I prefer it that way

I came in and found her staring straight at some paper on the table so I walked towards it and couldn't believe what I found.

- A flight ticket to...! What have you done now? He told you to stay away! What in the world have you done now? I asked extremely irritated, I was simply done with her irrational behaviors about this matter, I was done fighting with her and trying to convince her to pursue what's better for her, what's better for him! For their own's sake, they should remain separated. She started crying while sitting down and looking at the floor.

- You're not going anywhere! I said and broke that ticket in tons of pieces just reminding myself that it was a piece of paper she could print as many times as she wanted.

I walked out the run annoyed with the whole situation, but entering the bedroom only made things worse... There was a bag already done on the bed, I opened it and there was nothing. An empty bag! She was taking with her an empty bag! I walked out of the run profoundly desperate, thinking whether I should truly lock her in a mental institution or keep on trying but actually I couldn't handle such insanity anymore.

- If he meets you he's going to be so mad! He'll shut the door on your very face! What if you don't meet one person but two? I said anxious and she just looked straight at me like wanting to kill me with her eyes.

- At this rhythm you're going to kill all of us, we can't bear it anymore... I said softly now expecting for some reminders of humanity inside of her but she only covered her eyes like admitting she was ashamed but at the same refusing to give up on the idea. I couldn't take it anymore, this state of passivity was taking me nowhere. I started hitting her uncontrollably, her arms, her head, her legs, her hands, I wanted to destroy her with my own hands! I wanted to destroy her myself before than allowing her to destroy herself, before than allowing him to destroy her in such despicable way! 

- You are not! You're not going after him anymore! You better pull yourself together because I am not rescuing you not even one more time from the hole you fall in whenever you exchange words with him! He doesn't want you in his life anymore! Do you understand that? I said and I stopped myself when I saw the mirror and I saw her nose bleeding... and all those scratches all over her body... What was I doing? What was left for her if I'd leave her? My tears started falling and I let myself fell down on the couch.

- I am sorry... I am so sorry... I said over and over again extremely surprised and embarrassed of such reproachable behavior but at the same time overwhelmed. How could I made her understand he destructed us by leaving but she was damaging us by coming back over and over again to him when she knew his answers in advance.

- I believe there's someone else... but I prefer to die with the uncertainty than ever get to know he's actually holding someone else in his heart, I prefer to bury myself over and over again fantasizing him sharing his life with someone else than ever getting to see such image, I prefer to be murdered every night by the jealousy going through my veins than he admitting someone else is going to refugee herself in the warmness of his arms, I prefer the lack of oxygen than ever truly accepting all the words he said to me mean nothing to him today, I prefer eternal loneliness that ever gives myself to someone else by acknowledging that man doesn't belong in my life anymore. I may be sick, but I prefer to die slowly with this sickness inside myself than ever letting go all we had. You're not allowed to follow him anymore, you're not allowed to call him, you're not allowed to contact him, you're not allowed to appear in front of him because if you do, it'll be the very end of the last piece that has been left for us of him. I said while looking at my harm hands and thought how right he was about the "self-destructive" word, I just stayed there... looking at the tiny pieces of paper of my flight on the floor, I'd have to cancel it.

Photo by Madelaine Bustamante

“Prayer: 'Oh God! May I be alive when I die.'” 

(Winnicott, C. 1989)

