1989)

Poema de Alejandra Pizarnik

En esta noche, en este mundo

Picture taken by Madelaine Bustamante A Martha Isabel Moia

I en esta noche en este mundo las palabras del sueño de la infancia de la muerte nunca es eso lo que uno quiere decir la lengua natal castra la lengua es un órgano de conocimiento del fracaso de todo poema castrado por su propia lengua que es el órgano de la re-creación del re-conocimiento pero no el de la resurrección de algo a modo de negación de mi horizonte de maldoror con su perro y nada es promesa entre lo decible que equivale a mentir (todo lo que se puede decir es mentira) el resto es silencio sólo que el silencio no existe II no las palabras no hacen el amor hacen la ausencia si digo agua ¿beberé? si digo pan ¿comeré? III en esta noche en este mundo extraordinario silencio el de esta noche lo que pasa con el alma es que no se ve lo que pasa con la mente es que no se ve lo que pasa con el espíritu es que no se ve ¿de dónde viene esta conspiración de invisibilidades? ninguna palabra es visible sombras recintos viscosos donde se oculta la piedra de la locura corredores negros los he recorrido todos ¡oh quédate un poco más entre nosotros! mi persona está herida mi primera persona del singular escribo como quien con un cuchillo alzado en la oscuridad escribo como estoy diciendo la sinceridad absoluta continuaría siendo lo imposible ¡oh quédate un poco más entre nosotros! IV los deterioros de las palabras deshabitando el palacio del lenguaje el conocimiento entre las piernas ¿qué hiciste del don del sexo? oh mis muertos me los comí me atraganté no puedo más de no poder más palabras embozadas todo se desliza hacia la negra licuefacción V y el perro de maldoror en esta noche en este mundo donde todo es posible salvo el poema VI hablo en fácil hablo en difícil sabiendo que no se trata de eso siempre no se trata de eso oh ayúdame a escribir el poema más prescindible                el que no sirva ni para                ser inservible ayúdame a escribir palabras en esta noche en este mundo                                                               8 de octubre de 1971 De: Textos de sombra y últimos poemas. ALEJANDRA PIZARNIK. #UnGiornoTreAutunni #CaroRiccino

Unanswer questions

I went into the classroom smoothly, I am always trying my best to do everything as quietly as possible so that any look turn to me, and I saw him... He was playing the piano right in front of me in that small room and for a second I thought I was dreaming and such magical moment couldn't be happening for real, but it was happening and I got to know it because it lasts for a matter of seconds only, until my friend broke up and he realized about he was not alone and stopped playing.

- I am sorry, do we interrupt you? I asked begging him to keep on playing inside of me, but I guess my begs didn't reach him since he didn't continue.

- Not at all. He answered smiling and came back to his seat, leaving that piano crying alone for him to come back; but I guess he didn't listen because he didn't continue playing.

I started wondering myself if I could sit down next to him, after all, there was only one seat separating us and me moving one seat next to him wouldn't be a big deal since all my classmates probably noticed until now how hard is for me to pick a bench. But I stayed right there, I couldn't take the risk because my face is way too obvious and I was trying hard to keep it clean; still deep inside I wish he'd move that one seat removing the space between us, opening a door for us to say hi and break that silence I tend to invite people from the other sex to. I guess he didn't listen to my inner feelings because he didn't move that one seat and I remained there wishing next time he will.

It was funny to think I could even care about his presence, especially considering our classes started short time ago, I barely knew him and the only moments I could actually look at him was when he was saying something to the teacher and the classroom during the class, otherwise my eyes wouldn't meet him no matter what. 

I was wondering if the joke he did to me last class meant anything to him... I would've liked to tell him it meant something to me, even when I was talking about someone that "apparently" means everything to me. I just couldn't, the conflicts inside of me would meet with each other and remind myself that I am thinking about swimming in dangerous waters, so I just stayed there with my bunch of unanswered questions inside of me. Because I wasn't going to take any risk and when you look from afar everything is safer; and when it comes to emotions, I was that kind of girl, the safe-type one, even if in most of the life matters I was as carefree as a bird. 
I am a bird, but I guess he didn't listen to my inner soul because he thought I like the beach when I am most of a sky-girl.

Picture by Madelaine Bustamante

I am not a perfect person.

Drawing and Picture by Madelaine Bustamante

Maybe the reason why I emphasize so much the fact of me continuing working at the hospital after we stopped talking is because of how hard it was for me to keep on doing it. 

Actually, it was so hard that I stopped caring about having patients or not, even when I used to have patients all the time due to my constant advertisement about a psychologist's labour in the health center; it was so hard that my tutor reprimanded me and asked me what was going on and I was so broken that I just let her know the reason for my current mood status; it was so hard that I would obligate myself to get ready to go to work even when I would barely sleep and spend the most of my day crying at home, but I had to go remembering myself that I wouldn't get my degree if I didn't work for it; it was so hard that I'd cry on my way to the hospital and on my way back, in the public transportation, thinking about you...

You may not understand but I was suppose to heal hearts, because that's my work about, more than healing minds it is about healing hearts; but how could I heal a broken heart when my own was broken in thousands of pieces at the very moment? I can't even explain the difficulty to focus and hold in my tears when any patient would mention things that I may relate to you, it was like a real test to my professionalism! And at the same time a life-test in general.

It may result absurd, me mentioning these things just now; but I wanted to clear this point up because I, foolishly, keep on making it appear like if it was so easy for me... when in reality it was one of the most awful times of my whole life.