Poema de Alejandra Pizarnik

En esta noche, en este mundo

Picture taken by Madelaine Bustamante A Martha Isabel Moia

I en esta noche en este mundo las palabras del sueño de la infancia de la muerte nunca es eso lo que uno quiere decir la lengua natal castra la lengua es un órgano de conocimiento del fracaso de todo poema castrado por su propia lengua que es el órgano de la re-creación del re-conocimiento pero no el de la resurrección de algo a modo de negación de mi horizonte de maldoror con su perro y nada es promesa entre lo decible que equivale a mentir (todo lo que se puede decir es mentira) el resto es silencio sólo que el silencio no existe II no las palabras no hacen el amor hacen la ausencia si digo agua ¿beberé? si digo pan ¿comeré? III en esta noche en este mundo extraordinario silencio el de esta noche lo que pasa con el alma es que no se ve lo que pasa con la mente es que no se ve lo que pasa con el espíritu es que no se ve ¿de dónde viene esta conspiración de invisibilidades? ninguna palabra es visible sombras recintos viscosos donde se oculta la piedra de la locura corredores negros los he recorrido todos ¡oh quédate un poco más entre nosotros! mi persona está herida mi primera persona del singular escribo como quien con un cuchillo alzado en la oscuridad escribo como estoy diciendo la sinceridad absoluta continuaría siendo lo imposible ¡oh quédate un poco más entre nosotros! IV los deterioros de las palabras deshabitando el palacio del lenguaje el conocimiento entre las piernas ¿qué hiciste del don del sexo? oh mis muertos me los comí me atraganté no puedo más de no poder más palabras embozadas todo se desliza hacia la negra licuefacción V y el perro de maldoror en esta noche en este mundo donde todo es posible salvo el poema VI hablo en fácil hablo en difícil sabiendo que no se trata de eso siempre no se trata de eso oh ayúdame a escribir el poema más prescindible                el que no sirva ni para                ser inservible ayúdame a escribir palabras en esta noche en este mundo                                                               8 de octubre de 1971 De: Textos de sombra y últimos poemas. ALEJANDRA PIZARNIK. #UnGiornoTreAutunni #CaroRiccino

Unanswer questions

I went into the classroom smoothly, I am always trying my best to do everything as quietly as possible so that any look turn to me, and I saw him... He was playing the piano right in front of me in that small room and for a second I thought I was dreaming and such magical moment couldn't be happening for real, but it was happening and I got to know it because it lasts for a matter of seconds only, until my friend broke up and he realized about he was not alone and stopped playing.

- I am sorry, do we interrupt you? I asked begging him to keep on playing inside of me, but I guess my begs didn't reach him since he didn't continue.

- Not at all. He answered smiling and came back to his seat, leaving that piano crying alone for him to come back; but I guess he didn't listen because he didn't continue playing.

I started wondering myself if I could sit down next to him, after all, there was only one seat separating us and me moving one seat next to him wouldn't be a big deal since all my classmates probably noticed until now how hard is for me to pick a bench. But I stayed right there, I couldn't take the risk because my face is way too obvious and I was trying hard to keep it clean; still deep inside I wish he'd move that one seat removing the space between us, opening a door for us to say hi and break that silence I tend to invite people from the other sex to. I guess he didn't listen to my inner feelings because he didn't move that one seat and I remained there wishing next time he will.

It was funny to think I could even care about his presence, especially considering our classes started short time ago, I barely knew him and the only moments I could actually look at him was when he was saying something to the teacher and the classroom during the class, otherwise my eyes wouldn't meet him no matter what. 

I was wondering if the joke he did to me last class meant anything to him... I would've liked to tell him it meant something to me, even when I was talking about someone that "apparently" means everything to me. I just couldn't, the conflicts inside of me would meet with each other and remind myself that I am thinking about swimming in dangerous waters, so I just stayed there with my bunch of unanswered questions inside of me. Because I wasn't going to take any risk and when you look from afar everything is safer; and when it comes to emotions, I was that kind of girl, the safe-type one, even if in most of the life matters I was as carefree as a bird. 
I am a bird, but I guess he didn't listen to my inner soul because he thought I like the beach when I am most of a sky-girl.

Picture by Madelaine Bustamante

I am not a perfect person.

Drawing and Picture by Madelaine Bustamante

Maybe the reason why I emphasize so much the fact of me continuing working at the hospital after we stopped talking is because of how hard it was for me to keep on doing it. 

Actually, it was so hard that I stopped caring about having patients or not, even when I used to have patients all the time due to my constant advertisement about a psychologist's labour in the health center; it was so hard that my tutor reprimanded me and asked me what was going on and I was so broken that I just let her know the reason for my current mood status; it was so hard that I would obligate myself to get ready to go to work even when I would barely sleep and spend the most of my day crying at home, but I had to go remembering myself that I wouldn't get my degree if I didn't work for it; it was so hard that I'd cry on my way to the hospital and on my way back, in the public transportation, thinking about you...

You may not understand but I was suppose to heal hearts, because that's my work about, more than healing minds it is about healing hearts; but how could I heal a broken heart when my own was broken in thousands of pieces at the very moment? I can't even explain the difficulty to focus and hold in my tears when any patient would mention things that I may relate to you, it was like a real test to my professionalism! And at the same time a life-test in general.

It may result absurd, me mentioning these things just now; but I wanted to clear this point up because I, foolishly, keep on making it appear like if it was so easy for me... when in reality it was one of the most awful times of my whole life.

The dock.

- Run! She screamed as hard as she could and started running as fast as possible. After all her time training it seemed she was finally reaching a decent speed, but she needed more than a decent one in this kind of situation, but the last she could do was stop.

- Why are we running?! He asked surprised.

- If he catches us we're done! She answered while opening her eyes trying to scare him and smiling.

- Ale! The man behind them screamed.

- Who is he?! He asked curiously.

- My fiancé! She said and started laughing out loud and he stopped right away, he couldn't believe what he just heard. The man behind them got him and punched him in the face before he could even have time to react, while Alessia continued running. Mark just looked at her leaving, asking himself when did everything turn into the hell he was meeting now.

Alessia has always been a mess, they knew each other since school and he knew well what chaos Alessia was; still, he couldn't help himself from getting close to her, because no matter what others says, Alessia was worth the try for him. But she just didn't seem to agree with that, because she'd continue making trouble all the time, driving him to his ruin.

She disappeared from his sight and the supposed fiancé hit him until he bleed, letting him down on the floor during that cold night of April. There he was again, greeting death one more time cause of her, it was the third time she'd put him in a hard situation; but this was way too much, something even he couldn't take from her. Her fiancé? If he was her fiancé, who was him for her? It's true Alessia never gave him a title, she didn't even allow him things he thought he should've had access to, but he decided to believe it was just her being herself, which pretty much means making things more complicated than they truly are all the time. Then it was true, he was not who he thought he was in her life, they could hang out together and spend the whole time talking and eating and smiling, but she was not his. He should have noticed... the very first time he tried even touching her hand, the way she moved, like protecting herself, like protecting something precious that's not even yours. She wasn't even hers, since she belonged to someone else.

He was just asking himself why she never said it straight and if she was engaged how come she was always alone, how could it be she never seemed to be in touch with anyone; there were some days when she could even go out with him without her cell phone and asked him for his to make a call to her mother. Alessia was a jealous and possessive person, maybe she just wanted to take his mobile and check whether he was being stupidly faithful to her or not. She never allowed him to see her phone though, she said it was a matter of privacy, also she didn't want to hurt his little pride. Back in time he couldn't get a word and keep on thinking it was just her being playful, but now all the puzzles were falling in the right place. She was with someone else. He didn't even bother to stand up, he wanted to stay right there, feeling the pain... or maybe feeling nothing because sometimes when you feel so much pain you can't even bear it anymore and you just disconnect yourself, like if you're some sort of machine that can stop feeling; it's just a way to protect yourself from not getting completely broken.

- Mark. Alessia was suddenly in front of him with a horrified face while getting close to him and squatting. He just looked at her and he couldn't believe she was still as gorgeous as usual in his eyes when she should've become the worst human that have ever crossed his path. - I am sorry, Mark. Shawn can be a bit aggressive sometimes. He knows we're just friends but he and I haven't met in a little while and I am sure he has some suspicions about us. I told you to run, why did you stop? I didn't stop myself because he was seriously mad, lately, I've been avoiding his calls because I got mad over a comment he did and it seemed like he was going to hit me if I'd stay. I'm sorry I couldn't help. See? Shawn's a good boy, he's just a little bit angry at the moment, sometimes he doesn't control himself while being in such a state. Believe me, he has told me the worst things you could ever imagine in that state, once he almost even beat me... She seemed ashamed and Mark was feeling discomfort all over his body, so he wasn't sure if he could answer her or should just stay there on the floor in silence, like a dead man. Finally, he realized he didn't have the strength to answer indeed, so he had to pick the second option.

- Stand up, Mark. You can do it, you're a strong boy. Come on, I can't help you, I can't hold you... You know that'd be out of... She stayed in silence for a minute while apparently thinking something. - I guess in such an emergency like this, it is possible. She resolved and helped him to stand up, she didn't know whether to hold his full of blood hand to help him to stand up or get his arm so that he can support himself on her body to stand up. He reached her hand out like helping her to decide and she just moved it fast around her neck so that she can put him up. And after going through that hellish experience, he felt he has gone to heaven. It was the first time he was so close to her to the point to be able to smell her aroma, it was the first time he could feel the touch of her skin, it was the first time he could breathe so close to her... the first time ever and for a minute an evil thought crossed his mind, but before he lost his sense of reality, his body brought him back to the moment due to the acute pain he felt on his left rib. That Shawn could be an angel for Alessia, but a very strong one; he almost killed him, in fact.

- Ouch. He said lowly, while she was trying to put him out but realized that had to be more delicate.

- I am sorry. I am so sorry, Mark. Alessia repeated looking at him with anguish and regret.

- So that's your boyfriend... He said without looking at her face, too weak to face again the love in her eyes she showed when giving that bright description of such a beast of a man.

- Kind of... It's a bit complicated. I love him though and let's say he has some kind of weird feelings for me; that sometimes seems like love, but most of the time feels like he hates me... She said and he heard her voice breaking, as she was crying.

- Are you okay? He got to ask and made her laugh.

- Are you serious? You're the one falling in pieces here, still, you ask me if I'm okay. She said in a funny tone and he smiled. She was enchanting, it didn't matter how many times he'd say to her and she refused it, he'd always think she was delightful.

- Good, at least you can still smile. He said trying to cheer her up. What's wrong between you both? He asked while getting the strength to stand up with her help, even through the agonizing pain.

- Everything. She said and looked at him smiling. - But that's alright. I can handle it. I can bear with it. She said with a broken voice he wasn't sure about the kind of relationship she had with that Shawn, but he was surely not her fiancé. Before he could even react or say anything she had already stopped a taxi and helped him to get in. She told the taxi driver to take him to the nearest hospital and paid him.

- Aren't you coming? Mark asked her, surprised to see she was closing the door without getting in.

- Are you kidding me? I don't want Shawn to get the wrong ideas about us. It's enough with me getting the worst ideas when I see him even talking to other girls. Also, Mark, I believe we should stop meeting. If I have to be honest I am broken inside, I have gotten some terrible news about Shawn and I can't live anymore, not like this... I need some time all alone, I need to cry and let all the sorrow and anger go before they eat me alive. She said with a poker face and he only thought how beautiful she looked even like that, he'd do anything to hold her in his arms and comfort her, but she'd never allow such a thing... unless he was Shawn and he was not.

- Don't stay out until late. It was all he said.

- Get going, sir. She said to the taxi driver and smiled. - Goodbye, Markie. She told him and put her tongue out to see one more time a simple smile on his harmed friend's face.

She surely knew he was in love with her, but she has always been very clear on tracing the limits between both; still, she understood Mark could be a bit distracted by the obvious signals of her being completely taken. In any case, he was free now and she wished she could free herself, in the same way, she just set her friend free; because loving Shawn was like an eternal narrow stuck on her chest and she sincerely didn't know how to let him go, and cause of it she was causing him annoyance and a deep wound to herself. But after the news she got that day, she just felt everything freezing inside herself and wished to die; she got one more time the worst ideas ever, as she didn't in a long time. She never thought Shawn could be that cruel to her... She took so much from him, his bad attitude, his mistreatment, his bad words, his threats, everything, but that was way too much and she'd prefer to die hundred times than ever face such a frightening truth, where she'd have to accept a life without him. She saved her cold hands in her black leather jacket and started walking all alone on those dark streets while asking herself if she should go directly to the dock or remain a good girl and come back home... She started singing for herself:

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time.
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, it's only you and me ♪♫

She was just way too tired and the dock was closer than her house, so she started walking calmly in that direction; asking herself whether a frozen and wet body would appear prettily or not on the news and wondering whether Shawn would even look at the newspaper that day. She decided not to care, nor to think anymore; there was nothing left for her there, so she should just go and let everything finish... she couldn't stop her feelings without getting rid of herself. She was going to give Shawn the biggest and sweetest proof of love, she was choosing his life over hers; and she hope he'll enjoy it and use it wisely, because at the end of the day, more than anyone in the whole world she believed, even then, that Shwan was the one deserving the most to be happy in this life. She laughed while cleaning the tears from her face, thinking how much she must love him to think about that even during her last moments of life. Still, he was all she could think about... he was all.

All Mine.

She entered in his flat like a gust as soon as he opened the door, without even asking for permission or getting time to consider his reaction about what she was doing. She was always taking the risk of infuriate him but she was way too frustrated today to think about anything.

- I haven't told you you can come in... He was saying and couldn't finish his phrase because she started screaming.

- Two whole months! I've disappeared from your life for two months! I haven't gotten a call! nor a text! nor anything! I've been patiently waiting for the moment you'll reach me out but you have not! I could have died in those two months! I even tried disappearing from everywhere lately just to see if you'd reach me! I don't even know what I was thinking in? I am sure you never ask anyone for me! I can't believe this! I seriously can't understand you! I frankly can't understand myself! How can I continue after you even when you keep on ignoring me and pushing me away? This is insanity! I should lock myself in a mental institute! She said all that and then breathed.

- I never said I'd text you nor anything. He said calmly.

- Right, you never say anything to me, I build up stories on my own, I know that well. She said now crying.

- This can't continue happening... you showing up whenever you want... He was saying but she interrupted him.

- Whenever I want? Whenever I want! If I'd appear up in your life whenever I want I'll be here every single day! It takes all my self control not to! I don't show up "whenever I want", I appear when my heart is about to die in sadness cause only you can feed him even with a single word! Because for me, life is not life without you in it! Because I am incredibly crazy for you and that has never changed not even after all this time! She said angry again.

- I need you to stop. He said serious and she started crying again while covering her face with her hands.

- I don't want to let you go... She whispered.

- What? He asked while looking at her. - I am sorry I couldn't listen to you. But now I will go, I can't allow this one more minute, I seriously need this madness to finish because I want a normal life like everybody... well, like almost everybody. He said bound and determined and she sighed.

He stood up and got his jacket so that he could leave the apartment, meanwhile she was deciding what to do, whether she'll kick him or... she stood up, jumped onto him and kissed him. 

- You are mine, all mine. She thought while holding him tight, and promising herself she'd never let him go as long as her heart beats, because her heart forgets how to beat each second without him.

Some kind of love letter for you

Dear you,

    This is a love letter. I told you in advance because I'm a bit excited, I've forgotten the last time I wrote you a real love letter; during all this time apart I've written anything but a love letter... it's not like a love letter would fix anything, but I'll like to write something sweet. Don't worry, I won't send it to you, so that you won't get disturbed; this is between your imaginary presence and me, about us.

    It's a bit depressing knowing I am writting a letter I'll never send because the addressee is done with me and doesn't want to get a word from me, but somehow it's even sadder not allowing me to express myself when it's all I can do freely. This probably wouldn't make sense to you, since it doesn't really aim to anything, but talking about purposes... it lets me be, it helps me to handle your absence. I've tried it before and it doesn't really help that much, but it's better than nothing.

    Sometimes I'd like to go back in time and understand you a bit more, you surely believe I don't understand anything about you, not even now; but believe me if I say that the cultural differences make a lot and I am not sure about you being able to find all of them in a simple book as the one I sent you. Anyways, after all this time apart, where I've dedicated so much of time to the study of your nation, culture, costumes, language and so, I can see many times it was just us not being able to communicate properly cause some things that were normal here, aren't normal at all there & viceversa; and I am not talking about my personal particularities nor yours, but general ones due to the places were we raised in. But we can't go back in time, chances don't pass twice in life, no matter how much you beg and pledge for them to come back.
    I wonder if you're forgetting me, maybe I am way too egoistic wishing for you to remember all those things about me that can only hurt you now; I say it because those same things only hurt me now in any case. It's such a pity I never got the opportunity to see directly to your eyes, more than sad eyes, they are your eyes and for that single fact I'd love to see them... I never saw you smiling, nor I listened you laughing, isn't it such a waste? I'd pay to see and hear that, at least once in my life... You aren't dead still that's an impossible wish, how unlucky!
    Last time we talked you said you remember clearly the mood of all our last conversations and I remember that too; but, don't you remember our good times? We had so many... even if not in the last months, we had so many good times... it's just very painful to recall them because they seem so far away, almost unreachable but they're right there... maybe I have better memories since you were so sweet... I know you said I'm sweet too, but I don't see my sweetness reaching your level, you were just so sweet to me. So how in the world can I possibly forget you? How...?
    I remember the day you told your mom about me, even if it ended up badly, I was so excited about you telling YOUR MOM that day, telling her about me! Everything felt so real... I remember the first and last time we went on call, it was a bad experience for you since I couldn't get to control myself, but putting aside the fact of you kind of scolding me, I was so happy to finally be able to listen your voice and how I made you say that "purrr", that was one of the sweetest things in the whole universe! I remember you waving your hands "goodbye" to me because I asked you to, how can't that be considered one of the cutest things an human being can do? Even if I didn't see you doing it, I trust your word completely and if you say you did it, then you did, my love. I remember you staying awake until late for me... you may think I didn't value it because at the end I said you did nothing for me, but I was just hurt and those words don't really count, I truly valued those effort of yours, especially when you use to try to go to sleep but I asked you to stay longer and longer and longer and you stayed! Until your eyes couldn't bear it anymore and used to close themselves cause you were just so sleepy. Then? Can you admit you're a sweetheart? Because you are. I remember you making fun of me... in so many ways, and I miss that; and even if you making fun of my jealousy isn't something I exactly "miss", it is something I can appreciate by now, I hope you may understand me if I just couldn't take, can't take and will never be able to take jokes about you with other women, that's just not allowed unless you want to disturb me. I remember those videos you made for me showing me the places around you... I remember so much...
    You wouldn't believe me if I tell you you get me over and over again, in so many ways; I could fall in love with you every brand new day, I actually do... it's a shame me not being able to cause that on you... not to be able to make you like me every new day... Even in your absence, I fall for you every single day, even the days I deny it! It's funny because the days I deny it, I just say that “I hate you”, but by saying that it's pretty obvious I still love you... I couldn't hate someone I don't love in first place. I wonder when will come a time where the memories wouldn't be enough... because that day seems so far and even if some days you hurt less, there are moments like now, where you still hurt so much, but so much... that I feel like getting crazy.
     Do you know? I want to learn maths now, would you still like to teach me? I always find an excuse to text you, even if the excuses have always a solid base, still excuses to text you somehow; but obviously they don't fool you at all and I have reached a point, where I can't continue pretending I don't get your message about you wanting me to disappear from your life, but... I just, already, feel myself so out of your life... I can't believe it'll come a time when you'll forget about me... I've read and heard and watched that you never forget your first love, also that the things with your first love never really work out, but if so many people have gotten it, why couldn't I be among the ones that got it? Why couldn't I stay with you forever? Why my love wasn't enough to keep us on going? I miss us so much... but I understand that you don't...
    I'm sorry I couldn't be your strength back in time... I'm sorry it took me so long to get myself together and regained the strength necessary to fight for us both... I don't know if I am asking forgiveness to you or myself right now... all I know is that I feel sorry for it because somehow it broke us... But... did you know? I loved you... yes, in past tense; I love you, in present tense; and I will love you... even if you may not believe it, in future tense... I didn't make a mistake by loving you, my mistake was loving you wrongly, you deserved a better kind of love and back then I couldn't offer it to you while being in such state... And now I can't give it to you because you wouldn't allow me but still I offer it to you as always, handed on a gold plate, I offer it to you with open arms, I offer it to you sincerely... I offer it to you because there is no one but you that I could offer it to, because there is no one but you I'd want to give it to. I love you, so much... so much...

Picture and drawing by Madelaine Bustamante